Help me with some SteamPunk blurb

At the end of this month, I am taking part in a Victorian theme weekend/fair/fun day - I shall be playing the part of a fictional inventor named Oswald P White and inviting patrons to have their portrait captured and printed in timely fashion utilising my famous machine - the Patent Reliable Photo-Automato-Graph.

(there never was such a man or machine, of course; the bellows camera on its faux rosewood and walnut tripod, contains a webcam, the Photo-Automato-Graph machine contains an inkjet printer)

I shall be pre-printing the reverse side of the photo stationery with some blurb (including the two images above), but I could do with a little creative help.

I’m trying to create a fantastical and falsely technical description of the inner working principles of the machine; something along the lines of "Utilising the scientific principles of reciprocal motion, agitated reaction and the recently-discovered properties of…

"… the Phoito-Automato-Graph is able to unburden the photographer of the tiresome effort of photographic development… etc.

Any suggestions will be most warmly welcomed.

"The Wonder of this Modern Age, the Photo-Automato-Graph applies the latest scientific advances in Galvanism and Chemistry to the ancient pursuit of Art. Never before has so great a boon to the art of portraiture been beheld by the eyes of Man. The Photo-Automato-Graph captures the image before it in delicate cells not unlike tiny Leyden jars. The resulting Galvanic Energy is applied to a sophisticated process that alters the optical properties of ordinary paper, causing it to reflect light in such precise mimicry of the original image that one would swear one looked upon the scene through a window.

The chained lightning of the Photo-Automato-Graph makes possible the Near-Instantaneous production of faithful images, freeing the artist from the long drudgery and gloom of the Dark Room."

How’s that for a starting point?

Very good, thanks

Run it through the autohink and see what comes up.

You know, as a bona-fide gen-u-ine steampunk, I get to tired of people trying to label me a friggin goth.

That is all, carry on.

The thing is, Jin, you really need to get yourself a gigantic walking robot spider. Then, when people call you a Goth, you can just swash them. Carry on.

Of course, “swash” is the little-known Victorian alternate spelling for “squash.” It was used by Tennyson to great effect in his pseudo-Arthurian epic “The Swashing of Arthur.” cough

“Swash” is a perfectly good word. You do it to bucklers, you know. Being swashed by a giant mechanical spider would change my attitude no end.

(Can’t think of any way to improve on Balance’s suggestion.)


Astounding as it sounds, the Photo-Automato-Graph uses no liquids of any type to capture your likeness, save a few drops of oil. Incorporating finely balanced and ingeniously designed lens, this device uses actual beams of light as its medium and special photstatic memory modules as its canvas. Then, a series of intricate wires and scalar axes composes your image onto specially formulated paper using powdered ink. Miraculously, you only need to sit still for several minutes instead of for a whole week while your likeness is being captured!

Not only that, the truly amazing Photo-Automato-Graph can be moved from place to place with minimal effort! It weighs as little as a suitcase packed for a week-end holiday, and even has wheels for a short jaunt to the studio. Truly an amazing invention to herald the new century!

<zaps thread>It is alive! Alive!</zap>

So, Mangetout, how did the Victorian fair go?

Guess I didn’t zap it hard enough. I’ll give it another bump, then give up.

It was fantastic! - attendance was around 600 people (which was great, given that it was purely a local event.

The whole thing was a roaring success, but coming down to earth afterward was a little bit bumpy as I hadn’t quite noticed exactly how much I was doing - among other things, I did a three 3-hour DJ slots (on the radio station that we set up to promote the event), I played the part of Fagin in a cut-down version of Oliver (presented as the entertainment for the Victorian harvest supper), I made a bunch of signs for many of the stalls and attractions, painted this, plus the whole Oswald P White thing and some more stuff.


People are already asking about the next event.

I’m glad to hear that it went well. I know what you mean about production–I helped produce a game for about 80 people last weekend, and I was ready to drop at the end. You don’t realize how much work you’re doing until it’s over.