I have a friend who is currently 16. Her home environment is driving her to cut herself, contemplate/attempt (about a month ago) suicide, and causing her extreme emotional distress. At the heart of it all is her Stepfather. The little I have heard from him while skyping with her only reinforced what I have heard from her: that, if he’s not an abusive asshole, they “don’t click” in the same way Hitler didn’t click with the Jews. They are currently in family counseling, but it doesn’t seem to be helping, as her mother has decided, despite the very real problems, to stay with the stepfather.
At this point, assuming she’s not getting beaten/molested, what are her options? She’s really struggling, and I want to help her… So how can I help her with her situation? Is there any information that might be useful? Can she put herself up for adoption.
I have a friend who is currently 16. Her home environment is driving her to cut herself, contemplate/attempt (about a month ago) suicide, and causing her extreme emotional distress. At the heart of it all is her Stepfather. The little I have heard from him while skyping with her only reinforced what I have heard from her: that, if he’s not an abusive asshole, they “don’t click” in the same way Hitler didn’t click with the Jews. They are currently in family counseling, but it doesn’t seem to be helping, as her mother has decided, despite the very real problems, to stay with the stepfather.
At this point, assuming she’s not getting beaten/molested, what are her options? She’s really struggling, and I want to help her… So how can I help her with her situation? Is there any information that might be useful? Can she put herself up for adoption.
There is such a thing as minor emancipation; you’d need to talk to a local attorney as laws vary by state.
However, that would mean moving out and supporting herself, so it’s not something to take lightly.
Is she going to counseling on her own, or just with the family?
My suggestion would be going to individual counseling also, either with that same therapist or with a different one. That would give her someone to talk to, someone concentrating specifically on her issues, who could help her figure out better ways to deal with both her step-father and her own problems.
She can’t put herself up for adoption, but she might be able to get herself into the foster care system, which might be worse. I was considering this when I was about that age. I wasn’t necessarily in a physically abusive environment 24/7, but emotionally abusive? Hells yeah.
Then I had a conversation with a girl in my class who was in the foster care/children’s home situation. She’d been abused by her stepdad or something, reported to some authority and found herself taking beat downs from the other girls in the children’s home. Foster homes are a crapshoot. She might get a good one or she might endure far worse abuse.
She might also be able to legally emancipate herself, but that will require money for a lawyer and demonstration – evidence – that she is able to support herself on her own. Like, she has a job and can pay her rent and get herself back and forth to school and work.
She might also be able to get an appointment with one of the school’s guidance counselors who might be able to refer her to some kind of therapist critter. The therapist critter might be able to teach her coping tools to get along with stepdad until she’s 18 and can get herself out of that environment.
If I had a nickel for every batshit crazyballs teenager on Skype (red flag number one — how come nobody who knows this girl in person is intervening, including her therapist?!?) who delighted in the attention received by concocting purple tales of cutting and overdoses and non-specific Hitlerian horrors being visited upon them … I’d have at least, like, $30.
I’m sorry if your intentions are noble here, but I have to ask…
How old are you? How do you know this girl? Why are you skyping with a 16 year old? Are you also 16? When you say, “Can she put herself up for adoption?” do you have some idea that you could adopt her? What are your intentions here?
This whole thing sounds beyond fishy to me. I don’t know if her home is abusive; certainly many teenagers feel that their parents are “emotionally” abusive*, even more so for step-parents. Can you name some of the things he has actually done? And let us know why you are involving yourself in the intimate details of a 16 year old girl’s life?
*I know that parents truly can be emotionally abusive, but I also know many teenagers regard normal, responsible parenting as abuse.
I’m 17, almost 18, and we’re “dating”, so to speak. I don’t even live on the same continent as her right now (yes, I know how stupid this makes the last sentence sound). I’m not a predator, if that’s what you’re implying. And yes, I know she could very well be fucking with me/not really having as hard of a time as she claims. But you know what? In the case that she is, this is good advice. Either way, I’m not going to personally take action; I’m merely trying to find information to help her. I care about her, and if she’s going through a rough time, I want to help in any way I can.
I mean, you say that, but I’m not sure you really know how stupid all that sounds. I can’t begin to fathom why you think, however tenuously, you are “dating” this woman. Don’t they have real live women on your own continent, in your own town, at your own school?
This whole thing sounds like a colossal waste of time (but for the fact that I know the real motivation). Instead of Skyping, why not meet some girls who are actual, viable dating options? Easier said than done, I’m sure. But sometimes you’ve just got to put on your big boy pants, turn off the Internet, and go out into the real world.
When I was a teenager, I knew girls who actually were in abusive homes and decided cutting was a good idea and I’ve known fakers. You can easily tell who’s a faker as they usually slip up by never actually cutting themselves.
I’m sorry I implied you were a predator. Most people on this board are older, and I made a bad assumption. I truly do apologize.
If her regular therapist isn’t helping, and she doesn’t want to deal with foster care, she could try talking to her school counselor. As long as the abuse isn’t physical/sexual, I don’t think it has to be reported, and the counselor is probably the best place for finding any other local resources.
Budget Player Cadet, I wish I had some advice for you. I’m sorry you had to deal with Kimmy_Gibbler’s posts in this thread. There are people here on this board who really want to help, I promise.
When I was in High School, I knew of at least one kid who had problems with their parents and arranged to live with adults who were friends of the family for a few months while the problems were resolved. This obviously required everyone’s consent, but it did not involve adoption, foster care, lawyers, etc. As I heard through the grape vine, this was successful partly because it showed the kid that the parents weren’t so bad after all.
The problem I (and others) see is that there’s no identification of real abuse, even from the person who says they are claiming abuse. Even emotional abuse has real signs that could be expressed. Comparisons to Hitler and saying that things “don’t click” makes me agree that we’re likely dealing with a teen who is not actually being abused and is simply unhappy. I’d recommend speaking with whatever counselors are available and perhaps looking for a diagnosis and treatment of depression/anxiety disorders/whatever.
My general advice is for her get out however she can, though of course many things can happen to a 16-year-old trying to make her own way in the world that might be just as bad as trying to live with her step-dad.
Personally, the worst thing that ever happened to me was being a teenager trapped in a miserable home with an abusive parent and a dysfunctional family. I wish I would have had the courage to get out sooner, any way I could (I didn’t move out until 18, when I had saved up enough money to get my own apartment and found someone to co-sign for me…). In hindsight I wish I had dropped out of school sooner and run away from home. I didn’t realize life wasn’t a terrible thing, until I was free from my mom.
My middle sister ran away from home at 16; which is illegal in their state of Virginia. Ultimately what happened is that my mom ‘pressed charges’, and a warrant was put out for her arrest. When she was caught (at 17), she had the choice of going back to my mom’s house, or staying in a low-security (since she had committed no crime except refusing to live at home) juvenile detention center until she was 18. She chose the latter, and said it wasn’t so bad. She got a therapist, meds that helped with her depression and anxiety, and she finished two year’s worth of high school in 8 months - graduated early. Anyway if the state your GF is in has similar laws, it might be as easy as leaving home and refusing to return (so long as she doesn’t mind being in juvie…)
Foster care might be an option, and she should contact her local CPS for information.
My youngest sister also left home like a shot the month she turned 18. Maybe it just runs in our family to be ‘handfuls’, but IMO my mom is really hard to live with, and we’ve all proved ourselves capable of taking care of ourselves as teenagers.
You’ve been pretty unclear on the whole abuse thing. You seemed to say that she wasn’t being abused, but that she and the stepdad can’t stand each other. Then you say that she is abused (I think), but you have no examples of what type of abuse it could be. As far as we know, the two of them just don’t like each other.
