Heres the story. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We were both sexually abused as children. He knows pretty much all that happened to me. I always knew it was his older brother who abused him but he’d never really said just what was done to him. Until today.
He has been complaining about what he thinks is a hemoroid and I suggested to him that he let me have a look at it to see what it was. Anyway he refused to let me see his bum. This has always been kind of a joke between us that he won’t let me see his bum. Well I should clarify. He walks around starkers so I am well aquainted with his bum. I mean he won’t let me see his bum hole.
So today I was teasing him and saying “oh for crying out loud, let me see your bum! I can tell you if you have a hemoroid or not.” And he’d say “no no, you arent looking at my bum!”
Anyway this went back and forth for a bit and then he said “the reason I dont want to show you my bum has to do with what my brother did to me”.
I felt my stomach turn when he said that. I just said “ok” and didnt pry. Would you, if someone said that to you, assume that he means that his brother sodomized him? I can’t think of what else he could mean. He was 12 and his brother was 17 when whatever happened, happened.
I’ve always wanted him to go to some counceling for this and now that I have a clearer idea of what happened to him I really think he should go.
My question for anybody out there who has a spouse who had this happen, or has happened to them personaly, please, what should i say to him? I just feel sick knowing that this has happened to him. He has some serious sexual hangups and he and I both know it stems from his abuse. Any advice would really mean a lot to me. For those of you who are religious, if you feel like it, you could remember him in your prayers.
Thank you, thank you ivylass. Its very overwhelming. Its so much easier to deal with what happened to me. But when someone does something to him, I tend to lose it. I think you’re right. I have to get him into therapy. I’m in it right now dealing with what happened to me. Now I just have to figure out how to say it to him.
Have him go to therapy with you to be your support. Then he can see how therapy works without being the subject for a session or two or whatever. Maybe then he can decide he wants to go himself.
While I agree with everyone’s assessment that he obviously needs help dealing with this I also know that no one can force him to go to therapy or to deal with his past. That’s a decision he really needs to come to on his own. And yes I know how frustrating that can be when you are watching someone you love who is in pain.
Let him know you’re there for him and you love him and that no matter what his brother did to him your opinion of him will not change.
Good luck to both of you in getting him past this.
I agree, about the invitation to your therapist. Your therapist can do a couple therapy and it will be fine for that session. Then the therapist should refer him elsewhere for his specific issues.
I’m going to be praying for you both. This is such a horrible thing for you to have to deal with. But at least you have each other, and he at least feels comfortable enough with you that he has been able to confide in you that the abuse happened. I was surprised to learn some time ago that this is NOT common. Many people never even confide in the person they trust the most in their life.
Counselling would be so good for him…and I agree that including him in on YOUR sessions might help him to realize that it would be helpful for him as well.
My poor little husband. I think of how confusing it all must have been for him. Somehow he’s grown up to be the softest, kindest most accepting person I know.
I asked him if it would be ok if i mentioned to my therapist that he has some issues and could he have an appointment as well. He said that would be ok.
Damn fucking people who use little children as their sex toys. I’ve never met his brother and I hope for his sake I never do.
First of all, it’s great that he can actually tell you what happened to him. A great many people will never ever be able to tell their spouses what actually happened to them, leaving them bewildered for years on end as to what is wrong.
Secondly, well done for helping him get some counselling. It is the start of a long interior journey that, sadly, he will have to travel alone. But - you’re on the right track.
As far as the sexual hangups go - you may have to take on board the fact that there are some areas which are just no-go in your marriage. It’s by no means certain that counselling alone will enable him to change on this level.
I wish you all the luck in the world honey. Keep strong.
Arty, hugs for you and your hubby! My hubby has known since before we got married that I was sexually abused as a child. When I finally decided to get some counselling, his response was “Do you want me to come with you?” He’s so supportive, even though his childhood was enviably sane!
Now that your husband has agreed to counselling, I’d like to make a suggestion. Whatever day his counselling is, make that night a “date night”, and the two of you get to somewhere that you can talk without interruptions (this is easier if you don’t have kids, cuz you can just stay home and turn off the ringer on the phone). My hubby and I did this for about the first 6 months of my counselling. That night we’d go out, someplace quiet, and talk about my session. I used him and my therapist as sounding boards, often bouncing something off of one person to the other. While I adore both my husband, and my therapist, this method I think was double effective!
Arty, I’m sorry to hear that both you and your husband were abused. The fact that there are people out there that do such things angers me to no end.
The fact that the two of you have found each other in life, and have each other’s support is wonderful. It’s a blessing that your husband turned out so kindly, and has agreed to go to counciling. My thoughts go out to you both.
Thank you for your thoughts, advice and warm wishes. I am really taking to heart what all of you are saying. Mostly I just want him to know I’m here for him.
Arty,you have my thoughts and prayers. This is such a horrible thing to face, but the fact that he has you and you have him will make it just that much easier. Therapy will help, but letting him do it in his own time will also help. My SO knows that I was sexually molested as a child, I just can’t bring myself to tell the whole story yet - not because I don’t trust him but because it’s so painful. And I have had therapy for it, even though I was 25 before that therapy even started. I know I’ll tell him everything eventually, but I can’t yet. And your husband will tell you eventually - your being there for him is the best thing for him, even if he doesn’t talk about it.
I so wish things could be made easier for the both of you, but in the meantime, I can say without a doubt that you have the best wishes and thoughts of many Dopers.
Arty, I will be praying for your husband, and you too! I was so glad to read through this thread and see that he wants to go to counseling too. Best of luck to you both. One of my prayers nightly is that somewhere, somehow, a child may be spared abuse, just for that one night. Of course I pray that all children may grow up free from this horror, but maybe if we all prayed for just that, it could be ended, forever.
Avabeth, I found it very difficult to tell my story at first. I had kept all those secrets for so long that getting them out the first time was physically painful as well as emotionally draining. Then I discovered that every time I told my story it got a little easier. Now I can even make a few jokes about the 2 decades of hell I lived through. The most important lesson I feel I learned along the way is that telling these secrets takes much of their power away. The shame belongs to the abuser and not the victim. Keep talking - it gets easier!