My boss thinks she's invited to my wedding... help!

Is this something else you could mention to your branch manager, given they he approached you in the past? I am pretty sure that the branch mgr will know the ins and outs of what’s appropriate and could handle this from a level of authority that you cannot project.

I flat-out disagree with this.

This is the OP’s once-in-a-lifetime day. A nice wedding requires months of planning, appointments, and cash. The OP does not like her boss and does not consider her a friend. She should not be bullied into inviting this person to the wedding, especially since the boss made it crystal clear that she only wants to go for the free beer and food (how classy!). This is a wedding, not a frat party.

Next time the boss brings it up, drop a very clear hint by saying, “I wish I could have you there, I am sorry,” and leave it at that. Inform HR ahead of time what is going on and tell them you suspect you will be retaliated against. When that time comes, HR will know the story and be ready. Unless you’re making six figures or have a dream job, it’s not worth letting one snotty boss in your life screw up your big day.

I think this is a good way of phrasing it. And really, if you say no and she does show up for an hour during the dancing then you probably won’t notice her, she’ll chit chat with a few people then realize she doesn’t know anyone and then leave. And you will have an incriminating photo (be sure to get a photo!) of her stalking you in your personal life, that you can show to HR if need be.

I wouldn’t even go that far. I rescind my former suggestion and would just say. “I’m sorry that we can’t invite everyone. I know how much you want to go.”

She obviously doesn’t *wish *she could have her there.

No way, dude! Asking her what she’s wearing is basically inviting her!

I agree with melodyharmonious. “Hmm, yeah, that IS a bummer…” is all you need to say.

And also I agree with Agent Foxtrot, re: Marxx. There’s no way she should have to “suck it up” and let the bitch come. This isn’t communist Russia - she has the right to a private private life outside of work!

Although, I am getting quite excited now for the wedding. I want to know what Crazy Boss Lady ends up doing. Sick and sad of me, I know. But y’all are thinking it too… :wink:

I agree that you should definitely leave out the “wish I could invite you!” part, no matter what you say. Because she’ll take you at your word, and use that as an excuse to show up, deciding you really do want her there.

Good for you. That’s how I would handle it.

Me, too. I almost wish *I *could be invited, just to see what happens. I’d like to see Serenata67 take her out with a flying tackle. :stuck_out_tongue:

Serenata67 needs to set up a web feed so we can sit around the pc with popcorn and take online bets . . .

No apologies, no explanations. You’re not sorry you couldn’t invite her, and you certainly don’t owe her an explanation as to why.

One way to back it up is to go to HR pre-emptively, as others have wisely suggested.

Another thing you could try is to sit her down privately and explain your concerns in a plain and direct way. Explain that you’re concerned about retaliation, and explain that you’ve already gone to HR with your concerns.

If she doesn’t get it, slap her upside the head with a trout.

Shamefully, I am.

I was going to suggest, in the interest of your job, that you pass of the blame in the form of overbearing parents or parents-in-law who are funding the wedding and insist on planing everything, including invites… but those who suggested simple refusals are probably right. Then pretend you have something important to do.

Absolutely not. If this person is so utterly clueless and without class that she thinks inviting herself to a wedding is the done thing, she’ll take that statement as an expressed invitation.

People like this do not deserve any more tact or politeness than they are giving, and they do not take hints. I would say instead “thanks for being interested in the plans. Unfortunately, we’re only inviting family and close friends. Sorry!” Over and over. If she continues with the “oh, I’ll just come for the reception!,” then it ramps up to “I’m sorry, but we’re only inviting family and close friends, and unfortunately, that doesn’t include co-workers for either of us.”

If that doesn’t work, honestly, the only thing left to say is “I’m sorry, you’re not invited, nor are any of the people here. We’re only having family and close friends.” She’s going to retaliate anyway, might as well get it out in the open that she Is. Not. Invited.

Honestly, the utter NERVE of some people, thinking that it’s acceptable to invite themselves to a WEDDING. I know I shouldn’t be amazed at the breathtaking rudeness of some people, but I continuously wonder if these people weren’t brought up by wolves.

This, I definitely agree with. If she gets the message that she’s not invited, she’ll retaliate. If she doesn’t get the message, and actually SHOWS UP (which, again, wtf? Was she raised with absolutely no manners whatsoever?) and is then removed, she’ll retaliate. Either way, get HR informed immediately.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this unwanted stress on your wedding day. I would second (or third) informing HR ahead of time.

Yeah, not this. You want to avoid any subcommunication that you want her there but mean people are preventing it. And I would seriously avoid the word “because.” A because can be argued with.

You’re making this way too complicated. Next time she mentions it, smile and say “GREAT!” and then tell her about how in your family, there is a centuries old tradition of wedding guests getting naked and riding goats. You’ll need to rent a goat and tie it on the lawn outside the reception hall. Even if she thinks you’re joking, when she gets there and sees the goat, she’ll just keep right on driving.

In the alternative, tell her how glad you are she’ll be there, because you need a special favor…she has to be the “date” of some possibly fictional relative who might be attending. Feel free to embellish his description with details like his monobrow, acne problem, incontinence, occasional drooling, flatulence, and love of dirty dancing.
As a last resort, bribe one of the kids attending…a young boy would be best…to “accidentally” spill something all over her so she’ll leave…but not before you get some stealth pics for later amusements.

I don’t know if this is a good idea or not, but I’ll mention it.

Get a third party who has no stake in this to tell the ignorant boss “Seranata is really upset that you invited yourself to her wedding. She doesn’t want to say anything to you, but… Really, don’t you get how rude that is?”

I’d talk to her supervisor, and express my worries to her, and ask for her help in dealing with it. I wouldn’t go to HR unless it doesn’t seem like her supervisor will get involved. And if you do go to HR, make you you have your previous conversation with the supervisor documented. Then if she crashes and you have her escorted out, you’re covered.

I certainly wouldn’t say “I wish you could come but…”, because that gives her the ability to ratioinalize gate-crashing as “she really wants me there. I’ll just pop in for a few minutes.”

Good luck and congratulations.

StG

I disagree strongly with the HR advice in this thread. It would maybe, maybe, be a good idea to talk to them if your boss does in fact retaliate in some way. But to go to them before anything has really happened will cast you in a bad light.

HR is not your friend. They are NEVER your friend. At best, they will help protect your company from being sued by you, or sued by your boss. But keep in mind that shit rolls downhill, and you’re an easier target than your boss.

I have read the other thread and I know that you’re already documenting some things for HR, and that’s cool, keep it up. But don’t drag them into what will inevitably be perceived as personal drama relating to a social function off work hours and off work location. This is your problem to solve, not theirs.

Again, if there’s retaliation from your boss (at work), then let them know what happens and what you think the cause is. Do not go to them beforehand.

Times a million. Going to H.R. beforehand will only make the situation worse. Leave them out of it at all costs.

You’re doing the right thing by having wedding party members keep on the lookout to toss her. And definitely do NOT say anything to her that could be construed as an invitation. You might as well shut up entirely about your wedding at work from here on out, even if asked. And if you need to miss work don’t even bring the wedding up–just say “personal appointment” or whatever applies.