I was wondering if y’all (especally you English major types) would help me with a “personal statment” I had to write for a scholarship application.
I am mainly looking for input regarding spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors, but any input regarding content, word choice, or formatting would be greatly appreciated.
My task was as follows:
This is what resulted:
Now, be like my English teachers of old and cover that sucker in (virtual) red ink! 
Here is the slightly edited version I came up with, corrected for punctuation, spelling and grammar, as well as making some statements read better. It was actually pretty good, and only needed minor editing. 
Try this on for size:
Dollars for Scholars Personal Statement
Part 1: Who I am
My name is EvilAsh and I am a non-traditional student, having returned to San Jacinto College after ten years in the work force to pursue my undergraduate degree. I am a divorced father of two boys, and in the last few years, I have successfully juggled family, a full-time job, and school.
I returned to school in 2001 after failing out ten years previously due to a lack of drive and focus. I returned to school with a GPA of 1.21, but with hard work and diligence, I’m proud to say that I brought my GPA up to 3.55 and have earned my Associates Degree.
I have also been involved in several extra-curricular activities and have been the recipient of several honors. I was selected to participate in the Texas Aerospace Scholars program, which, in conjunction with NASA’s Johnson Space Center, allowed me to assist with research of planetary robotic probes. I was active in the Science Club, serving first as the Activities Chair, and then as the President. I am currently involved with the Peer Assistant Leaders (PALs) program, which is a student volunteer tutoring program. I was recognized by them as the “Tutor of the Semester” in the Spring of 2005, as well as honored as the “Tutor of the Year” for the 2004-5 academic year. Additionally, I am currently a Supplemental Instruction (SI) leader for both halves of Inorganic Chemistry.
When not at work or school, I enjoy traveling, reading and learning foreign languages (I am fluent in Spanish, and am learning German and Russian). I also love the outdoors, and pursue camping and canoeing with my sons at every opportunity.
Part 2: My Major
My intended educational goal is to obtain a B.S. in Finance, with an emphasis on international finance.
Part 3: Importance of a Degree
The importance of obtaining a degree is several-fold. First, it would be disingenuous to deny the financial benefits of a college education. I would like to be able to earn more money to provide a higher standard of living for myself and my children. However, earning a degree is also important to me for a less tangible reason: personal fulfillment. I have spent 13 years in a job that, while well paid, is unsatisfying. I want to be able to have a career that will excite and challenge me. A degree will help make that happen.
Part 4: Future Goals
After I have obtained my B.S. degree, I plan to begin to work on my Masters degree. Once I have completed my degrees, I would like to get a job in an international investments firm with some foreign travel as part of my job responsibilities.
Thank you for your time and consideration of me as a Dollars for Scholars recipient.
A general comment: I wouldn’t say you failed out because of lack of drive and focus. At the the time you weren’t ready to take advantage of a secondary education or your focus lay elsewhere…however you want to put it. You should flesh out whatever else you were doing at the time or started doing when you left. The point is everyone knows there’s more to life than school and you shouldn’t make it seem like your lack of drive and focus was a global problem or just immaturity if you don’t have to.
My 2 cents:
Dollars for Scholars Personal Statement
Part 1: Who I am
My name is EvilAsh. I am a non-traditional (would your age be better here? Non-traditional can mean many things) student who returned to San Jacinto College after 10 years (below it says you worked there 13 years) in the work force to pursue my undergraduate degree. I am a divorced father of two wonderful boys who is working to master the art of juggling family, a full-time job and school.
I enrolled in college nearly a decade ago, but failed as a student as I lacked drive and focus. So when I returned to college in 2001, I had a lot of work before me. My GPA was 1.21, but with hard work and diligence, I’ve brought it up to 3.55 and have earned my associates degree.
I have been involved in several extra-curricular activities and have been the recipient of several honors. I was selected to participate in the Texas Aerospace Scholars program, which, in conjunction with NASA’s Johnson Space Center, allowed me to assist with research of planetary robotic probes. I was active in the Science Club, serving first as the activities chairman, and then as the president. More recently, I became involved with the Peer Assistant Leaders (PALs) program, a student volunteer tutoring program, in which I was recognized as the “Tutor of the Semester” during the spring 2005 semester. I also was honored as the “Tutor of the Year” for the 2004-05 academic year. Finally, I am a supplemental instruction leader for both halves (?) of Inorganic Chemistry.
When not at work or school, I enjoy traveling, reading and learning foreign languages; I know (speak? write? read?) Spanish, and I am learning German and Russian. I also love the outdoors, and camp and canoe with my sons at every opportunity.
Part 2: My Major
My educational goal is to obtain a bachelors in Finance, with an emphasis on International Finance. (Is there anything more you can add here? Your minor (language?) and how it will work with your major? Also, how about your GPA? Perhaps you’d like to graduate summa cum laude?)
Part 3: Importance of a Degree
It would be disingenuous to deny the financial benefits of a college education. I would like to earn more money to provide a higher standard of living for myself and my children. However, earning a degree is also important to me for a less tangible reason: personal fulfillment. I have spent 13 years in a job that pays well but is extremely menial and boring. I want a career that will excite and challenge me. A degree can make that happen.
Part 4: Future Goals
After earning my undergraduate degree, I intend to earn my masters degree. Ideally, I’d like to work with an international investment firm that would require foreign travel as part of my responsibilities.
Thank you for considering me as a potential Dollars for Scholars recipient.
Good luck!
Here’s my effort. Comments in red, amendments in blue. I’ve forgotten how to do strikeout.
Basically, you’re using a lot of passive voice and your phrasing needs to be more condensed and more positive.
Good luck
Dollars for Scholars Personal Statement
Part 1: Who I am
My name is EvilAsh and I am a mature student who has decided to return to San Jacinto College after ten years in gainful employment to pursue an undergraduate degree. I am a divorced father of two wonderful boys (comma deleted) who is mastering the art of juggling family, a full-time job, and school.
I returned to school in 2001. Through hard work and diligence my GPA is currently 3.55 and I have earned my Associate’s Degree. (Major tightening here - consider putting in when you earned the degree)
I have also been involved in several extra-curricular activities as well as been the recipient of several honors (Unless you’ve been knighted or awarded medals, no you haven’t - do you mean awards? Name the awards). I participated in the Texas Aerospace Scholars program, which, in conjunction with NASA’s Johnson Space Center, allowed me to assist with research of planetary robotic probes. I was also active in the Science Club, initially serving as the Activities Chair, and then as the President. More recently, I am involved with the Peer Assistant Leaders (PALs) program, which is a student volunteer tutoring program. They awarded me the titles Tutor of the Semester'*(single quotes, not double)* during the spring semester of 2005, and Tutor of the Year’ for the 2004-2005 academic year. Finally, I am currently a Supplemental Instruction (SI) leader for both halves of Inorganic Chemistry.
When not at work or school I enjoy traveling, reading, and learning foreign languages (I know Spanish, and I am learning German and Russian). I also love the outdoors, and pursue camping and canoeing with my sons.
Part 2: My Major
I intend to obtain a B.S. in Finance, with an emphasis on international finance.
Part 3: Importance of a Degree
Waffle deleted I More waffle deleted want an increased income to provide a higher standard of living for myself and my children. I will also gain considerable personal [color=blue]satisfaction from gaining this degree:[/color] I have spent 13 years in an unfulfilling job that is below my abilities. (If your job were well-paid, you wouldn’t be in need of a scholarship, would you?) I want the education to have a career that will excite and challenge me. I believe that a degree Name the degree! from San Jacinto College will make that happen.
Part 4: Future Goals
After I have obtained my B.S. degree, I want to continue my education and gain a Master’s Degree. After this, I will seek a job in an international investments firm that will involve foreign travel as part of my responsibilities.
Thank you for your time and for considering me as a Dollars for Scholars recipient.
We can do better: ‘I have spent 13 years in an unfulfilling job and know that with education I can do better.’
I want to thank everyone for their editorial input. It was appreciated more than I can adequately express in words. I am fast zeroing in on what I hope to be a final draft. What do you think of this:
Thanks again for your help.
I don’t like this sentence. On my first read, it looked like your boys were mastering etc., and that you had a number error in your grammar. Of course I understand what you intended. I would rewrite to
I am a father of two wonderful boys, and I am at last beginning to master the art of juggling family, a full-time job, and school.
Good luck with your application. In general, you sound like the kind of candidate that I would love to give a scholarship to.
I don’t know about the U.S. but in the U.K there is a proper term for one such as you: mature student.
This is detrimental to your case. Simply leave it out.
Again, why put this in? Leave it out!
With challenging and diligent work I earned my Associate’s Degree in 200x with a GPA of 3.55.
This is waffle! Excise it.
More waffle!
Waffle aside, it’s much better.
The very best of luck to you.
Dollars for Scholars Personal Statement
Part 1: Who I am
My name is EvilAsh, and I am a non-traditional student who returned to San Jacinto College to pursue my undergraduate degree after ten years in the work force. I am a father of two wonderful boys, [this comma needs to go] who is mastering the art of juggling family, a full-time job, [this comma isn’t necessary] and school.
I returned to school in 2001 after failing out [awkward verb] ten years previously due to a lack of drive and focus. When I returned to school, I had a GPA of 1.21; [a semi-colon is the wrong punctuation here. It should be a comma] but due to hard work and diligence, I have raised my GPA to 3.55 and I [you don’t need this “I”] have earned my associate’s degree.
I have also been involved in several extra-curricular activities and have been the recipient of several awards. I was selected to participate in the Texas Aerospace Scholars program, which, in conjunction with NASA’s Johnson Space Center, allowed me to assist with research of planetary robotic probes. I was active in the Science Club, serving as first the Activities Chair [were you a chair or a chairman? I hope you were a chairman. Also, titles should not be capitalized unless it is directly before a name. Even the pope isn’t capitalized unless it comes before "John Paul.:] , and then as the President [same title rule here]. More recently, I became involved with the Peer Assistant Leaders (PALs) program, a student volunteer tutoring program. I was recognized by them [ a program is not a “them”; a program is an “it”] as the ‘Tutor of the Semester’ [single quotes are only used inside already quoted material; these should be double quotes] during the spring 2005 semester, as well as honored as the ‘Tutor of the Year’ [ditto] for the 2004-2005 academic year. Finally, I am currently a Supplemental Instruction (SI) leader for Inorganic Chemistry I and II.
When not at work or school, I enjoy traveling, reading and learning foreign languages (I am nearly fluent in Spanish, and I am learning German and Russian). I also love the outdoors, and camp and canoe with my sons at every opportunity.
Part 2: My Major
My educational goal is to obtain a B.S. in Finance, with an emphasis on international finance.
Part 3: Importance of a Degree
The importance of obtaining a degree is several-fold [how can an importance be several-fold? You really don’t need this sentence, and it reads a bit “freshman English composition” to me] . First, it would be disingenuous to deny the financial benefits of a college education. I would like to be able to earn more money to provide a higher [don’t you mean “better”?] standard of living for myself and my children. However, earning a degree is also important to me for a less tangible reason [There is also a less tangible reasoon:] personal fulfillment. I have spent thirteen years in an unfulfilling job that is below my abilities. I want an education to have a career [this reads that you want the education to have a career instead of yourself. It’s awkward] that will excite and challenge me. A degree from the University of Houston-Clear Lake will [can] make that happen.
Part 4: Future Goals
After earning my undergraduate degree, I intend to continue my education and earn a master’s degree. After this, I would like to work with an international investment firm that would involve foreign travel as part of my responsibilities.
I feel that with my academic achievements, campus activities, [this comma isn’t necessary] and proven leadership [but you do need a comma right here] I would be a worthwhile recipient of this scholarship. Thank you for your time and for considering me as a Dollars for Scholars recipient.
Good luck, EvilAsh. I hope you get it.
Reported as presumed spam. I’m not clicking the link to find out for sure. I guess Trevor can return to explain resurrection of zombie if not.