Help me help Hallboy (School related)

I hope I didn’t come across as sanctimonious or self-congratulatory in my post, LifeOnWry. Rereading it, I think I may have made it sound like my daughter magically “got it” on her own. Don’t get me wrong - we leaned hard on her until she straightened up, and there was never a time when we were willing to let her just sink or swim. We did the drill of signing her agenda every day and having the teachers make notes about her homework weekly, and I’m sure that kind of pressure was a big part of her eventually seeing the light.

Some kids get it in middle school, some get it in high school, and some have to learn it the hard way later on. I have no illusions that my daughter can’t backslide, either. I’m going to be checking homework religiously next year, when she starts high school, and I won’t be surprised if we have to go through some version of this all over again.

I, too, was one of those kids. My parents took the method described by laramary.

Refusing (and “forgetting”) to do homework had started out as boredom, became about control, and evolved into open warfare. I, too, could entertain myself with just about anything. They stripped my bedroom down to nothing but furniture and blankets, so I would have nothing to do but homework. They assigned me pointless tasks (writing the same thing over and over). Sign in/sign out sheets, two-parent supervision at the dining-room table. Everything that is listed in the “by force if necessary” method of homework assurance was tried. I was so oppresively supervised and disciplined that the only thing I had left was control over my grip on the pencil. So I would. Not. Write. The phase lasted far (FAR) longer than it would or should have naturally, because it became a pride thing. It took a long time for our relationship to finally heal from the Homework War.*

I think what would have worked for me (before it became a war) is what you seem to be doing with your son (as mentioned in your last post). I saw homework as pointless. If they could have made it seem useful to me, instead of making it about control, I would have done it. This may be easier for you, because in my case, I was acing my tests. I didn’t need the reinforcement to learn the concepts. Maybe if you can turn your son on to the concepts, the homework will follow.

I had a fabulous history teacher, who asked me why I didn’t do my homework. I told him I found it pointless and boring. Instead of saying the same thing everyone else said (“We all have to do things we don’t like! Everything can’t be fun!”), he said, “Well, what if I gave you homework that wasn’t boring?” So while the rest of the class was answering the questions at the end of the chapter, he’d highlight some random person or even barely mentioned in the text, and have me research it. He would assign me other books to read. He let me poke through his collection of early 20th century magazines (oh, how I loved that). Was this unfair to the rest of the class, me getting special treatment? Probably. But he sure made me love to learn. And I always did my homework for his class.

*Sometimes, even, I’m not sure it is healed. A dozen years, a bachelor’s degree, honors in my major, and a successful career underway. . . and when my last company folded and I called them to say, “I got laid off,” the first words out of my father’s mouth were, “Were you doing your work?”

No, not at all. I’m just being whiney and gripey about my own situation, not really commenting on anyone else’s. I’m a little defensive because I get a lot of pressure from friends and family saying, “just LET her fail, she won’t learn her lesson otherwise!” While I can intellectually process that and definitely see the merit in it, it’s my KID, you know? I often feel as though checking up on her and staying on top of her is enabling - and it probably IS, to some extent. It’s just not worth it to me to let her get so far behind that she can’t catch back up for the sake of teaching her a lesson. Straddling the line between enabling her and letting her sink or swim is difficult and tiring; doing so under outside scrutiny and criticism make a parent feel pretty stupid.

Perhaps some manual labour might be in order? Peeling a bag of potatoes or yardwork? When he complains, you can say that he needs the practice for when he flunks out of school.

My grandmother did this to one of my aunts who was not doing well in school. Vovo cleaned houses for a living and at that time had booked what was then called “heavy cleaning” which involves washing down walls and cleaning ceilings and so on. She began training my aunt to do it. My aunt protested that she had no plans to clean houses for a living. My grandmother pointed out that she would have little choice unless she brought her grades up, and it was certainly a reliable way to make a living – after all, Vovo did it to raise auntie.

I am told it was effective.

Hallboy sounds JUST LIKE me as a child/teen. Until graduation from high school, I had problems completing my homework because I’d forget about it. Fortunately, my parents got help from a psychologist who specialized in childhood ADD, and didn’t believe in medications.

Here’s what was done for me:

  1. My parents spoke to all of my teachers, to get them on board and get their suggestions.
  2. They then institutued a daily assignment sheet, which was to be filled out by me and intitialed by my teachers, which also gave them a way to rate my performance that day, as well as a space for them to add anything to my assignments.
  3. I would have to bring home the intitialed sheet every day for my parents, and do my homework, which they would check against the assignment sheet.

As I got more into the routine of writing stuff down, I could go to every other day, or more spaced out (by senior year, I was down to 2x a week, then 1x a week by graduation.) PM me and I’ll see what I can do about digging up an old copy, as it was about 14 years since I last used them.

Oh, I almost forgot - rewards were TV time and dessert during the week. Every quarter I pulled off an A, I got to do something I wanted to do, like movies or the arcade or a free tank of gas and use of the car for the weekend. Punishments were the opposite of rewards, and thank god I never got an F. Other punishments included having to wash the car(s) if there was a D for the marking period. A D for the year saw me spend all my time outside as I was not allowed to watch TV, and my father would check to see if the back of it was warm.

Cool! Now, to piggyback on this…

Where do you work, and where does your spouse work? Would it be possible to take Hallboy to one or the other, and if so, is there a co-worker who loves hir job and will go on at length about how terrific it is? And, and this is particularly effective with a teen boy, is there a co-worker who has a really sweet ride? If you take Hallboy to the parking lot/garage, and tell him, “Jim just bought this, mm-hm…He makes X amount a year…” that may cement his resolve.

Unfortunately, there’s not a spouse involved (or a father), which I’m sure is part of the problem. (No male role model, except for a sporadic teacher here and there, and a friend’s dad. Hallboy has been on the waiting list for BB/BS for over 7 years now, but that’s another thread.)

Hallboy is a regular at my work (office). I’m fortunate that the office is fairly kid friendly, and Hallboy knows I work on the computer a large part of the day. I am seriously considering having him shadow some one who has the type of job Hallboy might be interested in–if I could only find that person…It’s not like I can take out an ad in the paper.

Well, good luck then!

Is changing schools an option? It may be that this school doesn’t suit your child.

The public schools in the area are horrible. A couple of years ago, the govenment took control of the schools and booted the school board out. The classrooms are overcrowded, the teachers overwhelmed and the students…well, they’re the same kids in the area attempting to B&E into buildings, vandalizing vehicles and beating each other up in the alleys. The charter school (Hallboy’s first experience with “public” school) was bad–very, very, very bad. Traditional public schools in our area would be worse.

There are the Catholic schools, however, I’m a recovering Catholic who suffered through Catholic elementary school. I can’t help but think Hallboy would suffer a similar fate.

Unfortunately, finances don’t allow us to move to another district, and even then, the classrooms are so crowded (30+ kids in a class???), I have difficulty envisioning it being a better situation.

I received an email from Hallboy’s Spanish teacher today. Big surprise–he’s not turning in his homework in THAT class either.

This is a horrible situation, and you’re right and good to do everything in your power to try to rectify it. There was a thread, earlyish last year, where a mother was posting about how her son was simply a bad seed and what could she do about it. I believe she threw him out in the end. I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say that I hope it doesn’t come to that.

There are no other private schools in the area? How about a boarding school? They’re not for everyone, but he is of the Harry Potter generation.

You’ve mentioned that there’s no father present. Is it possible that he think you are romantically involved with someone and he’s reacting negatively to that?

As others have noted, it seems to be becoming a power game. Have you considered corporal punishment? This would probably need to be delivered in your home by a trusted male friend, not yourself. (“Your mother has told me of her disappointment that you… Bend over.”)

You’ve said that he had a bad experience with the state school. Will the school keep a place for him for a term? If so, perhaps you could simply pretend to give up on him. “Hallboy, I’m spending an awful lot of money sending you to this school and you’re simply not applying yourself. I’m wasting the money. If you want to flunk out, then you may as well flunk out of the state system. Unless your grades improve, next term I’m enrolling you in the state school.” He’ll likely call you on it, so enroll him. He’ll have a horrible time, of course. Then you can say that if he demonstrates he’s worth it, you’ll re-enroll him in the private school.

But I prefer my earlier suggestion: menial jobs. When he complains, say that he has to show that he’s worth better - just as he will when he gets a real job. His hormones are kicking in. Don’t confront them; challenge them.

Wow, Quartz, um, thanks for your input.

Unless I hit the lottery, boarding school is completely and utterly out. (Even then, I can’t imagine shipping my kid off to school somewhere.)

No, there’s no way that anyone could presume that I’m romatically involved with anyone, because anytime I’m not at work, I’m at home with Hallboy.

Corporal punishment, administered by someone else, eh? Since this isn’t the Pit, I’ll refrain from addressing that.

One of the things that may have been missed from my earlier post is that Hallboy is a good kid–there’s not a problem with his behavior overall. He’s responsible overall, polite, well mannered, gets along well with others, etc. It’s just the homework issue that’s been troubling. Homework is NOT a reason in my book to consider booting him to the curb. Especially not at 12. :dubious:

I will chime in and say I was like Hallboy, I could end up with a single page of notes from a whole year of classes - even after I finished high school. Because I did well in exams no one seemed to care.

When my sons began to exhibit similar traits I had them tested for ADD, which was never mentioned when I was a kid, because they had all the behaviours - no application, inability to focus, mind racing ahead of physical work. It used to drive me crazy sitting with either of them while they did their homework - it would take them hours to produce a few lines of work even though they were applying themselves.

We began treatment for their problems soon after. The elder son has graduated and is now working. The younger one graduated in the top few percent last year and begins university in a few weeks.

Neither would have graduated high school without identifying their problem.

Another vote here for bored silly. I just barely got out of high school with a 2.2 GPA or something because the type of learning they wanted was tedious. Within two years I was on the deans list at college because I got to create my own answers. In even really good schools for your son’s age group everything is just memorization and regurgitation. For those who are hungry for synthesis and original work the entire enterprise is a deadly bore regardless of the subject.

My mantra back then was always that if I needed to know what they were trying to make me memorize I would look it up. 35 years later that is exactly what I do.

See if you can get the kid tested for aptitude and intellegence. Until I was tested in the 11th grade thay had me in the “special” class because of my poor performance. Turns out I tested at 147 or something on the IQ test they were using back then. Not sure which one that would be.

While it’s true that you can’t take out an ad, the Chamber of Commerce may be able to help, or even if you phoned the corporate offices of Lego. You can probably find someone for your son to email with or a quick phone call with. Maybe one of your sons teachers would be willing to entertain the idea of giving him bonus marks for a report about how some of his school work could help him reach his dreams?