I think you should part ways and let her hook up with someone like Roadfood (eerily appropriate handle?), who apparently has no problem embarking on a lifelong partnership of gustatory adventure consisting of chicken tacos and nut-free peanut butter.
And for the record, I love bull testicles and I’m devouring a big, heaping bowl of them right now. With ketchup.
There are a bunch of factors going on for me here, too. Namely,
-I used to be a pretty picky eater (didn’t like vegetables) and I feel sympathetic because I’ve been in her shoes.
-I get accused of being a control freak a lot, which makes me defensive. Sometimes I feel like it is easier for her to label me the ‘bad guy’ in this situation when in fact I’m just trying to get her to enjoy food more.
-Breaking up over this seems rather stupid, in my opinion.
This isn’t picky, this is obnoxious and rude. Now, I would have passed on the ribs myself because I’m a fake vegetarian, but I would have eaten everything else, made the appropriate sounds, and then if I was starving after only eating corn and salad I would have stopped at Subway on the way home. Demanding a hot pocket is a total asshole move. If she does stuff like that often, then Incubus you’re dating a total asshole.
Remember that the point of dating is to find a lifelong partner (or at least that’s the point for me…). If you think you can deal with the pickiness your whole life, then by all means. But it’s been 8 months and it’s already annoying you to the point of asking for anonymous advice on a message board.
Cut your losses and move on, buddy. She seems like a jerk.
You don’t sound like a control freak. You sound like you’re dating a passive-aggressive, self-absorbed child. There’s a point where these kind of food issues go beyond simply being someone else’s “tastes,” and become subtly hostile, insensitive and self-centered.
But the thing to do in that situation is either to decline a dinner invitation (and suggest some other activity- maybe a movie, or dinner at a restaurant where she can get something she likes), or to take a little of the food, taste it, push it around on your plate if you don’t like it, and then make something you like for yourself when you get home (or stop at Subway, like alice suggested).
You need to meet her halfway, though- taking one bite of something you’ve cooked that she doesn’t think she’ll like is more than a lot of picky eaters would do, after all. She’s never going to eat and like everything you cook for her- accept it, and realize that it has nothing to do with the quality of your cooking or her feelings for you.
Since you don’t live with her, you have more options. You can embark on whatever gastronomic adventures you want on your own. Just don’t make any of your dates food-oriented. Or agree that your food choices will be your own and don’t judge each other.
On the other hand, if you consider food to be an important part of a relaltionship, then you’re down a blind alley.
It all boils down to your priorities.
Not liking vegetables seems a long, long way from what you are describing her habits to be. Lots of people don’t care for vegetables very much, but still manage to enjoy lots of different types of cuisines, and are able to get by in a regular restaurant or over at someone’s house without rejecting every possible option for food.
I’m not sure from what you have described how your “control” issues come into play here. Because you are cooking a nice meal, and get hurt that she won’t even try it? That she goes to your mom’s house and basically insults your mom’s boyfriend, who is taking the trouble to cook a nice meal for you guys? I don’t know, as I said before…doesn’t sound like you are the control freak.
I am the mom of a toddler who is starting to get picky, and many child development experts say that the food pickiness that young kids develop is all about control…part of the kid learning to be independent of the parent. I have always thought that extremely picky adults never quite got out of this stage.
I don’t know about that…food is really, really important. It’s a huge part of people’s lives, cultures, and sharing in relationships. My husband and I know 2 couples who are “mixed marriages” in their diets…one partner vegetarian, one not…and even that seems really, really difficult for them sometimes.
Agreed. Incubus, I have to know how it ended-- did she get the Hot Pocket, along with the host’s heartfelt assurance that she would never be invited to dinner again? Or did he just ask her to leave then and there?
As Anne Neville & alice mention, it is one thing to tell you she doesn’t want to eat what you have cooked, but to accept a dinner invitation (at her boyfriend’s mother’s house, no less!!!) and then ask for a hot pocket is not the way an adult should behave. A polite person tries what is on their plate, eats as much of it as they possibly can, and insists that the food is delicious, but that they just aren’t really hungry. Of course, if there is one item you don’t eat, such as meat, or are maybe allergic to, it’s fine to turn down that one thing. But to not eat anything, and then ask for something else? Yeesh! If I’m bringing my 2-year-old to someone’s house, I often bring her a PB&J, since not all “adult” food is going to fly with her, but she is 2!!!
That was rude, I agree with that. Even as a little kid we learned that when you are eating at someone elses house you eat what your served or fake it as best you could. I still have nightmares about staying over a girlfriends house in the 4th or 5th grade and eating creamed chipped beef on toast for breakfast.
That was just thoughtless and rude the way she acted at your Mom’s house.
If it’s not important enough to you to break up over, than it isn’t important enough to break up over. If you can live with it, then live with it. No one here can balance up your girlfriend’s good qualities and bad habits and decide which side wins. No one here can tell if this is something that just bugs you a little, in a low key way, or drives you bat-shit insane. That’s your call.
But IMO it isn’t your role to “get her to enjoy food more.” She’s gonna eat what she wants to eat. She’s a grownup. To the extent you are trying to pull her or shove her into doing something she pretty clearly doesn’t want to do, you are being controlling (or trying to be) and IME that is both frustrating and exhausting, with no positive outcome.
That being said, if I cooked a dinner for someone – attempting to make something they would like and purposely avoiding things I knew they didn’t like – and they took one bite and said “I don’t like it, can I have something else?”, it would be the last fucking meal they ever ate at my house. And when her behavior is so completely self-centered that she embarrasses you – your word, and the right word, I would have been embarrassed too – by declining someone’s carefully prepared home-cooked meal and requesting frozen crap instead, I think there are issues greater than “oh, she’s a picky eater.” That is incredibly rude – I mean screamingly rude – but apparently she’d rather be breathtakingly rude to your friends and embarrass you than actually choke down a few bites of food she may not like.
For me, the issue would not be “she only eats three of four things.” The issue is being so food-pathological that you cannot allow your boyfriend to cook for you, cannot eat out at a restaurant without picking your food apart, cannot accept a dinner invitation without being really quite stunningy rude to both your hosts and your boyfriend. At that point, the issue isn’t food, it’s behavior.
But whether you can live with the behavior, only you can say.
Eons ago, when dinosaurs ruled the earth, I asked a girl I liked if she wanted to come over for a special home-cooked meal. The point was to a) spend time with her, b) wow her with my fantabulous culinary skills, and c) possibly get me some. Her response? “What are we having?” I’ve never really gotten over the slight rudeness of that. In her defense, though, she smiled all the way through the truly hideous dish that Ms. Crocker recommended.
He was amazingly polite about it. He insisted that what he was making was much better than a hot pocket, and refused to make her one. I talked her into at least trying the food. She had a few bites of ribs, wouldn’t touch the salad and basically ate corn and bread for dinner.
Lately when ever we argue about it she points out that she’s tried more new things than she ever had. In some respects, this is true- we shared calamari at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, and I was surprised she was willing to try it.
The things I am able to get her to try seem like a much bigger accomplishment to her than they do to me. Eating a bowl of salad was a HUGE deal for her, because apparently before me nobody had been able to talk her into trying it.
I cosign Sarahfeena’s post. Social activities generally revolve around food. Food is how families celebrate. It’s an expression of love and represents how you were raised culturally. So it is very important. I would think diet is one of those things where compatibility is a huge issue.
Not only is your girlfriend picky, but she’s self-centered about it. The pickiness might subside as she grows older (just as you’ve relaxed in your standards), but rudeness isn’t a habit. It’s a personality flaw. I’m betting this manifests itself in other areas, but you’ve overlooked them.
If you are really in love, you should be able to talk about this with her. Have a real initimate discussion, focusing on the rude, childish behaviors. If she gets defensive and doesn’t at least try to change, then you know she’s not the one for you. But if she tries, then maybe she’s not so bad after all.
I think people CAN change if they genuinely see the error of their ways AND they have a loving person to coach them. I don’t think you’re trying to control her. I think you’re just trying to synch up with her. That’s not a bad thing at all.
Aww…I’m sure she didn’t mean to hurt your feelings! Although I must say that if I knew a guy was trying to impress me, and I was interested in impressing him back, I don’t think that would be the first thing I said! She must not have been thinking.
Maybe, maybe not. It could be that she just doesn’t “get it” that people take pride in their meals. To her, eating might just be a biological function that people must endure, and she doesn’t grok that other derive pleasure from it. That could explain her behavior as well.
This is entirely a different matter. This sort of behaviour has nothing to do with being picky and crosses the line into childish selfishness and downright rudeness. I would not break up with someone who was picky about food, but I would break up with someone who was this rude.
Well, in her defense, she might have been deathly allergic to shellfish or peanuts or something. Of course, a better response in that case would have been,
“Ooh, that sounds great! But I can’t eat [blah blah blah], though, I hope that’s ok.”
Agree with consensus. Dump her.