So, about every third day I get a phone call from a gentleman with a south Asian accent claiming to be from a computer company. He informs me that, shock horror, they’ve received a number of complaints about malware and need to check my computer to see if it’s been breached!
The usual format being they run event viewer and con people into thinking that the myriad errors are in fact serious problems only they can resolve - by letting them gain access to your computer and/or giving your credit card details for some software that will ‘fix’ the problem.
Last time they called I wasted their time by intricately describing 5 fictional computers I had and asking which ones the malware was on, then telling them I wasn’t good with computers and was going to get my wife who was better with them, then just leaving the phone. When I came back 10 minutes later they’d sadly hung up.
Anyway, what are the best ways to waste the time of these jackholes with minimum effort and maximum amusement on my part?
Then plug in your 300 baud modem and ask him to connect. But you have to put the phone in the acoustic coupler, so it will be hard to talk at the same time. Next, make some clicking, hissing and warbling noises until he hangs up.
Wasting scammers’ and spammers’ time, often called scam-baiting, is often the only real recourse you have against them as they’re operating overseas and are a super-low priority given their non-violent nature.
I have accounts on 419 Eater and Scambaiting at its finest.
I collect fake cashier’s checks from people who hit me up through my Craig’s List ad for guitar and bass lessons and I just had a company come to my home, expecting to install a home-security system, because telling them to take me off the list never worked. I would tell them I was a renter and not able to contract for services of that nature and they’d still keep calling, using illegal “robo-calls” and caller-ID-spoofing. Getting the install tech. to my house was the only way to get the contact info on their “boiler room”.
That’s a good one. I’ll try that on the next robo-call I get, maybe from a Romney supporter.
Better yet, maybe I’ll make a recorded message starting with that phrase and have it ready to play back when needed.
Hmm…I see a market here. A small gadget with several outgoing messages of this type that can be left by the phone for “routine emergencies.” You get a sales call, just press a button and the caller gets the next message in rotation, plus a maniacal laugh and a hangup.
I can envision a Peter Lorre clone message, a Nixon clone message, and …the mind boggles.
I’ve been known to say “Oh, we were JUST saying we need _____. But my wife controls the finances here, I’ll get her”.
And… I put the phone on the counter.
Then I go about my housework, occasionally yelling “Honnnney…!” I’ve even gone outside and shouted in the window: “You’ll really want to talk to this guy!” and “Better hurry, before he hangs up!” After a few more tasks, I’ll pass the phone and yell “I think she’s in the shower. She’ll be right with you!” (But I don’t pick up the phone… don’t want to hear any whining from Mr. Telemarketer).
I’ve tried to go for a long time, but even five minutes feels like hours… after ten, I’d start to feel bad even for pond scum. So I give in, pick up phone, say “I got in the shower with her and we discussed it. SHe’s not interested. Sorry!”
I agree with digs. Best thing you can do is sound very sincere but keep making up excuses to put them on hold. That will was their time and keep them from scamming others.
“Actually, I work for Microsoft Australia. Tell me what the problem is.”
“Guess what I’ve got in my hand?” (good follow-up to “What are you wearing?”)
“How is the weather in Pakistan today?” (this really annoyed a guy who called us from India.)
“Are you from from XYZ Internet??” when they invariably say “Yes” either respond with. “Well, we’re not with them.” and hang up or “I just made that company up.” and hang up.
If I’m feeling bored I will act all concerned and go along, sitting at my PC and doing the occasional random bit of typing, pretending to follow their instructions and downloading their exe. When they ask me to run it I usually reply "Yep, doing that…message just came up saying “You are a dumb bastard for believing this shit.” and hang up.
Ah, the Department Of Fixing Computers - that’s where one that called me claimed to be from; “what company are you calling from?” / “The Department Of Fixing Computers” / “Yes, but what COMPANY do you work for?” / “I am working for the Department Of Fixing Computers”…
Download Puppy Linux and set it up on an old USB memory stick, then when they call, boot your computer using Puppy and let them try to talk you through their malware install script - which will be targeted at Windows PCs - see how long it takes them to figure out why there’s no ‘start’ button, no ‘control panel’, etc.
Check out 419 eater for ideas, like Questioning Zion said. It’s a scam baiting community, they try to scam back the scammers. The things these guys get the scammers to do are phenomenal, you should really try reading some of them.
One guy got the Nigerian scammers to carve him statues out of wood and had them shipped to his house, constantly promising cash. Somehow they usually manage to get the scammers to send them money.
I would take a look at the website for some ideas. When they call say: “Actually, I am an investor and I have been looking for a small IT company to invest in.” Then come up with some elaborate hoops they need to jump through before you will invest, like join your nutty, made-up religion and send pictures to prove it. Happy baiting!
My (atheist) Dad told one of then that God must hate him and he’s probably going to Hell. Did that ever wind him up! The guy went ballistic.
I just pretend to be a bit thick (it’s not much of a stretch). I deny having a start menu and tell them my brother uninstalled it because it was a virus. I make them repeat every instruction over and over. When they tell me what I should be seeing on my screen, I slowly tell them that’s not what I’m seeing at all. Periodically I put the phone down to go sort out the kids. That’s a good time to tell them little Timmy pulled the plug on the PC and I have to turn it back on and start over. Eventually I get bored and I tell them they are horrible people who ought to be ashamed of themselves and I hang up.
I’ve mused about acting excited to hear from them and demanding IP address details and so forth because “…the computer was stolen in a burglary last week and if you can see it online now, we might be able to get it back! What’s the thief doing on it? What’s he accessing? Do you have access to information that will lead us to them? I need you to speak to the local cop because he’s going to want you to help him track this machine down”. Haven’t done it, just thought about it.
