Here's An Idea...Why Don't You Go Fuck Yourself?

The BBQ Pit
1

Dedicated to my boss "Jimbo"
You’ve been back from vacation two whole days and so far, have irritated me to the point of wanting to pull out my hair strand by strand with the first five minutes of your return.

Monday

The busiest day of the week. You surround me with new hires,whose cries for help are like the cheeping noises of baby birds. Do you give me time of the phone to help them? No, that would make sense. Silly me. Then you disappear for the hour you’re supposed to take supervisor calls and guess who gets to cover? Me. So I’ve got customers telling me to perform sexual acts with their credit cards and new hires asking me AT THE SAME TIME how to reboot.

And you wonder why I can’t quit smoking?
Tuesday

You give me a project of 500 accounts to analyze for fraud trends. Then you tell me that, effective next pay period, I can’t come in early to work on projects. I’ve been coming in an hour and a half early to have time off the phone to complete the multitude of projects you have given me. Many, I may add, were given to you by your boss for YOU to do. So I’m supposed to work on these and take my usual 100+ calls a day?

Jimbo

First, who the fuck calls themselves Jimbo? What are you, a circus monkey? Nah, circus monkey’s are cute and entertaining. You’re neither.

Second, DO YOUR OWN WORK!! My desk is not where your projects should end up.If I have to do 50% of your work, I’m claiming 50% of your office and salary. And since I know what a bad case of OCD you have, I’ll let my mess intrude on your side of the office.

Third,if you don’t like my cube decor,don’t look at it. Management does not have a problem with it. I asked. For you to be offended by an action figure with no shirt on…he’s not real. He won’t chase you around the department with his nipples heaving.

Fourth,lately every time I see your face,hear your voice and see an email with your name on it, I’m compelled to take a steel folding chair,throw it at you and when you catch it,dropkick it into your face. In fact, I’d sell tickets. I know 80% of the team would pay to see you get the Van Daminator and the other 20% would pay me later.

In closing…

I’d call you an asshole,but assholes serve a purpose. I’d call you a goat felching buttweasel but why insult goats,weasels and felchers? To quote a bumper sticker I saw…

Jesus may love you, but I think you’re garbage wrapped in skin.
[sub]BTW, I am looking for a new job[/sub]

2

Perhaps that’s exactly why he’s offended. How dare there be nipples on display without heaving. Or, given the nature of many action figures, torsos on display without any nipples at all, heaving or otherwise.

3

Never try to do more than you can do. Work at your regular pace. If things back up, it your bosses fault.

Just for giggles, call his boss for clarification on just how he wants this work to be done so that you can do a better job. It’s a backhanded but acceptable way of letting him know that his underling is passing off his responsibilities.

4

(AP)- WCMB poster hardygrrl was arrested today for killing her boss, Jimbo Slapowitz, after smashing a steel chair over his head, then dropping a cubicle on his neck.

Police are currently investigating her cubicle, combing through several magazines and action figures bearing the likenesses of World Wrestling Federation wrestlers Matt and Jeff Hardy.

Investigators suspect she learned her moves from watching too much wrestling. This is the latest in a series of murders where the accused allegedly were mimicking the maneuvers of their favorite TV wrestlers.

Developing . . . .

5

A gen-yoo-ine Cranky snort moment. Great line. I give the rant a 9.8

The only thing that keeps it from being a perfect ten is that you didn’t manage to sneak in a Cranky tribute or compliment. :slight_smile:

6

Guffaw!!

Yeah, I like spooje’s idea.

7

That was an awesome rant on so many levels. I have to rate it a 9.9- a nice mix of violence, eloquence, and vitrol.

Zette

8

The scary part is…
It’s all true.
He calls himself Jimbo and refers to us cursed people who report to him as “Team Jimbo”. It’s amazing I can keep food down after hearing that.
Vinnie Virginslayer

Yes, I have Jeff and Matt action figures. I also have Stone Cold,Jericho and Triple H. Trip’s the shirtless one. Now if I can just find a Spike Dudley and a Rob Van Dam…
And if I ever hear him say “shoot me an email” as a response to any question…
Let’s just say he’s lucky there are no steel folding chairs in the office. The chairs we have are too heavy to lift and throw. Don’t ask me how I know this.

9

9.9. You rule. “shit wrapped in skin” would have gotten you a ten, but it’s the only teensy weensy difficulty I have in an otherwise remarkable and very tasty rant. If I grow up I wanna be just like you.

b.

10

The following definiately made this a top-shelf rant for me.

I’m trying to think of anyone in my life deversing to be called worse than a goat felching buttweasel. Can’t come up with anyone. Guess things aren’t as bad as I thought.

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Here is a link to a plethora of information on wrestling action figures I am sure you can find anything you want or need from there.

Enjoy.
Britt

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Britt

Thank you :slight_smile:
spooje

Today I casually asked the office secretary how my presentataion would look better(knowing she’d run to the big boss and tell her what I was doing).

Five minutes later, the big boss is at my cube. I told her that Jimbo had given me the project to do. Whne she saw what it was,the look on her face… :slight_smile:

She pulled me in her office and asked me just how many projects I had done for Jimbo. I showed her all the files I had saved just for this moment.

I turned the graphs in to Jimbo and tomorrow he’s going to be questioned about them. In detail.
I’m underhanded but damn it feels good.

13

Beautiful.

This post reads like a short story. Angry rant, people chime in, one offers advice, advice taken, advice works.

14

Do you think that if he had the ability to fuck himself, he would ever leave the house?

15

::sniff::
I’m so proud of you!!!
::sniff::

16

Ah, so in the end he DID fuck himself.

b.

Bloody nice work, by the way.

17

Jimbo just shot me an email. He told me to tell you you are fired, and to make sure you turn in all your shit by 12:00! :smiley:

18

Well?? It’s tomorrow! What happened? Give us as many gory details as you can dig up. This is the best vicarious living to come along in a while.

19

I have to agree, Beadalin (btw, is that “bead” long “e”, or “bead” as in “bed”?). This is some good shit.

[sub]And since this is the Pit, you can suck it, jarbabyj[/sub]

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Today’s my day off.
My friends at work though did report he came out of the Big Boss’ office looking like he had just ran a marathon.
Best part is, he can’t fire me without the Big Boss’ permission. And since she likes me…
Tough shit for him.