One of my coworkers wants to arrange an event at her house. She is asking me to arrange schedules and see if everyone is available, and do the inviting!
I want to get out of the middle. I have already asked around for the first two dates she offered and there has been no consensus. I want this off my plate - I should not be in the position of arranging a date for a party at her house. I would like to say to her:
“Neither the ___ nor the ____ work for everyone in the office, I’m afraid. I think you need to pick a new date. Perhaps it would be better if the invite came from you directly?”
Is that rude? If so, can you help me think of a nicer way to put it?
No, it’s not. It was planned to be a “fun”’ event, and originally it was planned to be held at the office, but somehow or other she decided it was going to be at her house. I say decided because I certainly wasn’t part of the conversation.
I am considering being firm and saying, “I really don’t feel comfortable getting in the middle of this. I think it would be better if you were to do the inviting, yourself, as it is your home people are being invited to.”
If she’s uncomfortable with personal confrontation, or talking to people, e-vites are always good. If it’s a work related function, sending out e-mails is okay, IMHO. For the work holiday party, we sent e-mails with four dates and the most popular date was chosen.
If it’s a personal party, why are you helping to plan it? You can say just what you did above. Maybe add something like “People like that personal touch.”
Ok. I won’t add the “feeling uncomfortable to be in the middle of this” unless she presses, and then if I have to, I’ll tell her in person - I’d rather not have that conversation be over e-mail!
I’m not really sure how I got dragooned into this, by the way. I was on vacation! Came back to this.
The ‘perhaps’ is certainly tactful, but it may not be direct enough for some people. It would be easy for her to respond to that in a way that keeps this on your plate. I would prepare for this and be ready to be more direct if she does not take the hint.
She is scheduled to be in the office tomorrow. (She works at another, nearby, office most days). If she doesn’t respond to this e-mail with a “Ok, I’ll send it out then” response, I’m going to draw her aside tomorrow and flat-out tell her I am not comfortable doing this.
I’m not afraid of confrontation (well - no more than the average person), but I’m one of those people that is always civil and nice*, so when I stand up for myself people invariably think I’m “grumpy” or “in a bad mood” or that they must have really bothered me, when really, I just refuse to be trod upon.
*My boss actually told me in my review I could stand to be a little less nice. I told her that wasn’t my style.
Back when I did tech support for a living, my quoted rate for co-workers who wanted me to fix something on their home computer was $200/hr., 2 hr. minimum, plus travel time.
If you want to, make it seem like several people you’ve spoken to would rather just talk to her directly or have questions about details only she knows (e.g. parking), so having her do it would be easier.
I HATE it when people say “I don’t want to be in the middle of this.” I think someone’s only said it to me once, but I was like “What the hell are you talking about? I didn’t ask you to be in the middle of anything, jackass. You’re just trying to weasel out of taking any responsibility for the situation by accusing me of putting the screws to you. Pathetic wish-washy jerk.” Okay, I didn’t say that, but I sure was thinking it.
You’re not “in the middle” of anything. You got hijacked into doing something that there’s no reason you should be doing, and you don’t want to do it. Just say no. Politely. Your own suggestion was good. If she persists, then be more and more direct until you get to just plain “no.”
Is this an event where all of the attendees are contributing to making it happen in some way? For example, your one coworker is hosting, you picking the date, someone else making decorations, and someone else bringing snacks?
Because if your friend is just having a party and wants you to handle some of the work, that would just be odd. But if it’s more like a club meeting or something, why not handle the scheduling if others are also doing something to contribute? If you hate scheduling with the flames of 1000 suns, see if you can switch tasks with someone else.
I’m not sure if you’re calling me a jackass, wishy-washy, or if you’re agreeing with me! There is a whole lot more to this situation that I *would * be in the middle of, and that is where I don’t want to be. I left that out because it’s not relevant and too identifying.
Anyway, I e-mailed her basically what I put in my OP. Let’s see where it goes.
No, no! I didn’t mean to call you anything at all. What I meant was that that was my immediate reaction when I was pissed off at the person anyway, and then they sprung the “in the middle” thing on me. Sorry about that.
I know you can be genuinely in the middle sometimes. I was commenting more on its use as an excuse to be weaselly, and how that terminology can evoke a strong negative reaction even when used for non-weaselly purposes.
It would work much better for her to do it herself, because if the original dates don’t work, she can come up with other dates that would work for her. You can’t do that.
From the response, it seems like people might not really want to go to a party at her house. I wonder why.
