Deciding to get fancy for dinner tonight, I made chicken cordon bleu. So I pound the breasts flat and add the Swiss cheese and ham. After breading, they’re ready to pop in the hot oil to get the outside nice and brown before putting in the oven. Everything is going well enough, the chicken is looking nice and brown on the outside, and all of a sudden I hear BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Then it stops for a second, giving me just enough time to think “Ah, shit, not that stupid smoke detector again.” Yep, my stupid hyperactive smoke detector didn’t like the fact that I was frying something. So I finish up that breast and get ready to add the next one. The detector stops beeping, I think “Thank God,” and I put the next breast in the frying pan. Not three seconds later, what do I hear? BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! And it continues on and on and on. Even for 10 minutes after I’m done frying and the breasts are in the oven. So fuck you, smoke detector. I’m about ready to get in there and yank out your battery and sell the Am-241 to the Iranians.
Oh, and a second fuck you to the architect who designed this house with no ventilation.
If the detector is mounted on the kitchen ceiling, move it to an area outside the kitchen near a doorway leading to it. This won’t, as many think, reduce the effectiveness of the alarm in the event of a kitchen fire, but it should cut back significantly on nuisance triggers, such as this.
The detector is in the hallway. As this is a small house, it’s the only place it can be, as that puts it next to both bedrooms. Unfortunately, it also puts it only 20 feet away or so from the kitchen.
Bummer. The only other thing I can suggest, other than cutting a hole through the exterior wall of the kitchen to install an exhaust fan, is to try a different smoke detector. There are models available which are specifically designed for use near kitchens (and bathrooms, too, Contrapuntal). These models have a “silence” button, which either disables or desensitizes the alarm for some period of time, typically around 10 minutes, so you can finish cooking without being bothered. Here is one such unit.
Two of the four smoke detectors in my recently purchased house went off if I toasted bread. I violently ripped them out of the ceiling. The stupid security system required an electrician to fix the damage. The remaining two work well enough
If it makes you feel better, my smoke alarms are completely fucked up. They’re all connected so it’s a big ordeal to disable them all, which makes it extra fun. Not only do they randomly chirp a bit here and there, but they went off completely a THREE FUCKING THIRTY AM Wednesday night.
Unless you had a HUGE smoke dectector, the AM241 would be useless. You would need about 40-50 pounds of it, and I would think the Iranians have a better source of fissionable material; the most likely result of your offer is to laugh in your face.
IE: I was drunk and fucked-up. The building manager made me replace what I damaged, by using an expensive electrician. (Which they may or may not have charged me for…I have not yet decided to answer this.)
My smoke alarms are, by law, connected to the mains with battery backups. Recently I finally put them back up after putting in new batteries and using high pressure air to blast them clean. Last night, well sometime early morning really, the one at the top of the stairs started the chirping that had made me take it down before.
My guest, who was awoken by it, was most impressed when I walked out of the bedroom, leapt up like Alonzo Mourning blocking a layup and slapped it down the stairwell. I still had to track it down to get the battery but considering how hard they are to get up I was surprised by my success.
Why do all my cooking-related pit threads wind up with me being asked for a recipe?
Fairly basic recipe. Pound the chicken breasts as flat as possible (I keep seeing recipes that call for getting them down to 0.25" but I can never do that–personally, I blame the fact that the only thing I have that kinda works is a claw hammer, which doesn’t have a large area to work with) inside a sheet of plastic wrap. Add a slice of Swiss cheese, a slice of ham, fold the breast over to seal it as best as possible. Dredge it through flour, wet it with egg, and coat it in bread crumbs with Italian seasoning. Fry it in hot oil until both sides are nice and brown, then bake it in a 400 or 425 degree oven for 20-30 minutes. I use a borosilicate baking dish that I spray with a nonstick cooking spray (instead of using vegeatable shortening.)
In an attempt to keep the fat content down some, I don’t use a sauce.
Hey, it’s hard to come up with a way to threaten a smoke detector.
I happened to find myself drinking with 2 chefs recently and during the course of the evening they gave some cooking tips:
Chicken breasts are crappy and dry usually (your cordon bleu will be exempted due to the ham and cheese to keep them moist) so they should always be marinated. If you don’t have a sauce that they are being cooked in chuck them in lightly salted water and they comne out more succulent.
Always flatten them a little so that the breast is of roughly even thickness but no need to pound them out like schnitzels.
Whenever you double something over beware that you are creating something twice the thickness. This is the reason you mash down the edges of pastry - not to seal it but to make the joined edges the same thickness as the rest so it cooks.
I’m sort of in the middle of an experiment to see how long I can go without cleaning my house. It involves a lot of drinking, keeping the blinds closed, turning on only one light at a time, pretending the dog hair is a throw rug, etc. I’m afraid dragging out the vacuum cleaner would start me on a path that literally has no end in sight.
(Grumble.) OK. I’ll try it. As well as look into Q.E.D.'s advice. You realize that if I clean my house I am liable to keep it that way. Pretty soon I’ll be inviting chicks over for dinner. Before I know it I’ll be in a relationship. Which of course only leads to heartache and despair. Why do you wish such sadness my way? What have I ever done to you?
Augh! Yes. I live in a college dorm. Each room has a smoke detector, and they’re wired into the building’s system, with a backup battery. Which, if it is not at 90% charge or above, will cheerfully exhaust the rest of the batteries charge with chirping. Every ten minutes. Nonstop.
What you’re supposed to do in that case is call Buildings and Grounds, file a work request, and wait an average of a week for them to come and replace it. They won’t bring their own step-stool, they’ll just stomp their snow-and-dirt covered boots all over your desk chair. And then they won’t lock your bloody door on their way out.
One would think you could just take the battery out, but no. It continues chirping.
Why the hell is this necessary? It’s a dorm room - it’s not like a fire is going to start where I can’t see it. If the power goes out, and if I light a candle or something in my room, and if I leave that candle burning while I’m out, and if a magical pixie knocks over said candle and if it lands on something flammable and ignites it, then I guess it would be good to have that backup.
