Hey, apparently I'm a porn lover

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Some of you may know I’ve been down, and a good laugh was something I haven’t had in a while. Well, today, that all changed.

My Father In Law calls every morning to let us know that the mail came, and my husband goes down to get it.
Today, he came up with only one letter, and a big grin. “It’s for you,” he says, “hehe.” I look at the envelope, and see, in big, red letters: Something HOT is waiting inside!’ and in smaller, yet just as vibrant print are the words: ‘Sexually Oriented Material.’
‘Whoohoo!’ I think to myself, and rip it open eagerly (not really :)). The letter starts out with ‘Dear Porn Fan,’ (now I wouldn’t really consider myself a ‘fan’, but whatever) and continues on to say: ‘Think you’ve seen it all? I hate to break the news to you, but you’re not even close. So get ready to GET BLOWN (bolding theirs, so subliminal :)) away, cause here comes Fox.’
It goes on to say how much better their magazine is than other “skin books” and then (here comes my favorite line) ‘I’m a lot like you. When I read a porn magazine, I want to see smut. Not just naked girls, any magazine can show you that. What I want to see is ** raunchy, low-down dirty, nut-busting action!**’ (again, bolding theirs).
Heehee, I like how they try to relate to my porn tastes…I mean, he’s just like me, he knows what I want. Wonder if he knows I’m a woman, and ‘nut-busting action’ is not something I’m eager to participate in. (*Well, maybe I am, but not the way he means *;)).
The next paragraph is the best… ‘Do I want to read an interview with some nuclear scientist…no! Do I want to see pictures of some car I can’t afford…don’t bother! Do I care what some guy thinks about some new movie that would put me to sleep…don’t waste my time! Show me snatch!’

LOL, that’s right! show me snatch, goddamn it! Oh yeah, this guy knows what I like. ::wiping away tears::

There is a lot more, but it’s so dirty, I’m afraid to post it here. Well, maybe just another sentence or two…

‘Fox is the only magazine that delivers porn the way it should be…just plain nasty!’ (I’m thinking of Wilford Brimley doing the voice-over for the commercial with that line for some reason.)

‘I can talk about Fox all day, but you can’t really appreciate how dick-hardening it is until you see it for yourself!’ (No, and even then, I’m sure I couldn’t appreciate it’s ‘dick-hardening’ qualities, heehee.)

It also uses the terms ‘super-soaked snatches’, ‘butt-plugged asses’, and cum-coated faces’ at one point, and is finished off with a lovely P.S…“I’m so sure Fox will bust your boner that I’ll make this guarantee…blah blah blah”. Bust your boner? Is that a selling point? If I had a boner, I’d try my best not to bust it, I think.

Well, I hope you guys enjoyed that as much as I did. :slight_smile: I’m just wondering how they got my name.

Rose

2

Ah…
You got the mailing…

Good.

3

Maybe they checked this site for like minded usernames, and thought that Wicked Blue stood for “Wicked Fool” instead of “Wicked Cool?”

[sub]Oh, all right. No need to throw things. I’ll go quietly.[/sub]

4

Oh, so you got Publisher’s Clearing House’s new mailer, eh?

5

Ok, call me a dork, but to me the funniest part of that post was about your father in law calling to tell you the mail was there… not that it’s funny, but it’s so Fall Riv! Heeheehee… do you have dinner with them on Sundays too?

Oh yeah, the porn part was funny too. :slight_smile:

6

Wicked Blue, are you aware that your e-mailbox will now be inundated with doper requests to get on the Fox mailing list?

And … “nut-busting” action? I can’t imagine what that is supposed to be. I like my nuts safe and snug, thank you very much.

7

So, uh, Rose. What is that address? I could always see some butt plugged asses. :slight_smile:

8

Thanks Blu for making me laugh too! :smiley:

[sub]and could I, um, have that address too?[/sub] :wink:

9

heh… i can just imagine “bust your boner”…

{scene: some young teen male in his bedroom}

<thump>

<thump>

<thump>

“whoops…”

<Crack!>

“AAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!! MOM! I BROKE IT! I BROOOOKKKKKEEEEE IIIIT…”

“What? broke what? hey… what’s that shampoo bottle doing duct-taped to the wall?”

[sub] sorry. couldn’t resist.[/sub]

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[sub] Ummmmm…Callie when you are done…do you wanna share that address…or bring it along with you?[/sub]

11

Ohhhhhh…My God…have you ever laughed so hard it was better than an orgasm? Curled up in a ball on the floor, convulsing, tears streaming out of your eyes? That, Madam, is what you have done for me here, and I humbly thank you for it :smiley:

12

damn, I’m laughing my ass off. I was sitting in my computer chair reading the post and i spit zima all over the monitor.

13

“bust your boner”

Huh.

Now, there are times when a man’s lady love is on top, and gets a mite over-enthusiastic, bouncing-wise, and lifts up a bit too far before coming back down. I never thought of that as a selling point however, more as a truly mood-breaking moment for both.

Then again, nut-busting as well. I think they must be trying to market towards a particular segment of people deeply into bdsm.

14

Yes … was laughing as I read this … all the way up to those lines about busting things. Ouch!!! Thank you * sooooooo * much for the painful imagery.

As for how your name got on their mailing list: Having spent some years working in the direct marketing industry, I can tell you it was probably because you sent in a warranty registration card or survey response or some such thing. If this kind of mail becomes a problem, check with your local post office and they should be able to give you some info about how to get your name off mailing lists - though an * occasional * laugh like this probably isn’t anything to be too worried about. Unless you decide to ** “see it for yourself!” ** you probably won’t hear from them again.

15

I’m not so much a porn fan as I am a porn philosopher.