That makes perfect sense. What if you look at counselling as “learning to deal with the difficult people in your life” lessons, and to hell with what your husband and step-daughter think about it? Maybe try looking at counselling for yourself as a treat for you - somewhere you get to go that is just for you, that totally focuses on you, where you get to rant and vent as much as you want.
I just thought of one other thing - I’m pretty sure nobody in your life is trying to make you unhappy on purpose. They’re doing what they’re doing for their own reasons to try to get what they want out of life. Another reason for counselling is that you get an outside perspective that can really help you see the larger picture.
Hmph…I suggested methods like this earlier and was criticized for it.
Doesn’t matter, though…it seems absolutely none of the suggestions in this post, helpful or not, are being taken to heart, or even considered. We might as well be talking to a brick wall.
For all the complaining [bold]cruel butterfly[/bold] is doing about her daughter, she;s doing the exact same thing to us…I say pot, meet kettle.
You want this situation to change, something about YOU has to change, period. Your stepdaughter is not goingt o magically realize how crappy she’s been treating you (well, at least not for another 10 years), nor is your husband going to wake up one day and realize that he’s a screaming asshole for patronizing you (where’s this wonderful man you told us about?) about it all. Get the couselling because YOU NEED IT, maybe it’ll even help you develop the right attitude to set your family straight.
I went back and read the post to which you referred. Where did I criticize your point of view, though? I couldn’t find any response I gave that said anything like that. Maybe I should’ve at least acknowledged your post.
How do you know for sure that I am not “taking to heart” any of the suggestions that I have gotten here? You don’t live my life. You don’t know anything about me other than what you’ve gleaned from this thread. Just because I am not acknowledging every single piece of advice that has been offered doesn’t mean I don’t think things over within the context of others’ points of view once I log off.
In addition, I don’t believe I have ever said that I think of my husband as a “screaming asshole” either. That would be unfair. He is a wonderful man. This is one issue that we have between us that is going to need some work, granted, but I certainly haven’t let myself go so far as to say he is an asshole. That would be kinda counterproductive, don’t you think?
It sure is easy to take all kinds of things at face value when we are in a position to pick apart each word that someone says rather than to look at everything together in context.
I wasn’t referring to you criticizing me, I was referring to another poster.
How do I know you’re not taking to heart the suggestions? I dunno, I didn’t see you agree with any of them, or do anything other than bemoan the fact that you’re just a nice person who gets taken advantage of. This is a message board, the only way we know you’re listening is if you acknowledge us…
Screaming asshole might be a little harsh, but I’m sorry, if your husband refuses to see how much difficulty this is causing you, and refuses to help, then you’ll have to understand that I don’t think highly of him.
And again you’re dismissing everything I’ve said with your wistful last remark…
As a rule, I tend not to comment in these types of threads. I make an exception here because I really want to point out that this is a huge emergency drop everything right this very second and deal with it problem.
I cannot think of a single situation where my wife would need to “convince” me that something is going on. If she tells me that something happened, I assume that it is direct handed down from above Truth! and that it is probably carved in stone on the side of a mountain somewhere or perhaps written in one of the books of the Bible that I haven’t gotten around to reading yet. I am serious. This is a major big deal. As in it looks as if your husband may not respect you and that his daughter is modeling that behavior.
I am wondering, Cruel Butterfly, how does your husband deal with your son? The one that he acquired at age 3? Is it the same situation in reverse, or has he managed to find a way to relate without dragging you into the middle? I know from reading this thread (all of it) that you consider your son to be well behaved, with the exception of those bad habits that your stepdaughter is teaching him, but there still must be occasions when your husband doesn’t see him as quite so wonderful. How do you guys handle those times? Maybe the same thing would work in reverse with the daughter.
I’m betting it’s fairly close to how your step daughter might describe the situtation. And it’s also how (to some degree) you are coming across in this thread.
The thread is about your step daughter. Thus, I am guessing that it is characteristic of how your relations with her play out.
Don’t take my advice if you don’t want to. Don’t even read it. But, as I said before, the idea that this is 100% the way you see it is not working out so well for you. Therefore, maybe, you might want to consider a different take on it.
Different people have different situations. Nothing to do with this specific situation, but as a general rule if you’ve got an overly dramatic or somewhat paranoid spouse, you need to be sure that the realities of the situation correspond the description before taking action. Not everyone can count on what their spouse tells them to be literal truth, and many have learned this the hard way.
I was going to suggest this. It doesn’t sound like your husband either believes you or takes you seriously on this subject. And until he demands that his daughter treat you with respect you will get nowhere.
Hide a camera or a cassette player and tape what you can to show your husband. Unless he becomes your ally in this, I can’t see this marriage lasting.
Quit trying to work on her, and work on your husband. If she sees the two of you as a united front, and knows that her nonsense will not be tolerated, and could be punished, things might improve quickly.
You don’t need to win over Heather. You need to win over your husband. Then you can both win her over.
Cruel Butterfly - Do you reall see how you see yourself, or perhaps how you come across? The follow are direct quotes from your own posts.
Climb off the cross, honey. I’m sorry your kid is a brat. I’m sorry your husband isn’t supporting you. But this passive “oh, poor me, I’m everybody’s doormat” is your own responsibility. And you’ve let it go on for 5 years. So now you wonder why it continues? You’re apparently a saint. I haven’t you praise anybody but yourself. Oh, and your children.
As far as suggestions - it’s time both the older children had chores they were responsible for. You husband has to agree to the chore idea. Perhaps your daughter can do her own laundry (teaching those essential life skills) and dinner one day a week. And your son can start doing the clearing the table and taking out the trash. These are visible thing your husband can see that they are doing or not doing. And you aren’t to do it for them.
That’s my best advice. Try to remember that everyone has good and bad. And that, know matter how you choose to see it, you aren’t totally right and she isn’t totally wrong, because that isn’t hte way the world is. Nothing is black and white, even if she is a brat (which I fully accept she is).
You know, the thing I find funny about this is that you refuse to acknowledge that you might have done something wrong. You have repeated over and over that you are a wonderful person who has done absolutely everything for this miserable brat of a stepchild, and now look at her not doing exactly what you want the minute you ask her. You tear yourself apart, trying to do everything you can and look at the ungrateful bitch, not even jumping to your commands. You’re making yourself out as a martyr, and I can’t stand martyrs.
You are putting the blame squarely on her. That’s WRONG. You then put the blame on your husband. That’s WRONG. You are also at fault here, and if you don’t acknowledge it, it will never change!
Frankly I find myself disliking you more and more every time you post. That’s because of a number of factors: you aren’t listening to anyone other than those saying “poor baby, throw that bastard of a husband out and smack that bitch”; you keep telling us how wonderful you are; the initial dialogue you posted (you were completely unreasonable to my point of view); and I am hearing my mother-in-law in every word you post. She thinks I’m an ungrateful bitch, too, even though she has tried so hard at earning my respect, and then she goes around telling everyone how awful I am since she was so wonderful to me for so many years. :rolleyes: I won’t go into all that here, suffice to say that you really don’t come off too well if you are reminding me of my mother-in-law.
I am still waiting for you to post something about how you were at fault in the conversation. You don’t think you were even a little unreasonable with your JUMP commands?
I’m compelled to jump in here and agree with the previous poster.
Im sorry, I’m sure you’re a great person in many settings - but when it comes to your step daughter you come off as 100% psycho-bitch.
Probably your hubbie doesn’t support you because he thinks you’re so off base. It would surprise me if he’s mentioned this to you a time or two but you’ve totally blown him off and not heard a word he’s said.
Here’s why I’ve come to this harsh judgement - your conviction that:
you can read your stepdaughter’s mind
you know her real motivation for why she does something
that motivation is wicked and selfish (she only changes the diaper to make herself look better) even though the act was helpful.
So you’ve managed not to just make her positive action a neutral event - you’ve made it out to be a bad thing. Many posters have mentioned that you could have caught her doing something right and said something positive and your response has pretty much been - she doesn’t deserve that from me because I know the real reason she changed the diaper and it’s bad and thus I’m not going to pretend I think it’s something onther that her evil manipulations.
Here’s the thing - sort of nice people, don’t do that!. So, since you do that (and have been doing it for 5 years straight it seems) I don’t buy any of your protests about what a nice person you are.
You’re very insecure in your parenting skills - and don’t seem to understand normal child development. Yes, people do go from being self-involved jerks who have no concept of consequences at 15 to great, compassionate human beings with out being taught. It’s pretty much human nature. Forget “teaching” her all these important life lessons. She doesn’t need them any more than she needed to be “taught” to walk or dress herself when she was a toddler. Model being a secure, happy, caring person. Use lots and lots of “I” statements as in:
“I feel like I’m not being respected when you won’t look at me when I’m talking to you.”
And - my number one piece of advice to anyone training kids or dogs - NEVER give a command that you can’t immediately enforce. Don’t ask twice.
Something else to keep in mind. In general, when people come to this message board to complain about their interactions with other people, we (the readers of this message board) pick holes in their complaints.
This means that if your stepdaughter were to post her side of this story- there would be a bunch of posts telling her what an ungrateful brat she was and that she should finish a job when she started it, and that if she didn’t like the way you do housework she should do housework herself and a million and one other things that would be music to your ears.
But she didn’t post the thread, you did. You are the only person whose attitude we can try to influence and so you are the person whose attitude we are trying to influence. I’m not without sympathy to your feeling of maltreatment by your stepdaughter and maybe your husband, but at some level, here on the board you are coming across as a martyr. We don’t like martyrs. We can be incredibly nasty towards self-made martyrs. But for the most part, people aren’t trying to be nasty.
i am only up to reply 48 of this thread, and I have observed a few things
yes, some posters seem to be focusing on the incident rather than the pattern, but don’t snap at them - they don’t know the whole 5 year story - they only know the little bit you’ve posted here. They are not ‘Heather’.
You love DH more than any other man, yeet you have not mentioned how intendely he feels for you. It seems to me he is lacking in the ability to show his feelings, and that he fears alienating his daughter (who may go running to mama weeping about how horrible dad has become, thus precipitating an encounter with his ex that he dreads) And as far as mom not being able to oversee Heather’s schoolwork - apparently, from what you’ve posted here he’s not doing any better.
you seem to expect all of us to take your side by virtue of the fact that we are all SD-ers - Ain’t gonna happen, lady.
If this “pattern of disrespect” has gone on thru the whole 5 years, it may be too late for family therapy, or couples therapy - but it is never too late for you. Only you can make the choice: stay in the marriage and get yourself some help dealing with the situation or get out while you still have some sanity and realize you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, or let them love you
From her pespective: you stepped into this girl’s life and told her that the values that she had been taught (by the people she loves most) were wrong. What did you expect? That she would betray her mother and father to learn at your feet?
Even if you were her bio-mom, I’d still say that 16 is too late. Her brain is literally wireddifferently than an adult’s. The parts that control critical thinking and reasoning are among the last to develop.
Stop dealing with her as you think she should be, and start recognizing who she actually is: an alien temporarily posessing the charming 11-year-old that you fell in love with.
YES! 11 was probably too late, much less 16. Your part in forming her character is done. Step back and let her pet the nice rattlesnake for herself.
Not at all. In fact, I’d rather you start that right away. And get some assertiveness training while you’re at it.
This is none of your business. I know it’s hard to see someone you care about (however conflicted your feelings are) make a mess of their life, but that is something everyone has to learn for his or her self. She is already resistant to you- pushing this lesson on her will only make her resistant to it as well.
I know that you know this. You sound like an intelligent and caring woman. I just think that you lack the objectivity to see your own situation- another reason to see a counselor.
Exactly. Hold on to this thought. Give her a written list of the duties that you expect her to do. Make sure they are realistic and enforced- make sure consult with your husband on this so that she can’t divide you anymore. As long as she is following the list and being civil to you, ignore her character “flaws”. The best you can expect at this point is a strained tolerance- on both sides.
Let it go, for your own sake. And your son’s- he needs his mom to be sane
