Congratulations! You’ll soon be visiting Nation, an exciting country of Teeming Millions! More tourists visit each year, visit Capital City and Picturesque Resort, where they engage in Leisurely Activity and enjoy Typical Foodstuffs In Sauce and Weird Herby-Licorice Liquor. Most younger people speak English, though this guide includes Common Phrases in Nationalese.
Visitors often flock to Capital City to see the famous Religious Building, take an evening stroll along Water Feature, and enjoy a delicious meal of Foodstuffs In Sauce. The National Museum and Very Famous Art Gallery might be worth a visit. In the rest of Nation, people make fun of the Capitalanos and say they are pretentious and unfriendly.
Second City is home to many businesses and much of government. Seconders are direct, love material objects, and think the rest of Nation lazy and unsophisticated. It is a good place to buy Local Fashion and get a good deal on National Thing Made Of Stone or Weird Herby-Licorice Liquor To Take Home. Many foreign students learn Nationalese at Big University.
No one much visits Third City, the provincial capital, which is a Shame. It is traditional, full of rustic charm, off the beaten path and captures the feisty spirit of Nation. Visit the Historic District, enjoy cheap and authentic Foodstuffs In Slightly Different Spicy Sauce (a source of great rivalry between cities, along with Beloved Sport Team), watch the Local Dance In Shiny Costume, and enjoy some tranquility as most tourists rarely visit Third City except during the Festival of Dressing Up And Drinking Heavily, or when passing through the airport on the way to Betterplace. Famous Artist once lived there, and you can visit her house.
When in Third City, be sure to try Local Awful Drink, which everyone says is the worst liquor ever made, but is actually just mediocre. But drinking it is essential to being accepted as an honorary Third Citizen.
Gourmets praise the meals served at Someplace, located in Capital City. Local delicacies are its specialty—most guests especially enjoy the Roast Thing, especially with one of Nation’s fine wines. Make sure that you leave room for the Cart-O-Sweets to finish.
Take note that last year, Someplace actually earned one Tire Company star. Well worth a visit; reservations are recommended.
“Weird Herby-Licorice Liquor” made me laugh. There’s always one, no matter where you go.
This guide needs a paragraph on the weather, because these guides frequently note the weather.
Summer days in Capital City are frequently warm and sunny, though there are exceptions where they aren’t. By contrast, during Spring and Autumn, days are more commonly cooler and rainy, though there are exceptions where they aren’t. If you visit Third City during the Winter, you will see some locals wearing their Slightly Unusual Warm Hat, and you’ll have an opportunity to impulsively purchase a Very Cheap Tourist Version of the Unusual Hat so you can find it in a box three years from now and wonder why you bought it.
Remember to take time to visit the Natural Beauty National Park, where you can often see Local Wildlife in their Natural Habitat. But be sure to follow the advice of National Park Staff to avoid the consequences of improperly interacting with the Local Wildlife.
When describing their way of life, Nationals like to use the untranslatable term “Abstract Noun That Actually Has Several Reasonably Close Equivalents in Your Native Language.”
While in Nation, be sure to attend a performance of National Folk Music, which while not to everyone’s taste, is certainly distinctive. Though some cynics claim it has few historical roots and was invented in 1960 as a tourist attraction.
The history of Nation is very different from many countries, but is not completely understood. The Noble People were indigenous to the area. They founded Great City more than a thousand years ago. Its ruins, along with Smaller Places And Piles of Stones, are still popular tourist attractions. They seem to have practiced Advanced Farming And Water Management, used Technology Of Some Influence Even Today, enjoyed Sedating Drug and obeyed the Caste of Important Learned Priests Who Advised Head Honcho. They made offerings to Big Deity And Other Natural Beings. No one understands how they built Tall Thing. How did they do that? Modern scientists say it would have needed ten billion man-hours!
Around 1450, Europersons first arrived in Nation. They traded for Novel Resource and Sedating Drug. With the help and knowledge of the Noble People and Head Honcho they established Growing Colony. After signing the Lopsided Treaty of Impressive Wordage, they eventually started expanding and establishing great farms. The Noble People fought bravely for their traditional lands, but were sadly defeated at the Battle Of Much Screaming and the Battle of The Blunderbuss. The Noble People, once masters of the land, were relocated to Various Tiny Villages where they continue to live today, speaking Dignified Language, practicing traditional handicrafts and enjoying a natural way of life.
Welcome to Crematoria, the hottest and most humid place in the world! Be sure to pack a dozen bottles of insect repellent because the stuff is in so much demand here that it is $35 a bottle. Frequent applications are necessary because it tends to run right off your body along with rivers of perspiration.
A second necessity is a high quality camera with a telephoto lens because the environment is so unbearable that you will never want to leave the AC protected environment of your hotel, restaurant, bus, van, or private vehicle.
All swimming venues are indoors because of the crocodiles, brain eating amoeba, clouds of mosquitoes, and other natural wildlife that inhabit our local waterways.
Oh, before you even step on the plane and arrive, be sure you have taken all of the 27 injections necessary to avoid the plethora of deadly disease common to this area.
Just twenty years ago, Hip Neighbourhood in Capital City was a festering chancre attracting pickpockets, addicts and spirochetes. But now it is the place to see and be seen, to listen to Very Loud Local Nostalgic Folksongs Played By Several Dudes With Accordion Variant In Matching Shiny Costumes, to eat Foodstuffs In Sauce in one of the dozens of al fresco eateries, and drink Pretentious Microbrew, pricey Weird Herby-Licorice Liquor or cheap Flavourless Shots Of Essentially Pure Methanol That Burns Your Throat Like Knives. After dinner, you can attend a poetry recital, smoke a hookah, talk with Old Men Arguing At Café, enjoy Fatty Pastry, go to One Of The Seven Different Types Of Stores or watch artists make Things Made Of Stone, Things Made of Mud, Things Made of Wood, and Shiny Costumes.
Downtown Capitalia is renowned for its one-of-a-kind mass transit system, with thirty-six different train routes running 23 1/2 hours a day. (Don’t get caught on Crooked 19th Century Mayor’s St between 4:45 AM and 5:15 AM!) The Central Station, with its renowned sculptures of disgraced public officials dating back to the 1780s, is famous for being the spot where infamous serial killer George Washington Billings lured 73 teenage boys to their deaths between 1963 and 1964 before he was caught and publicly hanged from the statue of St. Reince in front of City Hall, and has since been a favored hangout of buskers, teenage prostitutes, and 3-card monte dealers alike.
No visit would be complete without a stop at Gary’s Diner-ette, which serves the local specialty of mashed sardines with rhubarb sauce in a hoagie roll topped with sauteed leeks. Referred to by locals as a “Macedonian hot dog” (a misnomer, since the dish was in factnotinvented by local legend Biff Macedonian as popular legend has it), the addition of gopher fries, burdock slaw, and a tall glass of nutria milk make the popular snack into a meal in its own right.
Big Airport, serving Capital City, is a busy place. Allow six hours for international flights, which depart from Terminal S. Nation is known for its love of bureaucracy in general, and this talent is taken to its limits by the airport staff.
On departure, you will need to get any tax-free purchases verified and stamped at the Counter Of Enormous Lines before joining the Larger Queue For Boarding Passes. Since the scale at the Weighing Of The Baggage is Permanently Broken, you will need to jettison your socks, Souvenir Heavy Statuette and Thing Made of Stone - or pay Convenient Additional Fee. Baggage may be subject to Invasive Search and Claiming Of The Valuables. After checking baggage, clear security. Be sure to have your ID cards, stamped visa, emollient funds and know your blood type and the address of the cafés and restrooms you visited during your trip.
After clearing customs, you can enjoy a Stale Foodstuff and Lukewarm Coffee attractively priced at Three Times The Going Rate while waiting for your plane. The airport has improved, with the departure delay rate dropping to an impressive 62%.