Help me design the universally offensive MRE menu.

For my own, typically me-ish reasons, I’ve recently started trying to design a universally offensive “Meal, Ready to Eat” (MRE) ration—a menu that would contain taboo, forbidden, and/or ritually unpure foods for as many cultures as possible, all in one bag. I’ve been calling it the “Sepoy Special.”

Of course, I set a few ground rules to keep the exercise from becoming a farce:

  1. No human flesh, or any other ingredients that it would be a major felony to include.
  2. Foods chosen must be actual food—no simply including feces in a bag, or inedible garbage. It has to be something that real people actually eat, or ate.
    2a.Along the same lines, just dumping a bunch of awful ingredients together in a
    stew is sort of cheating.
  3. No outright poisons, or items or treatments that possess no other function but to defile (i.e., you can’t just have Pentagram-shaped cookies, sardines packed in unholy water, or pages from the Necronomicon instead of toilet paper). Legitimate ingredients that happen to be allergens are OK.

According to this lovely web page, the typical layout of an MRE bag is along the lines of:

Anyone want to take a crack?

If the entree is a meatloaf made of pork and beef, you’re pretty much covered. Add some communion wafers on the side and you can piss off Catholics, too.

Throw in some haggis for dessert and a shot of grappa for a chaser. Even though those items aren’t taboo to anyone, not many people will eat them.

I seem to remember that lion and owl meat are both not kosher. Add those to the meatloaf, and you can piss off the World Wildlife Fund as well. :smiley:

For the spread on the wafers, use that Italian cheese that has maggots in it.

Dessert: a Twinkie. This will annoy the natural-foods contingent, and will outlast the rest of the meal. And probably civilization, as well.

Since meatloaf sounds like way to go, don’t forget to add a small assortment of domestic animal meats (both mammalian and avian) and a sampling of endangered species.

My Desert Storm Special (not so much religiously offensive, but offensive nonetheless)

  • Entree - Whale meat with brussels sprouts
  • Side dish - Darian fruit (ripe and stinky)
  • Cracker or Bread - wonderbread slice
  • Spread - cheap pate spread
  • Dessert - butterscotch ice-cream (unfrozen)
  • Candy - circus peanuts
  • Beverages - milk (uncooled)
  • Hot sauce or seasoning - death hot chilli paste
  • Flameless Ration Heater - nuke-powered
  • Accessories - spork

Meatloaf time! Meatloaf time!
Offend all your comrades with one bite!
Meatloaf time! A hint of lime! Do all your shopping — AT WAL*MART!

The most unwanted MRE

And of course, a slice of Christmas fruitcake for dessert.

Cracker or spread: Foie gras flavored spread (mostly mystery meat, may contain up to 10% cruelty to animals).
Candy: Ribbon candy, spice flavored, stuck together in a big lump.
Accessories: Wooden ice cream paddle.

I remember tearing into some MREs my dad gave me once - some of them had fruitcake in them. I can only suppose that the fruitcake was meant as a tool for opening canned items or as an emergency E&E weapon for downed airmen. You certainly couldn’t eat it.

Oh great. Now I can’t get that song out of my head. Thank you ever so much. :stuck_out_tongue:

As for the fruitcake, that’s a moot point; I’m pretty sure it’s physically impossible to actually slice it.

The “Hands across the world” Special

  • Entree - Pork trotters in black bean sauce
  • Side dish - Seafood cocktail with thousand island dressing
  • Cracker or Bread - “Cracker Ass” brand crackers (does that violate rule 3?)
  • Spread - pate (gonna have to go with the pate again - “stuffed duck” brand)
  • Dessert - Great Wall of Chocolate
  • Candy - marzipan nut bar
  • Beverages - vodka
  • Hot sauce or seasoning - nampura
  • Flameless Ration Heater - kerosine-fueled burner
  • Accessories - chopsticks
  • Entree - Whale sashimi
  • Side - Tiet canh (Vietnamese blood pudding)
  • Bread - Communion wafers
  • Spread - casu marzu (maggot cheese)
  • Dessert - Bashasi ice cream (horse flavored)
  • Candy - Bertie Bott’s Beans (including booger and soap flavored jelly beans)
  • Beverage - Kopi Luwak coffee (made from beans civets have eaten and shat out) and yak butter tea.
  • Hot sauce or seasoning - Capsaicin extract
  • Condiments - Marmite (yeast) and fermented bean paste

:Raises Hand: I’ll trade you my Chicken a’la King for it.


You’ve obviously never had MRE Chicken a’la King.

I think Aesiron’s is hard to top for sheer offensiveness + grossitude. Maybe toss in some balut for a snack, and/or some paadaek (Lao rotten fish condiment), and you’ve got it made.

Candy - black (only) jelly babies.

be sure to add Natto in there somewhere.

I’m sure that if anyone could manage this feat, it would be the guys with a 65+ ton food processor.

For beverages, you could go with alcohol-free wine. It’s still haram (I think), due to having some alcohol left, and it’s also offensive to just about anybody who would regularly drink wine. Have it come in a carton for the extra offence to any wine snob.

Also, ketchup as the sole condiment. Gotta have something to alienate the food snobs!

I seem to recall some northern culture ate fertile bird eggs that had been buried until the bird fetus died and was cooked by it’s own decomposition. That’s pretty yucky to a lot of people.