Today was the day that we (myself and my fellow English 124 students, that is) brought in drafts of our first essay of the semester for peer evaluation. It’s pretty far beneath my level, and I only really have to take the class because of a technicality about how my English credits transferred from other schools. But I’ve decided to make the most of it, and strive to turn in the finest writing I can muster.
To that end, I wasn’t bothered by most of the (little) criticism my paper received. Most of it was off-target anyway, like the helpful reminder to underline my title and put a period at the end of it (no need, according to Purdue University’s acclaimed Online Writing Lab). Other marks pointed out a pair of run-on sentences, which indeed have been my bane for a long time.
One mark somewhat baffled me, though.
Bolding added here for emphasis. My reviewer emphasized that segment with brackets on each side, then drew an arrow pointing to a single word:
Granted, I don’t have a cite for it, but it’s absolutely true in my experience. (I’m working on finding a reputable cite, and I’ll remove it if I can’t, but hey, this is the first draft.) If “some poor women are addicted to celebrity gossip magazines” is appropriate, then what’s inappropriate or “unnecessary” about “I’ve never seen that industry make more of a killing than in a minimum-wage break room”? I didn’t get a chance to ask my reviewer about it, and I’m curious about the Dope world’s opinion. Do you think he was just trying to cut out fluff from my (admittedly long) paper, or did I cross a line?