This is a story of a party in a D&D game. The players in said game are quite intelligent people, but the bulk of their characters, while intending well, are stupid, greedy, amoral, and extremely terrible people in general. This has led to quite possibly the single most villainous game I’ve ever played in: there are no formal alignments a la D&D in the system we’re using (Arcana Evolved, for the curious), which has allowed the party to pursue a nominally good path while blundering through a series of increasingly destructive and disturbing episodes.
So good fun, in other words.
Last night, before the game started, I made the mistake of offhandedly praising my character’s versatility within earshot of the DM. Presumably as a response to this comment, he ended last night’s session with a surprise and arranged for my character get arrested along with another PC. We were both searched, all of our gear was confiscated, we were separated, and both thrown into empty cells in separate parts of the building.
Both of the PCs were interrogated separately, and since “I’m not saying anything until my lawyer arrives” is extremely boring, we both naturally tried to finger the other, and gave the cops more than enough evidence to hold both of us. Embarrassingly enough, our party has actually been responsible for a truly astounding number of atrocities that the authorities are going to be able to connect to us in very short order.
At present, they believe that my companion is a member of a cult of Outsider-worshipers, because they found in his possession a letter, written in the Infernal language, detailing a horrible ritual and ordering its bearer to assist the cult in gathering children to use as sacrifices in some unspeakably horrible ritual. (He stripped the letter from the corpse of a real cult member, and had been carrying it because he wanted me to translate it for him.)
I managed to convince the cops that I was just some unwitting scholar who was sent by his school to gain wordly experience by following a band of do-gooders and documenting their adventures. However, just before our session ended my companion, whose player play him like a complete idiot, accidentally told the cops “I was carrying the letter to show to my friend! He’s so great, he knows everything… whenever we need to know what ceremony to perform, or what kind of ritual dagger to use, or what an ancient demonic grimoire says, he tells us!”
So now they’re coming to talk to me again. I’m currently sitting happily in my padded cell (part of the reason they haven’t been bothering me is because I convinced them that I was crazy), and I couldn’t be happier.
Except that they’re coming to talk to me again. There is enough suspicious stuff in my backpack alone to ensure that they’ll never release me once they search through my belongings, and the rest of our party doesn’t know where we are, so it looks as if I’ll have to break out of jail on my own. To that end, I’m wondering if anyone has any amusing or particularly creative stories or suggestions about how I should go about breaking myself out.
I’m currently in a 4x11 padded cell with no windows and no bathroom, and the only exit is the single door I was tossed in from. The door appears to be made from two thick wooden panels with a metal sheet inside, it has two (currently shut) slots at human and halfing eye-level, and the entire cell glows brightly when I use detect magic.
Combat is out, as my character is weak enough to make a single hit in melee potentially lethal, so it seems as if a combination of trickery and really, really fast running would be in order here.
My character is a Loresong Faen, which is essentially a small, particularly fast version of a halfing, and he has three spell-like abilities, each of which are usable once a day: detect magic, ghost sound, and lesser glowglobe.
He’s an Akashic, which means that he’s basically useless in combat, but he effectively has an average level of every skill and Knowledge available in the game.
And I suppose that’s about it. My best idea thus far has been to use Ghost Sound or “Oh geez, my stomach hurts” to lure a guard into opening the door, at which point I would try to dash between his legs, but I’m almost certain it wouldn’t work.