O RLY?
It’s hell to live in this old world. What with all the misunderstandings and lack of communication and all.
Which is why it is important, especially in a context that can not easily show your emotional state, expressions or intent, to be as clear as possible. Which is also why many people have taken time out of their lives to try to get it through your head that what you are putting forth is not what you say you intend to put forth. It is amazing to me all the different ways that this has been said to you QG, and yet, overwhelmingly, you don’t seem to grok that.
I recently read somewhere (probably here somewhere) that we judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions or words. You have the inside scoop on your intentions. We don’t. And a fair number of people have tried to explain to you that your intentions are NOT coming through as sent. The logical path to take would be to wonder why that was, examine what you are doing and see if their might be a better way to get your actual meanings across in a way that is more generally perceived to be the way you want it to be.
My daughter is 19 months old and isn’t talking much yet, but she is able to adequately express to me when she is tired, thirsty, wants to go outside, wants to play in her pool, wants to watch a movie or wants to play. She has figured out ways to do this without speaking. Trial and error. Seeing what works and what doesn’t. It is called learning.
Is it beyond the realm of comprehension that maybe, just maybe, you might possibly be doing something to come across in a way that is NOT your intent and maybe, just maybe, there is something you could do to improve it?
Being misunderstood and wrongly thought of is never pleasant. I had a customer think that I said something about him because he was black, when I found that out, I was devastated. I was also forbidden to speak to him about it, so I wasn’t allowed to change his mind. It was months later, I was able to say something to him for him to realize that he could not have been more wrong. To this day, he is still one of my favorite customers. I wished I had the opportunity to right the wrong that he felt much, much sooner. It saddens me to see you having the opportunity to right a wrong, and not taking it for the gift it is. Maybe it is too painful for you to do in this thread, but I hope you do it in others.
snort
But Auntbeast it is our fault that we just don’t “get” her, have you not been reading?
I mean some people do “get” her but they are obviously smarter than the rest of us. And the ones that don’t “get” her are not worth bothering about.
If I piss off 1 person in 10, I don’t sweat it. If I piss off 9 in 10, I pause and think about that. You’ve got a weird definition of ‘small stuff’, I think.
That is completely true. But there are people here who never piss anyone off, people here who piss people off occasionally, and people here who piss people off consistently. Some people seem to want to be in that latter group, for whatever reason. I don’t really understand why, but I think they get a charge out of it. Maybe you are one of those folks. If not, I don’t know why you wouldn’t at least try to modify some behaviors that many others find offensive.
As far as the “um” thing is concerned, I have mentioned before that I find it unnecessarily snotty, and I mentioned that there is a message board (a pretty busy one) where it is specifically not allowed. I bring this up only to make the point that it’s not like there are 5 people in the world who think it reads snotty.
I think you are missing the point. God knows, there is plenty of diversity of thought and personality on this board. That’s what is fun about it. But there is a such thing as trying to figure out what is an appropriate way to act in a given social situation (which this is, sad as that may seem 
), and trying to act accordingly. None of us acts exactly the same way or uses exactly the same language no matter where we are and who we are with. We modify appropriately, in an attempt to get along in society. It’s not a hard concept, really.
Again, you are missing the point. The point is that if people are misunderstanding you over and over again, there might be some reason for it that could be easily amended. For example, “um” is just two letters. If people constantly misinterpret your intended tone because of your usage of it, it would be easy enough for you to stop. That’s all. If you don’t want to, fine, but you risk it continuing to be misinterpreted.
I doubt that WhyNot thinks she’s been steamrolled. You describe her as “spunky,” so she must not be too beaten down. She is smart enough to realize that broadening horizons isn’t about insisting on using “um” on a message board. It’s about the exchange of ideas. I would posit that WhyNot has done more for broadening horizions & attitudes than most of the people on this board. Certainly more than you have, I’m sorry to say. Why? Because presenting concepts that might be a little foreign to some people is best done with reason and good humor, and not with condescending snips.
The fact is, people get annoyed and let off steam here, because there are so many places in real life that we can’t do so. You think it’s healthy to just let stuff go…some people think that it’s healthy to express annoyance or anger, rather than bottling it up inside. You think we should all broaden our horizons by accepting people the way they are…maybe you should try it sometime.
True enough, but most of us are able to get by without offending enough people to generate a ten page long pit thread in two days. That’s… unusually controversial, to say the least.
Jeepers. That coolly amused detachment didn’t last long. :dubious:
I didn’t know The Ryan had a sister.
Good one! I’d completely forgotten about him.
Oh, really? Would you show me where it says that?
Lib, old nemesis and newfound friend, would you agree that “courage” on its own can – and often is – not just mindless but utterly unnecessary depending on the circumstances it is used in? Just because someone stood-up to your defense in said referenced thread doesn’t mean that you have to return the “favor” against all the logic piled against your doing so.
And you, of all people, are pretty well versed on the latter.
Point being, I see you owe her no debt of gratitude for having the courage to ‘defend’ you for all the wrong reasons anyway. I honestly don’t think what you did vis-a-vis PPR was worthy of your so-called “new standards.” Quite the contrary actually, buying-off someone that might have better arguments than yourself but is, presumedly, in a less bountiful financial situation than yours, is simply (and you’ll have to excuse me, for I know not how else to say it) the cowards’ wallet way out.
FWIW, I am not exactly financially strapped, but I’d never even try to buy someone off the boards. And that includes the insufferable prig, QG, subject of this OP.
My twopence, pal.
That’s an awfully absolutist statement. Have you, in fact, EVER been taken to task for using the phrase “Hold on a moment here” instead of “Um”?
Thanks! Nope, I don’t feel steamrolled. I do feel a little “just don’t go there” about a few topics. I don’t offer a lot of herbal advice here, and the herbal advice I offer is extremely tepid and non-controversial stuff. On other boards, I do recommend exotic herbal therapies for more hard core medical conditions. Not here. I’ve wetted my toes in the vaccination debate, but I’ve not come out swinging (mostly 'cause y’all - as well as more current research - have tempered my formerly anti- stance into a cautious stance). Flower essences and homeopathy - whoo-boy! Just best not to go there in these parts.
So, yeah, I do temper my posts to the audience here. I’m not here to change Doperdom - I like Doperdom. I’m proud, however, that I’ve managed to broaden some horizons **Quiddity **doesn’t probably realize I’ve broadened 'cause she’s newish. The attitudes towards polyamory, open marriage and neopaganism have DRASTICALLY swung to the more understanding and accepting since I’ve been posting, and yes, I’m proud to have been a part of that, along with some other fine Dopers. I can’t tell you what warm fuzzies I got when one of the first posts in the recent **MizzGrand **trainwreck said something like, “Look, if you want an open marriage, great, but this ain’t it!” and it WASN’T from a poly Doper! Woot! Those are some of the areas I’ve made my personal “fight ignorance” goals on. And the only reason I’ve managed to do that is because I’ve kept my communication as friendly as possible while offering challenging ideas.
In short (too late), I’ve chosen to fight battles over tolerance and acceptance of alternate world views that increase love (or at least understanding) between actual people, not the use of the word “Um” to start a post.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they weave the rope with which the arrogant and insufferrable climb out of the holes they’ve dug for themselves.
(Or, um, hang themselves…whichever).
I had been meaning to mention this, but courage isn’t always free of a whoppin’ chunk of stupidity behind the actions.
Auto: YA RLY. (Psst: Image #3 is relevant to your interests.) 
I think that explains a HELL of a lot-no wonder she was so nasty, if she was that deeply closeted.
(And I, for one, would LOVE to hear Joe Cool’s reaction to this! Talk about karma!)
Come on now. You must see that there is a huge difference between “herd mentality” or “clones” and “trying to be on the same page in an attempt to foster more effective communication”.
I quit Mensa after a couple of months because every gathering sounded just like reading any one of your posts in this thread. The horror, they were just so smart and clever that poor, ordinary, regular people just didn’t understand them. They weren’t thrilled when I pointed out that Stephen Hawking is way smarter than any of them but very few people have trouble “getting” him. People, no matter how smart, aren’t mind readers. They can’t read one thing but just “know” that you really meant something else.
I’m beginning to think that you are being deliberately obtuse about this.
Forget the buscuits. I’ve used my oven for storage for years.
Become a minor Southern writer. It works just as well.
I don’t think that I can make generalizations about the way that women are now. Certainly my generation grew up being taught to be the “proper lady” that you spoke of. Generally that meant being passive. It almost ruined us.
Somewhere along the way we taught ourselves and others to be assertive – to speak up for ourselves, to demand to be treated fairly and to treat others fairly. I see featherlou’s behavior as being assertive. That’s healthy. Negotiations, boycotting, peaceful demonstrations, compromises, “fair fighting,” debating, lawsuits, straight forward conversations are all considered assertive behaviors.
Name-calling and bullying behaviors are considered aggressive behaviors. They are not concerned with anyone but the self. Since people don’t usually respond favorably to a bully, aggressive behaviors don’t usually have desireable outcomes.
A passive-aggressive person is someone who goes from one extreme to the other. Maybe someone you work with may be quiet and smiling and go along with whatever you want for three years and not say anything. Then one day he blows up in your face and starts screaming at you about how you never consider what he wants and you always have to have it done your way and he blames everything on you. Of couse, you’ve never had any input from him all along that he wasn’t pleased as punch. This person goes from all smiles to all fangs and talons.
I used to teach a course in communications and the difference in these styles of communication were one of the most helpful things that I taught. My students seemed to like it too.
Rubystreak, you asked for a cite for the following quote:
That information is very specific and I don’t have my textbooks on syntax at my fingertips. I have seen a least one study on the web in recent times and that is what I am drawing my examples from.
Here is a reference to gender specific patterns from a fairly recent book:
Tony Bex, STANDARD ENGLISH – THE WIDENING DEBATE, 1999, p. 97. This book is available at Amazon.com.
featherlou, in looking for a good cite for Rubystreak, I did find other sites that are perfectly willing to base their judgment of male and female writing on how aggressive the writer is. I wonder if I do that sub-consciously. I know better. (sigh)
In all fairness, it is her Pitting. I would say that the guest of honour of a Pitting gets to make it all about them from beginning to end if they want to.