It seems my wife has six friends who all have struggled with their husbands who secretly watch pornography. Last night after a friend came over in tears about catching her husband, they wanted to know from me, “Why do men do it?”
So I am looking for input.
Why do men seek out pornography when they have an attractive and willing wife?
What should a woman do when she finds out her husband is sneaking pornography?
If a husband feels a need to watch pornography, does that automatically mean he is unsatisfied sexually with his wife?
I always thought that since men crave variety, it worked as a safe outlet for wondering what it must be like with another girl. This is strictly MHO, I have nothing to back this up. It’s just that I like spaghetti. I really like spaghetti. I can eat it several times every week. But I enjoy spaghetti the day after eating baked chicken more than I enjoy eating spaghetti the day after eating spaghetti. Does that make any sense whatsoever?
Why is he sneaking it? Has an environment been created where he’s made to feel bad? Or is he willfully disregarding her request to stop it? This depends on the people involved.
Not at all. It seems to me that we men are capable of separating the act from love in a different way then women. In the right circumstances, the porn can serve as a stimulant to the sexual relationship.
Husbands watch porn for the same reason non-husbands watch it: they like it.
It’s not that hard to understand, really. Pro football players do sometimes watch games on TV, instead of getting a pickup game together in the neighborhood. Actors have been known to go to plays in which they are not appearing. And lots of people like to see others having sex, even if they’re not part of the action.
It’s not “instead of” anything – we watch porn because we like to watch porn. (And quite possibly engage in a little ancilliary activity at the same time, true.)
Your questions all also assume that “wives” never want to watch porn, never masturbate, and are sexually available to their husbands all of the time – and I really doubt all three of those are true of any person.
The more interesting questions, to me, are why (and how) are these women “struggling” with this porn-watching habit and why do the men need to do it secretly? Are these wives watching over their husbands day and night, seeking to preserve them from the sin of Onan? Do they conduct searches of their husbands’ possessions, searching for the demon Porn?
I agree with Hugh Jass: what exactly is “sneaking pornography”? I say watch it/read it/whatever together. Sharing fantasies and acting them out with mutual consent is one of the best parts of being involved in a relationship. Discuss what you’re curious about, and find something you two can watch together; consider it a form of communication between two people who love each other (the act of watching together, probably not the pornography itself).
Nope. Not at all.
I’m actually more curious about the wives than I am about the husbands.
Because it has nothing to do with their attractive and willing wife.
She can either use the opportunity to talk to him about it, and use what she learns to improve their relationship; or, have a great insecurity fit and cry to her neighbor; or, ignore it.
“Feels a need?” If he can’t have a satisfying sexual experience without porn, then their marriage has greater issues than the porn itself.
No, the women I am talking about are the opposite of overbearing. They are simply loving faithful wives…perhaps all too trusting.
So why do men enjoy watching two strangers f&%$ing eachothers brains out…And (most) women find it disgusting and completley unarousing? Women, if they want anything outside their relationship, it would involve love, romance, and affection…usually because it was lacking in their relationship.
Men on the other hand…often want just plain hot sexual stimulation from porno…
Why do men want this and women do not?
In reply to why this upsets the wife. It appears to them as a betrayel. Love and marriage is a gift of eachothers bodies and spirit. When a man watches porno and wanks, he is fantasizing about other people…fantasizing about having other people’s bodies… Are you saying a man cannot be happily fufilled and monogamous in body and mind?
Men watch porn because they’re generally wired differently than women. They’re visually stimulated, and hard-wired to spread their seed among as many women as possible. It’s just fantasy, and plenty of women do it too. Our sexual feelings tend to be more emotionally stimulated, but it’s the exact same thing. It just takes a different form.
If these women read romance novels, which are nothing but soft-core porn, or especially enjoy watching movies where they show Brad Pitt’s ass, does that necessarily mean that they’re not being monogamous in the mind?
This was touched on lightly somewhat earlier, but I could just as easily counter with a question: why shouldn’t husbands get jealous if they catch their wives reading a romance novel? Does that mean their wife isn’t happy with their relationship any more? If you can answer that, you’ll probably have answered most of your own question.
As a female dating a man who has a few 'playboy’s and videos I don’t agree with this premise. (He even received a set of discs with Playboy centerfolds from 1970-2000. I probably looked at those discs more than he did, but then I find women to be lovely, their bodies beautiful.)
These types of movies/magazines are fun for the both of us, and if he rents a porno, I’ll watch it with him (or without him if I’m in the mood). He has the same freedom.
So answering these from a woman’s view:
Because looking at porn is enjoyable. Sometimes it’s humorous, sometimes it’s just awful, and sometimes it can be ahem stimulating.
First of all, one should not forbid one’s significant other in this manner. If it is agreed upon in the relationship, fine, that’s all good. But if one’s so (significant other) is ‘sneaking’ pornography, then clearly this issue is not agreed upon, clearly this is an authoritative arrangement. I don’t like rules of this type; I like a clear agreed upon consensus based on mutual agreements and respect, not ‘You may not do this because I say you may not.’
However, if it were an agreed upon consensus…no, I just can’t see myself caring enough about him sneaking some porn to do anything about it.
No, it does not. It means he wants to watch a fun, stimulating movie, it does not mean you are less attractive to him. In fact, with the quality of the actresses in some porn movies…I feel MORE attractive sometimes…
I actually believe this issue is important as I have seen first hand a relationship deteriorate over this issue. The more a person tries to put controls and limits over another, the less respect and mutual understanding there can be. You cannot treat your husband as if he is a child because he is not and it will only lower both parties esteem and trust. This is not to say that the husband is always blameless, some men DO have addictions…but forced controls are not the way a healthy, mutually respectful relationship SHOULD work.
My wife would be suprised to find out that I often think about the engine of a '63 Chrysler Newport or that I go over various Nautical knots in my head while in the act! This is not because these things arouse me. In fact, it’s the inverse. It’s something I’m doing for her because she hasn’t arrived to the same point I have.
Very few couples have the sex life that they had in the begining. The reasons fall on both sides. But that doesn’t result in a man’s sex drive adjusting to the slower pace (mostly). Orgasms are a wonderful thing, sometimes a pressure release keeps the machinery running in prime condition. Any man who claims to have not fantasized about another female while intimate is, IMHO, full of it.
Men who’s SOs read this board or the .005% who are so deeply in love after x years of marriage that the need for variety hasn’t kicked in yet, feel free to pipe in.
I am finding most of these posts very sensible, such as Brondicoms.
But just for the record, the one upset last night i doubt would ever read a romance novel. And I imagine would never consider getting some sort of satisfaction from reading a cheesy soft core porn romance novel.
IMHO reading those cookie cutter romance sex novels on a regular basis is very similiar to watching cookie cutter porn or even other escapist activities like drinking or drugs…or even watching cookie cutter tv. They indicate a fundamental boredom with ones life.
Watching some skanky people have sex in some low budget film together…Or reading the equivalent…just doesn’t seem to me to ever be a beautiful wonderous experience for two people to share… On the other hand, discussing sexual fantasies…and exploring these together with honesty, compassion, and understanding…that sounds healthy…
Does anyone out there find the idea of their husband watching porn distasteful?
Too trusting in what way? Clearly they’re trying to find out about their husband’s habits, so there’s a certain amount of snooping going on.
I really want to know what, specifically, you mean by “struggling.” Are they destroying porn where they find it? Demanding that their husbands never look at porn again? Or just complaining about it to you? (There’s a world of difference there.)
Women, strangely enough, seem to enjoy reading about two strangers f&%$ing (what’s with the cartoon swearwords, by the way? we’re all adults here, we can say “fuck” and not swoon) – and buy books by the cartload. It’s a different medium, but it’s still, in large part, about knocking boots.
That’s an immense and unwarranted generalization – I know quite a number of women who like various kinds of sexually explicit material. At best you can say that more men than women enjoy watching people having sex, since women are more likely to prefer specific kinds of written narratives.
But women do use porn. Some of them even use the same kinds that men do.
Yes, I am. I doubt that any woman would be, either. Anyone who claims to never think sexually about any other person in the world than one’s spouse either is lying or has such a ridiculously low libido that sexual thoughts about the spouse come at decade-long intervals.
Human beings think about sex. It’s not evil; it’s not nasty; it just happens. Our brains are wired that way. If we didn’t think about sex regularly, the species would have died out long before now. That’s entirely separate from the porn-watching question, of course, though I’m beginning to see where you’re coming from now.
Not only does my wife not mind me watching porn, she likes porn too. Sometimes she watches with me, but usually not as her tastes are different. Neither of us has a problem with this. IMHO watching end enjoying porn is a normal and healthy thing for a man to do, married or not.
If a husband is looking at porn in secret, and the wife finds out and is upset, this is a problem. However, the solution to that problem will not be as simple as having the husband simply stop looking at porn; there are probably deeper problems in the relationship at work.
I don’t do marriage and for the most part I don’t do porn, but I would imagine that the quick answer is that husbands watch pornography in order to masturbate.
Not all men like watching porn, and not all women don’t like watching porn. But I think it is possible that some women don’t like watching porn because they think they aren’t supposed to like it.
Does happily fulfilled and monogamous in body and mind = never fantasizing? If so, then I do not think there is a man or a woman who can “happily fulfilled and monogamous in body and mind.”