I’m practicing writing “one paragraph essay” which consists of Examples, Statistics and statements by authorities. These three items are the supports for the passage.
I’ll be grateful if you could comment or correct my writing. And I wonder if there is anyone out there with whom I can be in touch and send my writings and questions every now and then? If there are some people here who have time to respond my emails, let me know.
It should be mentioned that the questions are not school tasks at all. I’m a self learner and this is my interest and hobby. I’m doing it on my own. [ I’m telling this because I’ve noticed that on the net and forums people do not answer these questions reasoning that they are college or school tasks].
Subject: sometimes women are discriminated against in the workplace.
It is really frustrating to see that sometimes women are discriminated against in the workplace. My sister applied for a job as an accountant last month. Though she was far qualified than her rival candidates, they hired a newly male grad with no experience at all, and my sister got a thumps down. Figures show that the chance of getting hired in different job positions for male applicants is 80% higher than female job seekers. Robert Adam, chief executive of unemployment benefit committee says that “A large portion of our out-of-job beneficiaries are women and this shows a bias towards the preference of male employee over the female ones.
Blue color is Narrative Example
Green color is Statistics
Brown color is Statement by an authority
Examples, figures and supports are all imaginative.
It is really frustrating to see that sometimes women are discriminated against in the workplace.
In the next two blue sentences you are about to embark on a personal testimonial. But you lead into it with a very impersonal sentence. It’s jarring. And if this is the first sentence of the essay and not a paragraph embedded in a larger essay I immediately ask myself “It’s frustrating? To whom? To me? To you?” And I don’t like your use of “sometimes.” Wishy-washy. Later you present the STARTLING statistic that 80% of women are discriminated against. Why are you scared to prepare us for your shocking statistics?
And a tip I learned: adverbs actually weaken the force of your statement. “It is frustrating” is more forceful than “it is really frustrating.” “It is frustrating” says there is no question about the frustration, things are either frustrating or not frustrating. It is a definitive, no-nonsense statement. “it is really frustrating” says there is a continuum of frustration and this is kind of more than half way on the scale of not-frustrating to frustrating.
You intend to start with a personal testimony. Give us a personal statement and don’t be ashamed of what you are about to tell us. For example: I have felt frustration witnessing the extent of the discrimination women experience in the workplace.
My sister applied for a job as an accountant last month. Though she was far qualified than her rival candidates, they hired a newly male grad with no experience at all, and my sister got a thumps down.
far qualified → far more qualified.
her rival candidates → either “her rivals” or “the other candidates”
“A newly male grad” would be someone who recently had a sex change operation. Make it “a recently graduated male applicant.”
thumps → thumbs
Figures show that the chance of getting hired in different job positions for male applicants is 80% higher than female job seekers.
You’ve ended your personal testimonial are now going into impersonal facts. Give the reader a smooth transition from your sister’s predicament to the global situation.
“Her situation is not unusual. Figures show that…”
“in different job positions” is not quite right. It sounds like you are that the statistic does not apply to accounting jobs like the one your sister was applying for. Try something like “across a wide range of professions” and move it to the end of the sentence.
For example:
Her situation is not unusual. Figures show that the chance of getting hired is 80% higher for male job seekers than for female job seekers across a wide range of professions.
Robert Adam, chief executive of unemployment benefit committee says that “A large portion of our out-of-job beneficiaries are women and this shows a bias towards the preference of male employee over the female ones.
benefit – > benefits
“Benefit committee” sounds like a group that is planning to stage a charity ball.
portion → proportion
out-of-job → jobless or unemployed. I would prefer unemployed.
Replace “a bias towards the preference of” with either “a bias towards hiring” or “a preference for hiring”
In general a paragraph should start with a topic sentence. It should tell the reader what they are supposed to get of the paragraph. Your first sentence talks about frustration but then you move away from that subjective view to the hard facts. You could move that (and the second sentence) farther down into the paragraph as an illustration once you establish the facts. I would start with a sentence something like this: Decades after women entered the workforce in large numbers, there is still a bias against hiring women into jobs where men compete for the same positions.
Then you go on to prove your point with facts, and then you can adorn it with the personal anecdote.
Not really, I just wanted to bring a narrative part. this is what the lesson in the book says.
It’s not me, this is the exact subject of the lesson in the book. I wrote it at the beginning. [ Subject: sometimes women are … ]
Again, I just followed the lesson. I should bring a statistic sentence.
By the way, this is stage 1 of writing and in the lesson one of this book, they don’t want you to write a full essay. Please take this fact into consideration. This is going to be a one paragraph essay with quick and fast example of Narrative, Statistic and a Statement by an authority phrases.
A
Good point, thanks.
I’m wondering, grad is an abbreviation for a Graduate [ AmE informal ]
Following the lesson exercise , this is going to be a short one actually.
Yes Bravo, this is a Topic Sentence paragraph actually. You know in the exercise section, they asked those three items to begin with 1- Narrative example, 2- A statistics sentence, and 3 - A statement by an authority.
Oh, may be you mean, even starting with Narrative example, I should first introduce the subject and then go for explaining the example, yes?
Alley dweller’s critique was pretty much right on. To simplify - if a word does not add anything critical to your narrative, delete it. My first reading of your piece left me with the impression: passive voice, and too many extraneous words. Your writing needs a lot of tightening up…it’s good but could be better!
This passage fufills the exercise’s requirements as you characterized them in the OP. It’s hard to say much beyond that without knowing the intended audience or level of formality (at least).
I agree you can take out “really”–that is, unless you are intending to adopt a more casual tone. But it is harder to write in a casual tone, as there are so many things you are free to do and so little guidance for how to do them. Probably best to start out trying to write more formally. And if that’s your intention, then do leave out “really.”
“It’s frustrating to see” already communicates you’re talking about your personal feelings, no need to add anything like “to me” or to change it to anything like “I find it frustrating.”
It should say “far more qualified,” not 'far qualified."
“Newly male” doesn’t make sense (at least, not the sense you probably intended!)
Thumbs, not thumps.
“Thumbs down” (and really, the inclusion of the idea that something is in itself frustrating) make this a kind of informal piece–is it supposed to be?
I’d include a transition between the personal bit and the statistical bit. “My sister is not alone” or something to that effect would work. Just do something that explicitly relates the personal part to the more general part.
That’s just a few things. (I think I probably repeated some things others already said.) There are other things to say, but I’ll just leave it at that for now.
I think your first sentence is almost entirely divorced from the remainder of the paragraph. Either exclude it altogether, or make it into a first-person argument that the rest of the paragraph then supports.
In other words, decide whether this paragraph is a analytical description of situation, or how you feel about it. I think you are tending toward the latter, but you more or less splitting the difference, to the detriment of either possible approach.
That’s not what chiroptera said. Read the article linked in the post. Study the example there (it also does not contain any sentences in the passive voice) and you will understand.
I’ll read the article, but without reading it, I can say for sure that chiroptera said the OP’s text has passive voice constructions in it. This may have been a misstatement, but it is the statement that was made.
I’ve read the article. It’s fairly clear to me that the author of that article thinks he’s talking about the same thing linguists are talking about when they say “passive voice,” and the author of course is mistaken about that.
If the author doesn’t mean this then s/he’s done a bad job of making it at all clear just exactly what s/he does mean by “passive writing.” Several examples are listed, but nothing is said about what ties them all together under a single concept. (Nothing does, IMO.)
Sorry, I shouldn’t say “nothing is said” about what ties them all together–rather, a few things are said, and they are all irrelevant to each other at best. They do not mutually build up a single coherent picture of just what “passive writing” is supposed to be.
I’ll be grateful if you could comment or correct my writing
2- Subject: computers save people time.
People can save their time between 60 ~ 70% on calculating their debts, writing and posting letters, shopping and etc., with the aid of computers. Julia Marshall, a 52 matron from indolant is happy with her new Acer laptop keeping records of her debts and calculating her loans and account. She’s sending and receiving almost 30 emails daily which previously she used to do the same three to four ones through snail mails. She says: “I really save my time with the help of this 21st century gadget”. The author of Effective time management, Tom Hanks says “computers can help people to speed up their daily activities and save a notable quota of their time if they use them properly”.
Color code:
Statistics
Narrative Example
Statement by an authority
What’s your score out of 20 to this one-paragraph essay?
Examples, figures and supports are all imaginative.
Frylock, this is one time when I will have to disagree with you. Both chiroptera and the linked article referred to passive versus active writing. The emphasis was on choosing verbs that are are descriptive rather than ordinary and in avoiding verbs that are only forms of the verb to be.
Alley Dweller has a lot of good suggestions. But where she or he says: “I have felt frustration,” I would change that to “I am frustrated…”(and then fill in the sentence as it should be written with that beginning.) That is more direct.
I wish to commend you for having the initive to teach yourself! I would be happy to be a source for you, but my time at the computer is limited. Mostly it is in the middle of the night while my husband is sleeping. You can always try sending me a private mail, but you might have more success here. There are almost always people glad to help as long as it is not homework.
Your response to the assignment was interesting to me.
People can save their time between 60 ~ 70% on calculating their debts, writing and posting letters, shopping and etc., with the aid of computers. Never say “and etc.” “Etc.” is an abbreviation of the two Latin words et cetera. “Et” means “and.” Just put a comma in front of it.
Leave out the comma before “with the aid…” You don’t normally end lists with commas.
A rule of thumb: When giving percentages, try to precede the percentage with “by” or follow it with “of.” For example.
Modern medicine has reduced the death rate by 60%.
Modern medicine has eliminated 60% of the disease in the world.
Don’t say “between 60 ~ 70%.” Don’t use the tilde unless you are writing for a mathematician. Say either “between 60 and 70%” or, more simply, “60 to 70%.”
Don’t say people are “saving their time” unless you are talking about prolonging their lifespan. Talk about saving the time they spend doing these tasks.
We need to rework this sentence to say something like “People can reduce the time they spend calculating, writing, shopping, etc. by 60% to 70% with the aid of computers” or “People can save 60 to 70% of the time time they spend calculating, writing, shopping, etc. with the aid of computers.” As a matter of fact, I would move “with the aid of computers” to the beginning of the sentence, it sounds better and introduces the meat of your argument faster.
Julia Marshall, a 52 matron from indolant is happy with her new Acer laptop keeping records of her debts and calculating her loans and account. I hope Indolant is the name of a city (in which case it should be capitalized) because if you are calling Julia an indolent matron, she will probably come over and beat the life out of you.
In the United States, never call a woman a matron unless either 1) she is a prison guard or 2) she is the oldest living female member of a family. Even then, use the word only if it is absolutely necessary to point one of these things out.
Don’t just say “52.” Say “52 year old.”
Instead of matron try to say something like “world-famous astrophysicist,” “single mother of three,” or “harried homemaker.” If all else fails say “woman.”
There should be a comma after indolant since “Julia Marshall” is the subject and “a 52 matron from indolant” is being used in apposition.
The phrasing “is happy with her new Acer laptop keeping records…” is awkward. We start reading the sentence thinking you’re going to tell us that she is happy with her laptop and then you pull the rug out from under us and tell us that she is happy with the record keeping, not necessarily with the laptop. We’re left wondering whether you really meant that. Confirm or correct our suspicion by saying “is happy with letting her new laptop keep records” or by saying “is happy with her new laptop which is keeping…”
After laptop, you have a lack of parallelism:
keeping records and calculating loans and account.
verb object and verb object and noun.
What’s that noun (“account”) doing there? Is she keeping account? Is she calculating account? Neither one makes sense. Change the first “and” to a comma and give us another verb/object pair.
Unless Julia is a banker, I’m not sure what “calculating loans” means. Calculating the balances on her loans? Calculating the interest on her loans?
She’s sending and receiving almost 30 emails daily which previously she used to do the same three to four ones through snail mails.
You’re switching tenses on us here.
This is the only sentence in the progressive tense (that’s not the right word, I can’t think of the right word at this hour). Keep consistent. Make it “she sends and receives…”
Unless you are implying that currently “she no longer used to do the same…” then drop the word “previously.” I understand what you are trying to do. You are doubling up on the past tense. Just use one past tense unless you are writing an existential treatise.
It has become acceptable to write “emails” to denote a plural. The word “mail” however is still mainly used as a singular or collective, like the word “fish.” And “snail mail” is either a derogatory or facetious term for the postal system, it doesn’t seem appropriate here.
And here is the tough part. I have no idea what “she used to do the same three to four ones through snail mails” is supposed to mean. I am not trying to be mean, I just have no idea what this group of words is supposed to say. I can take about three or four guesses, but I have no way to know. You’ll need to clarify this.
She says: “I really save my time with the help of this 21st century gadget”.
Just a couple of small quibbles here:
You started the last sentence with “she.” Start this one with “Julia” or “Ms Marshall.”
In the United States, people would not say “my time.” Just say “time.”
Replace the colon with a comma.
Sorry, I have to go, will comment on the rest later.
Thank you so much for the corrections and explained points.
Yes, you are right. thanks.
Yes, an imaginary city. Ok with capital. Thanks.
Nope, she wouldn’t, for she’s as kind as Alice in Wonderland.
I see. I read it somewhere and in that context and what I intended here meant " an older married woman.
I meant she’s happy with her new laptop with which she can do those things. Because this is the laptop brings her such facility, so I directed her happiness first towards the laptop, and then supporting the reason by referring to an action done with the help of it.
Having explained this, now your comment still stand the same?
Thanks for your time and care.
Yes you are right. Maybe no better verb came to my mind at the time of writing. I simply meant to deal with her loans and accounts, keep recording and considering how much is left , how much is the interest and any action requires processing and calculation to know the status of her loans, budget, debts, and suchlike.
I meant that, in the past she used to send a limited number of mails because it would take time to do it, but now she has the facility to send and receive lots of emails, and that’s why she can save time.
So, I should say, land mail, or ordinary post system? By the way what about telephone, we have mobile and land phone, right?
I clarified earlier.
[QUOTE]
… with the help of this 21st century gadget”.[/COLOR]
21st century gadget is referring to the laptop.
Thank you so much, and please sum up the areas I need to work on.
Thanks a lot for all the replies. I learned and I enjoyed.
About the passive voice / sentences, I should tell that here at this stage, the given exercise wants the learner observes the required elements [Statistics, authority statement, narrative example ]. My question mostly meant to ask your help if this topic sentence essay meets the mentioned criteria or no or how much. But, to hear your recommended points is a privilege for me to learn more, and I’m indeed grateful to all of you one by one.
Reza is a male name meaning “content” [the adjective meaning of this word].
