My husband had quite the collection of porn, and it bothers me not in the slightest. It’s not his all-consuming passion (heck, he hasn’t even seen it in over a year).
That being said, porn was part of what killed my last marriage. My ex was (and is) into very violent BDSM imagery and I found some truly disturbing images both on the computer and in magazines. Partly because of this, we had no sex life for the last half of the marriage. I simply could not fulfill his fantasies.
I’m also a woman who enjoys porn, although I don’t indulge often. I’ve watched it with Airman, and it did spice up our, ummm, lovemaking.
I had a g/f who took issue with any “me time” I would have. It was an affront to her. She just could not accept that porn was fantasy, and masturbation satisfied a need that sex did not. Some women are cool with porn or masturbation, some are not.
The fact that this woman left the house, in tears, for catching him tells me all I need to know about why he kept it a secret from her in the first place. Where do these six women live - Pleasantville??
Let’s break this down for your wife’s friends into my honest answer, followed by what they want to hear:
Why do men seek out pornography when they have an attractive and willing wife? Honest Answer: The attractive and willing wife is not always in the mood, and the attractive and willing wife is not always around when we are in the mood. But the main reason? It makes us feel good. What they want to hear: We are despicable, evil bastards. Why do we always have to think about the dirty dirty sex sex sex??
What should a woman do when she finds out her husband is sneaking pornography? Honest answer: Nothing. How is her life any different now that she knows? If she has put herself in a position to make him “sneak” pornography, she needs to think about why that is. What they want to hear: This despicable evil bastard has dirty, carnal, SNEAKY habits that must be thrust into the open and dealt with immediately. Humiliation, anger, and accusations of mistrust are the only courses of action.
If a husband feels a need to watch pornography, does that automatically mean he is unsatisfied sexually with his wife? Honest answer: NFW. Are you aware that there are differences between men and women, even married ones? Sometimes, while alone, I pop in a porno and jerk off. There’s nothing wrong with my sex life, nothing wrong with my marriage, and nothing wrong with me. Sometimes, while alone, my wife does the same damn thing. Put another way: If I feel a need to eat an Ultimate Cheeseburger* occasionally, does that automatically mean I am unsatisfied culinarily with my wife? What they want to hear: Yes. Automatically. Don’t blame yourself, though - thanks to the evils of pornography, no woman will ever satify his dirty dirty lust lust lust ever again. Leave him.
*[sub]not since they ruined it, but that’s another thread. :)[/sub]
Just a nitpick here, but some of the posts make it sound like if women don’t approve of porn, they are somehow missing out on “hot, dirty sex”. Or, they don’t masturbate if they don’t like porn. That isn’t necessarily so. …And here’s where I say some really personal stuff, which I’ve never done online before! (And I can’t believe I’m about to say this!)
I don’t bother with porn. It just doesn’t work for me. But I masturbate reguarly. I don’t fantasize when I masturbate. I just concentrate on how my body is feeling and that does it for me. Trying to think about anything else is actually a distraction. Additionally, I must say that I don’t often look at someone (in real life, I mean) and get horny thinking about what they might be like to go to bed with. So, by some people’s definitions, I must have a very low sex-drive. But that’s not so. I just find I don’t need any outside source to get in the mood.
I also have really good sex and I like all sorts of different things. I like experimentation and I like “hot, dirty sex”.
Anyway, just wanted to say that because I felt some of the posts indicated a woman without porn is boring and missing out.
Men watch porn for a variety of reasons. They usually hide it because their spouse or significant other disapproves or he thinks they disapprove.That is why I did it.
1.)As stated above men are more visual and this is what turns them on. I used to view it and and imagine me and the wife in these situations.
2.) If a wife finds her mate sneaking about “anything” they should talk about it and work on the problem.
3.) Is an automatic problem? Nothing is automatic but I believe it can be if it becomes habitual. Something bad in the relationship is going on.
Even if your wife is a gourmet cook, haven’t you ever passed a pizza parlor and thought, “That smells good. I could sure go for a slice right now.”?
Heck, even if you’re not all that hungry, if someone offered you a slice of pizza, mightn’t you say, “What? Oh… hey sure, why not?”
Even if it isn’t high quality pizza? Even if it’s mediocre stuff from a chain like Pizza Hut? Yep… even then, one is likely to think, “Hey, pizza is pizza… even when it’s not great, it’s still pretty good.”
I don’t make any excuses for cheating- I’ve never done it, and hope I never will. But I think most men will acknowledge that, at a biological, hormonal level, the urge is constantly there.
We don’t HAVE to act on those urges, obviously, just as we don’t HAVE to have a slice of pizza every time we pass a pizza parlor. But don’t ever dismiss lightly how tempting the idea can be.
Am I the only one who thinks that these husbands and wives define ‘willing’ a little bit differently?
In Annie Hall there’s a ‘split screen’ scene where Woody Allen and Diane Keaton are in their shrinks offices. Each shrink is asking the same question to the patient.
“How often are making love?”
Allen’s response: “Almost never. Maybe twice a week”.
Keaton’s response: “Constantly. Maybe twice a week”
My wife is a type-II diabetic. Her condition and her meds effect her libido (lowering it). I, on the other hand, am and have always been a horndog. I’d have sex daily, or more, if I could. However, I find it incredibly unsatisfying when she just goes through the motions, so to speak. In other words, I only want to make love with her when she’s in the mood too.
Porn is, therefore, a way to get some release and relief without finding other modes. It makes the whole, um…process quicker and more enjoyable for me, and I don’t go drop $100 for a “relaxing massage.”
To echo spooje, I think that “willing” is a relative term.
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer to this one. The real question for each couple is, “What do you believe about this? What are your shared values, and how do they speak to this?”
We’ve been over this underlying theme in threads about infidelity, polyamory, and the like. Some couples are perfectly comfortable in various sorts of ‘open’ relationships. And if that works for them, that’s fine with me. For me, to have sex with another woman than my wife would be an act of infidelity. What we have here are two different moral universes. This isn’t to say either one is better or worse; they’re just different places in a very real sense, even though we all inhabit the same physical planet.
Same with pornography. What it means for one member of a couple to look at porn depends on the values the couple shares, and how those values relate to pornography.
If it turns out the husband and wife have significantly different underlying values, that’s a much deeper problem. A couple doesn’t have to agree on every last question of right and wrong, but their marriage isn’t going to work if their values are fundamentally different. And they’re the only ones who can decide what’s fundamental.
