Or does it ever? Is a single issue of a skin magazine too much, or does an entire room filled with videos not cause you to bat an eye? Does it bother you only if s/he doesn’t involve you? If s/he compares your bedroom performance to things s/he has seen in porn? If s/he follows the careers and personal lives of the actors/actresses, and goes to conventions to meet porn stars? Does the format of the porn (illustrated, animated, photograph, live action) make a difference in how you feel?
For the sake of argument, let’s assume that you don’t find the content objectionable, unless you find all porn objectionable. So, we’re assuming your SO isn’t into kiddie porn/rape porn/whatever else makes you personally uncomfortable.
Also, if you don’t mind answering, approximately how old are you?
I’m 29, engaged. My fiancee is big into porn. Doesn’t bother me a bit. He downloads it off of the internet and I always know when he’s been watching (I’ll turn on Winamp to play music and the title will be up.) I like to tease him about the ridiculous titles.
He’s a horn dog and I know it and frankly, I’d rather him watch it at home than be out in a strip club or something like that. Fetishes don’t bother me either, although he doesn’t have any that I know about, nor does any particular format. He’s pretty much straight-laced.
He never compares my performance to the porn, although the night I told him I watch some of his sometimes when he’s out of town, his eyes almost bugged out of his head. He thought that was the coolest thing ever.
I watch porn with the girlfriend about twice a month. We’ll go to the rental store, browse through the selection together and pick two (one for her, one for me). We’ll watch it together, generally while drinking, and fool around. While we are watching it we’ll judge the “acting”, talk about new ideas, etc. It is just something to do. Instead of watching a movie or something on a lazy night in, we’ll pop in some porn and enjoy ourselves.
When would I get uncomfortable with a SO’s porn watching? When they’d rather watch porn than be with you. If the person is following the lives of the actors, yes, I’d get worried. (Following one actor, a particular favorite, is fine. Knowing multiple actors by name, bad.) Having large collections that the person is unwilling to part with, bad. However, I do agree with the above that I’d rather have my SO watching porn in my livingroom than in a strip club.
Porn would bother me if my SO needed it to be able to perform, or if he’d rather whack off to porn than have sex with me. Other than that, as long as it’s all adults and nothing too seriously kinky, I’m fine with it.
When he lies about it.
When it impacts his life in unproductive ways (can’t go to work because I stayed up until 5 am whacking off to porn.)
When the kids are exposed to it - even accidentally (its reaching the time for the erotica to get moved out of the house - they can read).
When it impacts his expectation of me and how I should behave.
When I’m exposed non-voluntarily to images that make me uncomfortable.
Mr. AdoptaMom doesn’t watch, read, or ever engage in live audiences of porn and I’m glad he’s that kind of man. Not to say he didn’t partake in his teenage days - he freely admits that he did with his buddies. Thankfully, he says it never did much for him and he always worried about what circumstances the women had that made her chose that particular line of work. I like that he’s a sensitive kind of guy that way.
I also like that when he’s turned on, he’s turned on by me, my body, and fantasies of what we have done and will do together rather than someone else. If, after 20+ years together, he NEEDED pornography I would doubt that I’ve done everything I could to satisfy him sexually and do whatever I could to get my groove back.
Probably not the kind of answer you’re expecting here, but it is what it is.
Heh. That’s kind of facetious and partially serious. I am not that into the visuals, he is, and I do expect him to cough up if he runs across something specific that he knows I will like, so we can watch it together. That’s also a shorthand way of saying that I expect him to be non-secretive about it. I’d be really concerned if he suddenly felt the need to go out of his way to conceal his porn use.
The only time it really pissed me off was when our system got hijacked with a new-and-improved hijack program so unique that all the help desk guys were salivating over it and asking us for copies. That effectively shut our computer down for two weeks. That was irritating.
And the very explicit pop-ups that predated that fiasco by about a month were irksome, as well. I really like porn when I’m in the mood, but when I’m NOT, it revolts me. Sitting down with a bagel and a cup of coffee and seeing graphic pop ups of cum dripping out some shaved cunt while this [del]bimbo[/del] sophisticated, mature and self-empowered woman nibbles at the end of a 10 inch cock is a little more than I need to see at 7:00 AM, thank you. Even if I might have liked it under other circumstances, I didn’t like it then. It felt violent and violative.
Eh, it’s no thing to me and I really don’t understand the women that are threatened by porn. You want him to only fantasize about you? That’s just odd to me. Obviously my mileage varies.
My husband doesn’t appear to use porn or go to strip clubs. If he decided to use porn the way he’s used computer games, like World of Warcraft, I’d have left him years ago.
Mr. Stuff doesn’t use porn at all, for a variety of reasons, and I’d be upset to find that he had been. Not least because it would mean he’d a) been lying to me for years, or b) had a pretty major character shift.
I haven’t found any evidence that 'im indoors uses porn at all - if he does, he hides it very well! I’m not sure that any use of porn would bother me that much unless he decided the way to get me turned on was to grow one of those ridiculous 70’s 'taches…that just totally wouldn’t work!
No current SO. I’d be bothered if he lied to me about it, if he expected me to be able to reproduce scenes I’d not seen without adequate instructions, or if it was a substitute for me (me being available: if I’m in another continent for a while, I’d rather he visit Mrs. Palm than a hooker, and rather a hooker than a hookup).
When I found my married bro’s stash, the one detail that bothered me was the knowledge that SiL probably has no idea (that woman needs to loosen up) and that just by putting it with his “computer stuff” it was completely hidden from her (she also needs to advance her brain a couple centuries).
My other bro’s had Big Sis help cleaning up his computer a few times. He’s finally learned that clicking on certain links and popups in his favorite sports pages is NOT a good idea, but it took several reinstalls. It’s been a while since he had to call me “uh… sis? Uh, I have these pop-ups uhn…”
What’s with this assumption that it’s the Ladies’s SO’s who make use of porn? Goes both ways. It was my ex-SO who got (a bit) uncomfortable with what I’d leave on the computer history (well it was just stuff he wasn’t into. One of the reasons we parted…on good terms).
But to answer the question directly, if he became more interested in watching porn than coming to bed with me. If he was watching stuff I could be no part of (my current SO likes watching chicks who do what I like to do, and who look like I do). If he were looking at guys (unless he were definatly bi). If he were looking at scat, or children (moving out of the house). If he got obsessional collecting stuff. Obsessional collecting is bad regardless. Which I guess brings me back to my forst point; only if it took presidence over real sex.
I don’t think I’ve made myself clear. There’s no thoughts of feeling “threatened” involved at all, on any level. When Mr. AdoptaMom is daydreaming at work, I feel special knowing that he’s remembering something we’ve done together rather than something he read or saw in an impersonal way. Those thoughts may be erotic, sweet, tender, or special to him in a way that only I have (or can) fulfill.
Frankly, I still get butterflies in my tummy when I daydream of him. He satisfies me completely, in every way, including sexually, emotionally, and intellectually. Rather than feeling threatened, it’s in fact quite the exact opposite.
When I came back to this thread this morning and read some of the replies, I shared them with him, including yours. His response was a gentle shake of his head and he expressed sadness that everyone doesn’t have what we have.
Our 14 yod and 15 yos were eating breakfast while we were discussing this and as our daughter left the table she hugged her dad and said she hoped to find a man to love her the way he loves me. That’s meaningful.
disclaimer: This post is is NO way meant to disrespect the choices that others make, nor is any judgment passed. It’s a simple sharing of how things are in our relationship with full recognition that there are many other successful and happy relationships out there that believe differently.
My ex, though, brought some stuff home that was pretty scary. He was into the whole BDSM thing and his taste in porn reflected that.
It wasn’t photographed, but there were illustrations of women with spikes piercing various body parts, whip marks, and other depictions of pain. Some of the faces of these women looked genuinely afraid.
It was a turnoff, and we split up about a year later.
I dunno, feeling sorry for other people seems kind of judgmental to me. You also seemed kind of quick to assume that Ruby was talking about you.
If you and your husband are happy without porn, and that’s what does it for your relationship, good for you. But there’s no reason for anyone to feel “sad” for people who do incorporate porn in their healthy, loving relationships. And no, “porn” and “healthy, loving relationship” are not mutually exclusive.
I think some guys are much, much better at hiding their porn than others. Some guys just use an old box in the closet, other guys use hidden vaults with combination locks. I believe the level of security/secretiveness is inversely proportional to the SO’s discomfort with the porn.
