He's Not Ready For A Child, And I'm Sad.

[Renee]

He also has been reading this thread, and his greatest source of irritation is the implication by several Dopers that he doesn’t really want kids. He feels really misunderstood in this thread on that point. So there are a lot of signs here pointing to him wanting children at some point, just not now.

I think this board can be pretty child-negative, and it’s possible that some of the “well, he probably just doesn’t want kids comments” are people projecting. I personally think that it is entirely possible to want something with all your heart, and still realize it would be better to put it off for a few years. Good luck to the both of you, it sounds like you’re a wonderful couple who will absolutely be fantastic parents one day.

[Novelty_Bobble]

@olivesmarch4th

I guess to understand what a shock this is you have to understand my husband’s personality. He is always in control. He is 100% organized and prepared and practical and rational about everything. I am a pretty meticulous planner, and yet, I can say without reservation that I am the impulsive one. Prior to this happening, I would have told you he would NEVER make a decision like this if he weren’t absolutely certain it was what he wanted. This is a guy who can’t even buy a piece of electronic equipment without days of research. He never buys things on impulse, and gets irritated when people try to talk him into things he isn’t ready for. This is not a guy you can push.

When we talked about it last night, he said he was utterly floored by how much I changed my focus and how committed I was to this once we agreed upon it. And knowing how much it meant to me made it harder for him to express his reservations. I don’t believe for a second he did this on purpose. It’s just that I specifically asked him not to do this, and he did. I don’t think he knew what he was doing, I don’t think he did it on purpose, I think he just loves me so much that he tried to convince himself he was ready. Which means he was in essence going against every ingrained fiber of his being to try to make me happy.
.

If it helps at all this sounds just like me. That describes me well and I found it incredibly hard to commit to such a massively life changing experience for quite a long time. My wife was patient and waited until I was ready and we now have two great kids.
But…I don’t regret that we didn’t do it sooner. It was the right time for both of us even if it was later than my wife ideally wanted. If it is a conscious decision I think it is important that you are both on the same page with this.
When I finally committed to it, it was because my life was settled and I wanted that next step, that change.

The silly thing is of course that we long ago (we were together for 18 years before having children) realised that a contraceptive failure could happen at any point and if that were the case then fine, the decision is out of our hands and baby it is! I was completely fine with accepting that.
Strange how the mind works isn’t it?

You do seem to be communicating though. The tricky balance is not to let this be the elephant in the room and yet not have the same conversation over and over again.

I have no advice for that other than don’t avoid any mention of children.

I wish you luck. I think you’ll be fine.

[Q.N.Jones]

@olivesmarch4th

He also has been reading this thread, and his greatest source of irritation is the implication by several Dopers that he doesn’t really want kids. He feels really misunderstood in this thread on that point. So there are a lot of signs here pointing to him wanting children at some point, just not now.

I think it’s great that he wants them, and it certainly sounds (now) like he does. Those of us who were pointing out that he was acting like a man who didn’t want children didn’t say that to be malicious. We were told only part of the picture, and drew our conclusions from that. It’s impossible to share every nuance in a few posts. He feels misunderstood because misunderstandings are a huge risk of sharing a complex problem in a forum like this.

Best of luck to you both.

[Elendil_s_Heir]

Any developments? Best wishes to you both.