For those who don’t know, or who are trying to forget, I work in the propaganda department of a large organisation in Hong Kong. I try to rationalise this criminal waste of talent more as loaning rather than selling my soul to the devil.
Some of my work involves editing what my Chinese colleagues write. They tend to be infused with a kind of corporate-speak that mixes the worst of all worlds. What we end up with is a mass of prefabricated phrases interspersed with pseudo-purposes ("in order to enhance our service in accordance with our vision/mission/core values*), dodgy cause/effect claims and their beloved dyads (“to enhance and improve”, “excellence and quality”, “competitive and socially-aware” (see below), etc.).
Well, I was just given something concocted while I was on holiday. I couldn’t get past the first sentence without having to stop, grab a coffee and moan to you lot. (It’s always worse when I go away, and have to come back and realise afresh how low I have descended!) Here goes with the text. Enjoy! - as they might say:
“The social and environmental aspects of doing business have never before held the importance that they assume in today’s competitive and socially-aware global village.”
- They’re all pretty much interchangeable - often are interchanged, in fact.
Jesus. People actually write that stuff? I always assumed it was computer generated or something.
Can we offer more succinct versions of our own?
“We can’t pillage the planet or exploit third world children anymore, or the spoilt westernised pseudo-intellectuals will ping us for it and stop buying our crap. Actually we can, we just have to cover our tracks better”
"If you jackoffs don’t start getting your factories up to code we’re never going to hear the end of it. You guys have no idea what tightasses Westerners can be about the environment. "
“It’s not enough that stuff is cheap at WalMart and Target. People now want to feel good about it. They don’t want to know it’s made under slave labour conditions in our sweatshops by children shackeled to their benches. You need to start hiding that shit better.”
Well Roger, there’s no time like the present to get your cow-orkers noses to the grindstones. Because, when it rains it pours.
Best wishes to you and yours in this endeavour.
You’ve no idea how fitting that comment is. Hong Kong is having its wettest year since, well, the last one.
Just checked the newspaper and there were 24 cm (that’s 8 inches in old money) of rain just yesterday. AND, today it took me twice as ling as normal to drive into work and I was aquaplaning most of the way. Looking outside my office window now (at 10.30 in the morning) it looks like 10.30 in the evening.
Do you think a higher being is trying to tell me and mine something?