My nephew went through this stage some months ago. Before starting any activity - even tying shoelaces - he had to know that he would win. At the time I accepted it and made light of it, but I still don’t understand it. So please explain it, because likely as not I’ll go through it again in 3-4 years with my niece. And I’d rather know more about it beforehand.
You may get lucky with your neice. My brother was the competetive one. I never cared. Being a year younger I was second at everything, and just let that be the way things were.
It’s a recognized developmental stage, though not all children experience it to the same degree.
My kid was very much like your nephew. I think it was linked to intelligence by one of her teachers. Because she picked up a lot of skill very quickly, she expected to know everything. She’s better now (8 1/2 Y/o) but I still have to remind her about practice and perseverance.
My mum is doing a course in early childhood development, I’ll ask her about it. Though I’m sure other Dopers will have a definitive answer before I can track her down.
Please tell me you didn’t say that.
Is this recognized developmental stage experienced differently in more collective societies, like Latin America and Asia? Do Japanese children have the “must win” stage? Does it last as long? Is it just in boys? What about the children who grew up in kibbutzim back when they were separated from their parents and the whole kibbutz raised all of the children collectively?
Curious Dopers need to know!
First I’ve heard of the “must-win” stage. Is this something new, or something that’s been around but with a new label? I don’t think I’ve ever undergone this stage, that I could remember. Sounds like a new-age motivator or such.
Righto, still hoping someone with more info will hop in here.
Some children, like some adults, want to succeed more than others. If this is channeled positively it can be a real boost to self esteem and achievement.
If not handled well (by parents or child) it can lead to frustration and screaming tantrums.
Writing is one area where it can be easily spotted.
The child can identify letters and read to some extent, but the fine motor skills haven’t caught up with the visual recognition, therefore the child cannot write as well as they think they should - given that they know how the words should look.
Instead of steady progress, the child can become frustrated and there can be a marked drop in writing ability as they lose confidence and the experience becomes negatively charged.
As the child grows older, they learn to control their emotions, give themselves a break and practice without the high expectations of themselves.
I think this may apply to Quartz’s nephew as s/he specifically mentioned an activity that is observed before using fine motor skills.
You can watch someone tying shoelaces, you can understand how it looks and the method needed to get there, but a 3-4 year old will have trouble co-ordinating their fingers to achieve it.
That in itself is a natural stage that all kids go through.
Some find it more frustrating and upsetting than others. There’s no genetic link, the OP’s niece will have her own personality and handle this stage her own way.
I don’t often laugh out loud while reading the Dope, but this, this got me.
I was just reading about this behaviour in my Today’s Parent magazine.
It may partly be linked to the type of praise/feedback the child gets.
For example, if whenever the child does well at something, he is consistently praised for being “smart”, he may internalize that and restrict himself to activities in which he can prove his “smartness” and end up not challenging himself because he doesn’t want to fail.
Whereas a child who is consistently praised for his “effort” will be motivated to try regarless of the perceived difficulty of a task, because he doesn’t feel the same pressure to be “smart” and avoid “failure”.
Of course a lot depends on the inherent nature & sensitivity of the child.
I can see that with mine, her extended family are always praising her for being smart and clever, because she is.
I try to tell her that *effort *is just as important, but I’m just her mother :rolleyes: What could I know?
We go through the cycle each time when she gets frustrated with a new skill. If I’m lucky, I can get her to recognize her minor improvements and build on them, and everything is wonderful.
Then the next time its all frustration again.
Did the article give any hints on how to deal with it?
My child and maggenpye’s are cut from the same mold and have had the same experiences. Many a time I have wanted to smack people for telling our son AGAIN how smart he is. The combination of being smart, being afraid of failure - and in my son’s case, being a bit lazy as well - is ruinous when it comes to trying new things that require an effort and are not guaranteed successes.
I love maggenpye’s emphasis on effort as opposed to outcome. I wish we’d been focused more explicitly on that concept when our son was younger. We instinctively tried to instil it, of course, but it would have helped if we had articulated the idea as well as maggenpye has.
The one bright spot is that with intellectual capacity comes (eventually) insight. At nine our son can begin to look objectively at his own feelings and motivations. He agrees that failing makes him uneasy because he is supposed to be smart and that he shies away from new or difficult tasks for that reason. With constant parental encouragement and a reminder that failure is not only okay but necessary (“if you never fail, you are not trying enough interesting new activities”), we can get him to try harder in tough areas like spelling and handwriting.
But it’s a battle and has a lot to do with inborn temperament. Maybe you’ll get lucky, Quarz, and someday your child will be more easygoing about failure.
Hm, this explains a certain amount. I had the same thing going on, and while I’m not really afraid to try new things and I’m reasonably successful, I tend to drop non-essential things I don’t immediately do well at.
You flatter me, but I’ll take it!
Isn’t there a superstition phase that children go through? When they really believe stepping on a crack will break your mother’s back?
When I was around ten or eleven, I started making myself neurotic by making strange bets with myself. Like, if I didn’t guess exactly how much change I was supposed to get back at the candy store, that meant my parents didn’t love me or we were going to have asparagus for dinner or I was going to fail my spelling test. Making the high score on the Galaga arcade game would make everything alright and I could stop worrying about whatever it was that was worrying me.
There was also an article on this topic fairly recently in New York Magazine.
Ooh! That’s just what I’ve been seeking.
Unfortunately, I’ve never completely grown out of that phase. I am VERY competitive but I will refuse to take part in anything that I’m not at least 90% sure I’ll win. The main reason is I HATE to lose, I absolutely hate it. But…I hate to admit this…I am a very very poor loser. I will visibly be upset, sometimes lose my temper and refuse to ‘play’ anymore. And god forbid I lose something I was SURE I was going to win. I have embarrassed myself many times because of my actions after a loss. I’m nearly 30 and I still can’t get over it. Yay for maturity!
Thanks very much for your other kind words.
The bit quoted here is very true, mine is s l o w l y learning to allow herself to fail and to take a break and try again etc. I am going to steal the quote about lack of failure meaning lack of opportunity. Thanks.
I have a fine line to tread with her as she is gifted, which translates to ‘weird’ in her peer group. If she doesn’t get praise for her intellect, it severely impacts her self-esteem, if she gets too much, it impacts her sense of adventure.
Obligate Carnivore, you are not alone. I was the designated loser in a family of people like you. I’m going to go cry at the memories again.
Delphica, thanks for the article.
My niece had a friend who was basically told by her mother that winning was everything. It didn’t matter if you had to cheat, as long as you won. That’s not what a 6 year old needs to learn.
StG