[QUOTE=betenoir]
What’s with this assumption that it’s the Ladies’s SO’s who make use of porn? Goes both ways.
[/QUOTE]
That wasn’t at all my assumption, but for the purposes of this thread, my interest was in the women’s point of view.
Occasional porn doesn’t bother me. Occasional is once or twice per month. Any more than that would bother me. A man owning a bunch of mags or films wouldn’t be the type of relationship I would want to be in.
It wouldn’t bother me if my husband looked at porn. We don’t share a computer so he could have piles of it for all I know or care.
As others have said, if I somehow found out he had child porn or violent stuff, it would be a problem.
[QUOTE=Adoptamom_II]
I don’t think I’ve made myself clear. There’s no thoughts of feeling “threatened” involved at all, on any level. When Mr. AdoptaMom is daydreaming at work, I feel special knowing that he’s remembering something we’ve done together rather than something he read or saw in an impersonal way. Those thoughts may be erotic, sweet, tender, or special to him in a way that only I have (or can) fulfill.
[/QUOTE]
Honestly, do you think you’re the only woman he ever, ever thinks about in a sexual manner? And your proof is that he doesn’t look at porn? I’m sure that’s what he tells you, but… OK. I think that’s kind of unrealistic and not exactly in keeping with what I know of human sexuality. But OK.
I also don’t think it makes sex in a relationship any less special, which is what you’re saying, if fantasies occur about people other than your SO. Your implication that your relationship is “more special” and the rest of us “don’t have what you have…” because we do have these fantasies, or our SO does, is pretty condescending.
What matters is your loving commitment to the person you’re with and how you express it. What goes on in the privacy of your mind is yours to treasure… and you don’t have to tell your wife/husband about it if you don’t want.
Well, I guess I just found my point. We’re trying to conceive, and it bugs me to see porn in the history on this computer. I want him to save all the good stuff for me.
Porn doesn’t really bother me at all. I’m into reading and writing erotic stuff… but the vast majority of porn isn’t made for women, so the film and photography stuff does nothing for me, personally.
I don’t really care how my husband chooses to masturbate. But, he’s really turned off by porn. He has a moral issue with it–it feels exploitative to him, he believes a lot of women get into the industry because of poverty and/or a past abuse/runaway history and that they often get trapped in abusive and manipulative situations or make poor choices based on being used to abuse and manipulation. He can’t watch it without thinking about the bad situation the actress might be in. He feels the same way about strippers and such. He responded with actual revulsion when his best man suggested hiring a stripper for his bachelor party last year.
I believe he has a point, but there’s also a place where you have to accept that some women may really want to do it, and feel really empowered doing it, and are happy with the choice because they celebrate sexuality.
It’s kind of weird… that it bothers him way more than it bothers me. In a way it’s kind of cute. He insists–and I believe him just because I’ve known him so long-- that he’s not turned on by anyone but me. I think it’s weird, but I guess I ought to feel flattered! 
Porn doesn’t bother me, usually- frankly I kind of dig it. We watch together once or twice a month, but I know that he looks at stuff online (when he can tear himself away from WoW 
).
If I’m most definitely not in the mood, and he says “Okay, I’ll just watch this then,” while I’m in the same room trying to sleep, it pisses me off. But he doesn’t do that much.
Female, 39 years old, married for almost 13 years.
[QUOTE=Adoptamom_II]
I don’t think I’ve made myself clear. There’s no thoughts of feeling “threatened” involved at all, on any level. When Mr. AdoptaMom is daydreaming at work, I feel special knowing that he’s remembering something we’ve done together rather than something he read or saw in an impersonal way. Those thoughts may be erotic, sweet, tender, or special to him in a way that only I have (or can) fulfill.
Frankly, I still get butterflies in my tummy when I daydream of him. He satisfies me completely, in every way, including sexually, emotionally, and intellectually. Rather than feeling threatened, it’s in fact quite the exact opposite.
When I came back to this thread this morning and read some of the replies, I shared them with him, including yours. His response was a gentle shake of his head and he expressed sadness that everyone doesn’t have what we have.
Our 14 yod and 15 yos were eating breakfast while we were discussing this and as our daughter left the table she hugged her dad and said she hoped to find a man to love her the way he loves me. That’s meaningful.
disclaimer: This post is is NO way meant to disrespect the choices that others make, nor is any judgment passed. It’s a simple sharing of how things are in our relationship with full recognition that there are many other successful and happy relationships out there that believe differently.
[/QUOTE]
Just to clarify, yes it was your post that I was responding to…not necessarily you personally. However, I do find your response condescending, even though you’ve included a politically correct disclaimer. It’s hard to accept that no disrespect was meant by your husband’s “gentle shake of his head” and his “sadness that everyone doesn’t have what we have.”
Sadness? Excuse me? I don’t need his pity.
I respect that this isn’t the pit so I won’t make this personal. However, I do believe that lots of women are sold a fantasy that they are the only one that their husbands will ever fantasize about and if they’re not, then they must be some kind of failure as a loving wife. (which is nonsense) It’s a short hop from there to “Ohmygod! My husband is watching porn! What do they have that I don’t have???” insecurities. I just don’t get that.
I’m not saying this is you and your loving relationship. My experience has been different than yours, that’s all. I’d like to see all women more confident in their relationships that if their partner is watching an occasional porn movie or flipping through an occasional Playboy, it’s not a threat to their status as “the only woman for him”. It’s such a benign activity for women to get all bent out of shape about. It’s no wonder some men feel the need to hide their surfing history. :rolleyes: