Sex doesn’t always have to be “a beautiful wonderous experience for two people to share”; I believe consenting adults can and do make a distinction between “making love” and “just plain fucking.” And enjoy both equally.
Also, not all pornography is low budget. There are plenty of films out there made with better quality, and in many cases, with more attention to what a woman might want to see and fantasize about (meaning, produced by women, etc).
I brought up romance novels as an example because back when I was a kid, they basically fulfilled the function of porn for me, as I had no access to anything else. Granted, back then Judy Blume’s Forever was kind of racy, but I think you know what I mean.
This thread moves faaaast.
I believe that at least the unofficial, if not official, policy of the board is that profanity is limited to the Pit, though I can’t find a cite from a moderator at this time.
I agree with the rest of your post, however - many (not all, I’m among them) women do read romance novels and enjoy the whole romantic swept-away feeling, the steamy scenes, etc. Are these women then being emotionally unfaithful to their husbands?
Porn isn’t meant to be a wondrous experience. It’s a quick turn-on, or a place to get ideas. The discussions that it may create and the sex that comes from it, that’s hopefully the wondrous and healthy part. It can give you new ideas to spark creativity in lovemaking; discussing fantasies is fine and good, but perhaps some people like a little help in getting the ideas in the first place.
And obviously I agree with the other posters - if the husbands are “sneaking around” about their porn, then some real communication is needed.
I’ve watched pornographic films with my husband before, and some of them are well-done and feature attractive people. (Some even have plots with more than 30 seconds of thought put into them, but those are rarer. 
) There are even “soft-core” series out there aimed at couples and with more of a focus on mood than just the sexual act, for those who find the “hard-core” stuff a turn-off. I suspect the men aren’t looking at these, but that’s because they feel their partner wouldn’t be interested anyway.
Not so.
I’m not immune from noticing a shapely body walk by, mind you. And I’ll have the occasional stray thought about Helen Hunt when a Mad About You rerun is on.
But I have never fantasized about Woman B while in the middle of erotic things with Woman A. Perhaps I am sadly unimaginative, but frankly, I really really really like lovemaking, and when engaged in it, what’s going on right then tends to keep my complete attention.
Why would I fantasize about Six Flags if I’m in the middle of Disneyland, anyway?
- Rick
So what gets these wives off besides their husbands? Or are they sexless unless in his company?
Because men got the testoserone and women got the estrogen
Sounds like they have some emotional problems to work out that have nothing to do with their husbands. If a husband promised not to do it and then sneaked it I can understand the betrayel thing but otherwise? That’s a big strange.
Is this some kind of Fundimentalist Christian doctrine because I have never heard this definition of marriage before. Are you seriously suggesting that once a man (or woman for that matter) says the vows that nothing but their spouse is allowed to arrouse them from that day forward!?!
I think that the studies show pretty clearly that most folks, men and women, masterbate. Most people, by my understanding, fantisize while doing so. Some people use aids in their fantisizing. I see no moral difference between closing your eyes and imaging Marilyn Monroe or turning on a tape and watching Marilyn Chambers.
I guess the basis for my point of view is that the urge to use porn is normal where as the desire to forbid it is nurotic.
…more exciting rides?
{insert open-mothed smiley here}
All those who have chimed in. Please also reply to my quick poll on pornography and religious affiliation.
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=136582
I hope noone finds it inappropriate that i started a new thread for the poll.
I may never hear “It’s A Small World After All” the same way again.
I can’t speak for most men, but my husband looks at porn occasionally. He doesn’t watch videos, but looks at magazines while he’s at work once in a while. I don’t think I’ve ever given him any reason to think it’s wrong, but I’ll ask him about it. He says he looks at it because it’s there and it’s a fantasy. Quite often, we’ll even act that fantasy out 
I could certainly be wrong here, but sometimes I think that women have their own fantasies about what love and marriage are like, porn is not in that image. When hot, dirty sex comes up, they just don’t know what to think.
But mmmmmm . . . Pirates of the Caribbean . . .
Forgive me if I’m wring here, ready, but it seems to me you’ve got an idea about pornography. And that’s fine, everyone’s got an idea about everything. It also seems to me that you seem to have a problem with the fact that not everyone else’s idea seems to match, or even be remotely close. I’m sorry. Not every man has to “sneak” porn from his wife, because not every wife finds it horrible.
I’m like most men, I think, in that porn and the wife are two completely different activities. It’s like playing football and watching football on TV. Just cause football’s involved in both activities, it doesn’t mean they’re equivalent.
If you or your friend don’t approve of porn, that’s fine. Don’t buy any, and let your husband know how you feel about it. I think you should also be prepared to say yes every single time he asks, if you don’t want him having any unauthorized orgasms. Because he’s still gonna jerk off, and sometimes in doing so, he’s going to think of people who aren’t you.
Porn is, in a sense, about laziness. You want an orgasm, a quick fantasy, but without all the rigamarole of everything else. No big deal. You can do this and you don’t have to put forth much effort or bug anyone. And then you can get back to whatever you were doing before.
Not everyone gets the same thing out of the same thing. And not every orgasm is accompanied by cherubs and valentines.
My wife does not like me watching porn. To her it is a betrayal of our relationship - to paraphrase Bladerunner, “She should be enough for me.”
This may be backward-thinking - it may be unreasonable in some opinions given how my brain is “hard wired” for spreading my seed.
Whether or not her feelings are sociologically justified or politically correct, since it causes my wife pain to have me watch porn, I have given it up. For her.
It’s harder than it sounds.
I may be way out of bounds here, but this really sounds like one of those “my friends” threads. Why don’t you explain why it bothered you so much that your husband was watching porn? I’m only right about 51% of the time, so I apologize in advance if this falls on the 49% side of the line.
I’m going to chip in here.
Once upon a time, I really didn’t care about my SO’s looking at porn.
Then I got in a long-distance relationship. Suddenly porn became a Very. Bad. Thing. in my mind. My SO told me he didn’t indulge in it… and then I found some on his PC. Imagine the meltdown yourself - I won’t bother describing - but he also lied to me. Very very bad. Why is this something to hide? Because he thought I disapproved. And I did. But why? Well, because I wasn’t there. I didn’t think he really needed to make himself hornier - because being hornier made things just a little more likely that he might find someone else and be unfaithful. At least in MY head.
Well, I have since gotten treatment for my anxiety and depression - and I supply him with his own personal Venoma porn. Suddenly it doesn’t seem like it would be such a big deal - and suddenly I start thinking that I might just enjoy watching it with him - seeing as I’m a monogamous bisexual. That way, I will be able to exercise my OWN forbidden outlets.
I’m a woman and I watch and enjoy porn. If my boyfriend wants to look at it, I’d probably go rent or buy some for him. Unless he stayed up all night or it consumed a lot of his time, I don’t know what the big deal is. To each their own…
Hot and dirty sex is fun. Some women just don’t know what they are missing!
There are issues with porn that I feel haven’t been addressed here, and though I don’t know much about it, here goes.
It is possible for people to become addicted to porn. It is possible for porn to wreck a marriage and a family. It does happen. There are men who leave loving and willing wives in bed to look at porn alone. There are wives who see their husbands drifting away from them, more interested in imaginary fantasies than in real life, which is difficult and messy. There are books and websites out there dealing with issues of sexual addiction, and therapists too. Often, it begins in childhood and has connections with abuse suffered. It can interfere with work and family.
Now, if both people don’t mind it, then I have nothing to say. But there are people who don’t feel that it has a place in their lives. I am not talking about treating your husband like a child; I am talking about two adults working out their relationship. It is possible to live life without porn, and sometimes it is very necessary.
Personally, in case you can’t tell, I think the stuff’s a rotten poison that is becoming more and more of a problem in the world. Ready’s friends are entitled to their opinions and feelings about their marriages–you are not there, and cannot judge them. They know what’s going on better than you do. Ready, you may want to point them to some books on the subject. If they are Christian religious types (as you imply), there are some books at the local Christian bookstore.
My mom doesn’t seem to care that my dad watches porn, but I find it disgusting and not to mention disturbing…maybe I just hate the typical male?
He comes home, cracks open a beer and sits there.
I’ve made quite the fuss about it to my mom, but she just ignores me.
I’m 18, and I understand what alot of you are saying about variety but I think it’s a huge disrepectful thing towards my mom.
Not only that, but I’m scared one day I’ll come home and find him jerking off or something, then all hell will break loose.
Note to the husbands : Make sure your kids don’t catch you doing it…
(Sorry that this doesn’t really have to do with the purpose of the thread)
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I agree with the others who point out that spreading the seed is a part of mans nature. Porn is an artificial way of meeting this need. I would also like to point out that for a young man sex alone often can’t keep us satisfied. It’s not fair for a wife to have to satisfy her husband every time he needs to have an orgasm.
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Do nothing. Or, join him.
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Not at all.
It seems to me that there are varying interpretations of porn as well. Nudity is not pornography (well to me anyway). I’m not into hardcore porn although I saw plenty of it in years past.
Surely though, it comes down to having a habit that your partner finds offensive for whatever reason. The choice to me seems easy- your partner or your habit.
:rolleyes:
I’m going to say this s-l-o-w-l-y. Well, actually I’m going to type it, but it’s a simple idea that has not been put to rest.
People become aroused by any number of things.
Other people are not aroused by any number of things.
Said other people may find the things of said people to be icky.
THAT IS IRRELAVENT TO SAID PEOPLE.
The fact that some of us find porn to be ‘disgusting and not to mention disturbing’ means nothing to those of us who partake.
I’m seeing shades of the homosexuality debacle here.
No one is hurt by people looking at or masturbating to pornography.
I am a married man.
I consume porn alone, with the knowledge and support of my wife, and we consume porn together, with the objective of arousing both of us. I’m not comfortable discussing the specifics without her approval, but know that our relationship is very, very healthy.
And here’s why our relationship is solid:
WE TALK ABOUT THINGS.
We’re open with each other. She knows what I like to masturbate to, I know what she likes to masturbate to, and we know what turns each other’s cranks when we’re together. Occasionally we’ll masturbate in front of each other; no big deal. We don’t really have any secrets about this stuff. (Well, she wouldn’t necessarily be able to tell you exactly which websites I visit, but that’s an unnecessary level of detail, IMHO.)
As brondicon and DeniseV have pointed out, porn != beautiful and wondrous experience by definition. Hey, sometimes sex with my wife isn’t a beautiful and wondrous experience; it’s a grunting, sweaty, mind-blowing expression of purely physical carnal pleasure. It’s just an aspect of my relationship with this woman. And in fact, that is our beautiful and wondrous experience: We’re soul mates, and I enjoy every minute I spend with her, whether we’re having sex in that given minute or not. We talk, and we share, not just about sex, but about our lives, our families, our random thoughts, our ideas for what we might be doing in ten years, our choices of color for the new bedspread, our goofy jokes, our opinion of the president’s policies, our annoyances with co-workers, our preference for dinner, and on and on.
Because, honestly, I think you’re making the sex too important. Yes, two people in a committed monogamous relationship will have a certain expectation regarding sexual fidelity, and any breaking of that expectation constitutes a serious violation of trust. But at the same time, there are couples that establish very different sexual rules; my wife and I are good friends, for example, with a couple that makes no secret of their “open marriage.” Either of them is free to partner up with anyone else, with the only requirement that they be conscientious about their physical health. That arrangement does not appeal to either me or my wife, but that doesn’t matter, because it makes them happy and I have no right to judge them for it.
Consumption of pornography (within reason: not to excess, no toddlers, etc.) is perfectly normal, and lack of communication about it is the real problem if it becomes an issue in a marriage. If one partner secretly enjoys it, and doesn’t tell his or her partner, that’s a lie of omission. If one partner openly enjoys it and the other partner claims to accept it but secretly resents it, that’s likewise dishonest. If one partner openly enjoys it and the other partner hates it, they have to discuss it if they’re going to have a happy union; either the first partner voluntarily gives it up (and sticks to that promise) or the second partner learns to live with it (or like it), or they’re headed for trouble.
Or, indeed, both partners can enjoy it, either separately or together or both, and a happy marriage is the result. It’s not the porn – it’s the communication.