My boss thinks she's invited to my wedding... help!

My bosskeeps hinting that I need to invite her to my wedding. She “jokes” that she’s going to crash if she doesn’t get an invite… but we all know she doesn’t joke. If she “jokes” that you’re getting audited tomorrow, you’re getting audited tomorrow. I’m not inviting any of my coworkers; it’s friends and family and I haven’t become friends with any of them. Plus, at $20 a head, to invite the entire office and their spouses would be over $500. When people at the office have asked about the wedding, I let them know nicely that, though we wish we could invite everyone both of us work with, it’s just not financially feasible. My coworkers understand that and are fine with it. My boss, however, thinks that because she’s my boss, I need to invite her. She even said, “just invite me to the dance. I don’t need dinner, I like free beer!”

Some people have said that she probably thinks she’s invited because I talk about the wedding at work. I’m under the “don’t talk unless specifically asked” rule. I know I’m not going to invite them. I’m not going around spilling my guts about my cake just 'cause I’m excited. I mean, if someone asks me, “Are you getting excited about the wedding?” or “How are the plans going?” I provide a short but polite answer, like “I’m really excited. It’ll be beautiful.” or “The plans are going pretty well. Still have a lot to do though.” and I leave it at that.

There are times I’ve had to let my boss know about wedding related appointments for scheduling reasons. One time she changed the schedule last minute and I had an appointment with my seamstress to get the dress altered and I had to tell her about it. I had to take the time off for the wedding/honeymoon. I have a hair appointment three weeks before the wedding to get it cut and colored that I had to let her know about for scheduling purposes. Usually I try the “I have an appointment on such and such day at such and such time and need to be done by such and such time.” Then she presses to know what it’s for and all that.

Whenever I see her, I get anxious. She’s been so terrible to me that there is no way on Og’s green earth that I want to see her on the happiest day of my life. With her, it’s not the cost issue, it’s the she’s a meanie reason. I sooo want to say to her “My wedding is for friends and family only; by what stretch of the imagination are you and I friends?” But she is known for retaliating and bullying (see above link), so I’m not sure how to “let her down easy.”

Any advice? Any ideas? How can I gently tell her I don’t want her there?

I don’t see what’s wrong with just repeating this sweetly every time she brings it up.

Ick! I wish there was a nice way to say “It’s not free, you moron, I’m paying for it !!”.

Yeah, she seems to think that she can come to the dance part. She more or less understands I can’t afford to feed her and her husband for dinner. But she’s convinced that she can come to the dance and drink beer. I don’t want to even think about her, muchless see her. I can’t stand her.

I can’t use the cost excuse because it doesn’t cost me more money to have her come to the dance part (unlimited beer is included in the hall package–gotta love Wisconsin!).

What excuse can I use?

Don’t tell her where it is. How can she come when she doesn’t know where it is?

Thank her for being so understanding about the wedding and all your appointments and that you hate that you just can’t invite people from work. Tell her that you appreciate her support as you’ve been so afraid of hurting people’s feelings - and that you hope she will help you squash any hurt feelings your co-workers may have about not being invited.

Act like she understands she’s not invited - even though she doesn’t. Give her a chance to save face like she’s just teasing you - and make her your partner in keeping things low-key at work.

Sometimes idiots just need to feel like they are part of the process rather than left out.

Perhaps the venue is small and has a strict maximum number of people, and friends and family take priority?

I was assembling and addressing invites on my lunch hour. She is notorious for ruining lunch hours by coming into the break room to “chat” and she saw the invites. She knows where it is. She knows the date, time, place…

She knows everything except my burning contempt for her.

You *are *in a pickle. I’m sorry about that, but please don’t let it consume your big day. Don’t invite her and if she crashes, she crashes. Just ignore her and please don’t let her take away your joy on that day.

When she says stuff about getting invited could you say “I know! I sure wish I could!” and make some hemming and hawing about already cutting some of the grooms family and dear old aunt Ethel too? I know you don’t like her and sure, it would be great to say “No. Because I hate you.” but reading that other thread I am sure she would make you miserable over it.

But here’s a thought - and I didn’t finish the other thread yet so if it’s already been answered ignore me: you could just say “no, I’m sorry but you make me miserable at work and I don’t want to invite you. And now I have to worry about you retaliating for what you think is a transgression.” And she *will *retaliate. So be prepared, document it and get transferred? It’s kind of an assy thing to do, but it would kill two birds with one stone…

Hmm… I like the way you think… I’ll have to mull this one over.

I’m thinking I would greatly enjoy throwing her out of my wedding reception. Part of me almost wants her to crash so I can have the security guard escort her out. Shove her on the pavement…

Is there anyone else in your workplace that she would be more likely to listen to? So perhaps if you got that person to have a quiet word with her, she might get the message?

Failing that, the next time you’re talking about the wedding and she’s in earshot, you could go with ‘Oh my god, I’ve been reading all these online horror stories about people’s weddings, like people thinking they can just turn up to the dance without an invite, can you imagine the rudeness of those people? Thank goodness we don’t know anyone like that!’

Just a thought - but y’know, usually at my church anyone can come to the wedding - but the reception is invite only.

Hey, what if the number of people invited is already the maximum occupancy per the fire code? (for the rented hall)

That’s the way it was with mine. Church only sat 120, but I noticed a friend of mine I didn’t specifically invite there - not because I don’t like her or anything (and was actually happy to see her) but with 120 you pick people carefully. Would this be the case here, Serenata67? No invite, no food, no free beer - doing so otherwise takes food away from an invited guest.

For the reception, we paid for food for 125 people, so if someone crashed, theyr’e either taking food away from someone or they’d be out of luck.

Good suggestions.

Actually the second part made me laugh in to my coffee cup, getting cream on my glasses . . .

I am in a similar situation. We have a pseudo family friend (she has occasionally dated my cousin over the last 4 years and invites herself to holiday get togethers) who is a major drunk and uses a lot of recreational drugs who has invited herself to my wedding. I don’t want her there at all, but after she found out about my wedding date she took the weekend off of work and bought a plane ticket without waiting for an invitation to arrive. Because I don’t hate her and don’t want her to have wasted $400 on airfare I will be adding her to the invite list, but I absolutely would not be too sad if she gets lost in a casino and never makes it to the wedding.

I will be asking my maid of honor to keep an eye on her and I will be very clear with the waitstaff that she is to be monitored and cut off if her behavior starts getting out of control. You may be able to do something similar and have someone keep an eye on her to keep her from ruining things if she does show up.

In today’s economy it simply isn’t worthwhile to upset her.

Some people are obnoxious bullies and she is one. You can fight her and run the risk of her making your life miserable at work.

For a few bucks why do this? If your other co-workers understand not inviting them to the wedding, they’d understand why you HAVE to ask her.

If she’s that obnoxious then it’s highly unlikely she’s that way with just you, so the others will understand.

There’s no point in making the rest of your days at work miserable, and in today’s economy there’s no point in taking the slightest risk to lose your job.

You’re right of course, but is being right will not pay your rent and food bill? Is being right gonna get you a glowing reference when she makes your life at works so miserable at work for not inviting her, you quit?

No it won’t.

There’s a time to be right and a time to suck it up and do what’s required.

You have to learn not only when to pick your battles, but at what time, and how you choose to fight them

I recommend saying, apologetically, that the wedding is for immediate family only and repeating this as necessary. Ideally, you’d have started by saying this the first time she mentioned it. Do not mention that any friends are coming. If you bring in wedding photos, make sure that they only show immediate relatives.

Presumably this rules out lying about the wedding venue.

I think I’ll reiterate one more time, firmly but politely, that we will not be inviting any of our coworkers to anything. If she decides to crash, I will have the on-duty security guard escort her out. She will not have a place card; she will not have a seat assigned. I think I’ll put my sister (my maid of honor) and my very imposing brother on lookout for her. If she shows up, they will inform the security guard and between the three of them, she will be removed and I won’t have to deal with her. If she harbors ill will for being removed when she knows she’s crashing, that’s hers to deal with. I have one foot out the door at my employer and am looking for a way out. I’m not going to let her ruin my day.

Go to HR and tell them your dilemma and your concerns about retaliation/bullying. Let them sort it out.

Consider putting a beautifully handwritten sign at the entry to the venue, “This event is by invitation only, ‘Name of boss’, this means you!”

One more suggestion, find out what she’s planning to wear, what colour her dress is, or some extremely easy way to identify her. Then set some large male party goer as bouncer, it’s his one job to bounce this one person. You give the nod, as soon as she is spied, out she goes, no muss, no fuss. If you couple this with going to HR I think you’ve covered all the bases!