Help me insult my students...

I’m looking for a series of comical expressions (they can be of your own brilliant creation) that are in the same family as “You have missed the boat”. There are a number of kids in one of my classes that constantly annoy their classmates, yapping about how great they are and how they know everything already, and how this class (which is core requirement for their degree) is a complete waste of time. WELL! They flunked their midterms big time. I didn’t know they were the authors of said midterms since all I had to go on were student numbers.

So I need a list. Be creative. Help me out here. I WANT REVENNNNNNNGE!

Elenfair, who really wants her course evaluations this year to read (at least once), “Prof is sick, twisted, and a certified nut. Her sense of humour makes the course fun. Did anyone ever test her for ADD?”

“SHUT UP, OR I’LL KILL YOU!” No, I guess you can’t say that nowadays.

“If you’re so smart, how come you flunked your midterm? Dummy.” No, I guess that’s a bit harsh.

Remind them that “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt”?

Okay, how about… “Oh, yeah? This is you.” Then twist your face up and act “spastic”. This one works well in any argument. Especially with humourless “superiors”. :smiley:

I’m sure you’ll look fabulous in polyester. Can you say “Do you want fries with that”?

“Please, God, don’t let him breed!”

Well, getting kinda off subject, yesterday I experienced something very funny. In my honors US History class, we were making posters emulating World War 1 propoganda. Everyone grouped up into teams of 2, and went to work. One person decided he wanted to work by himself, so he did just that. He completed his poster about 2 minutes after we started work. It said, simply, “Kill More Germans” with a stickman in some crosshairs. He walked to the front of the room, and said “Where do you want me to put this?”. The teacher pressed his finger against his head, as if he felt a migrain coming up. He shouted “Put it right Here!” and he slammed the poster onto a table, rendering it crinkled. Then, out teacher proceeded to get up, looking like he was about to cry, and walked out of the classroom. I don’t think I have ever seen a teacher break-down like this before. It was a bit funny in a twisted kinda way. Poor guy…

“You’re about as smart as a post. If you were half as useful as a post, I’d be right proud.”

I’m beginning to think that even if the possiblity of eternal life existed, there just isn’t enough time to explain this to you in a way that you will understand.

“I can see you’re trying. Very trying.”

My dad used to insult me. (But in a poke-in-the-ribs way, not as a form of abuse.) He used to say things like:

“If you had a brain it would rattle like a BB in a boxcar.”

“If you had a brain you’d be dangerous.”

“If you had a brain you’d take it out and play with it.”

“You’re the only person I’ve ever met with a negative IQ.”

“You look like the syphilitic afterbirth of a Lower-Slobovian gang-bang.”

“Did your mother have any children that lived?”

I don’t know where I heard it, but someone pointed out someone and said, “Dumber than that, and they die.”

Ex-g/f used to say, “Small minds are easily amused.”

RE: “Kill More Germans”. Reminds me of a poster I saw back in the 80s: “Kill a Commie for your Mommy.”

The Mermaid: I like that one.

Rue DeDay: Reminds me of how you can tell you’re in Hollywood. The guy at the drive-through says, “Would you like a script with those fries?”

When someone says something stupid, a friend of mine barks at the person.

“You rode the ‘special bus’ here, didn’t you?”

Well…basic and to the point. Isn’t that what effective advertising is all about?

A la Cecil:

If ignorance were cornflakes, you’de be General Mills

I love that one!


Tell them that their work would be considered brilliant … in junior high school. :smiley:

If I saw you floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.

Thanks guys!

Now I have gingerale on my keyboard and on my cutsie little imac screen!

Thanks for the laughs - some of these will be reeeeaaaaaaaal handy when I hand these back.

I was also thinking of making the Douglas Adams “the secret is to bang the rocks together, guys” comment…

Whee! Back to marking,


That is–for you–a well thought out and lucid comment. It’s still wrong.

Tee hee, themermaid!!!

I am just itching to write, on one of the midterms, in the margin…

42/100 + 64 for B.S. - 50 for insight - 14 for drool that made the ink run. Oh, and next time, don’t be monosyllabic.


WHY is it that students figure that if they start writing an exam in really really poor handwriting, they’ll get a good mark because we won’t be able to read it? I mean… who breeds these individuals? Whoever it is, they ought to get their Kennel Club memberships revoked and get their names taken off the “reputable breeder” list.



A few old favourites:

“You’re not the brightest bulb on the marquee.”

“Were your parents related before they got married?”

“If brains were dynamite, you couldn’t blow your nose.”

“When they handed out brains, you were first in line–but you held the door for all the rest.”

“Yeah, I remember having my first beer too.” (Maybe not suitable for school, but you can use it in other situations.)

You! Outta the gene pool!

If an infinite number of monkeys were to bang away at an infinite number of typewriters for an infinite time, they would eventually reproduce the complete works of William Shakespear. Your mid-term? 3 monkeys, 10 minutes. [sub]Scott Adams, paraphrased[/sub]

<Cock head to one side, lift one eyebrow, shake head, stick out tounge>

I used to to think like that, Then I stopped craping in my diapers…

All good… one word of advice though… don’t try too hard - you’ll sound rehearsed and the kids’ll think you’re the least cool person on the planet. It’s a fine line ladies and gentlemen, a fine line.

Some of these are from an email somebody sent me a few months ago:

• A hundred thousand sperm and YOU were the fastest?

• How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

• Stop talking… I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

• Don’t they ever shut up on your planet?

• Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

• Lately there seems to have been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

• You’re like one of those idiot savants, except without the “savant” part.

• I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

• I like long walks, especially when taken by people who annoy me.

• Everyone is entitled to be stupid once in a while but you’re abusing the privilege.

• You couldn’t get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.

There is no polite way to insult people. However, a far better idea is if you can get them to insult themselves.