Yes, you. The one mouse hovering the title thread, fresh off the rush you just got from castigating some dickhead who had the temerity to buck your self-congratulatory consensus.
Admit it. You used the T-word.
It doesn’t matter if you’re a spineless pansy-ass liberal fuckwit who just can’t understand that the world is a bad place and sometimes some prospectless young shop-class ingenue has to lose a leg and be a posterchild for man’s inhumanity to man.
Or maybe you’re a god-fearing American, and Jesus told you in the bible that those faggots are doomed to a lake of fire, but as long as they’re here we should make them understand that they’re essentially Hitler but with AIDS. And also those brown people think they get to fuck virgins in Heaven (yeah right, God don’t have no truck with crazy dome churches or supply-side economics).
You might even be a pseudo-intellectual compensating for your life’s failures by pumping yourself up on an anonymous message board which gives you that sense of community you crave but are too much of a coward to reach for in real life, and instead patrol the mean streets of the internets in search of unrealized pedantry that you can breathe the spark of life into.
Whatever.
Either way, you called someone a troll. You don’t even know what troll means or where it came from. You’ve got some idea that it’s that guy, the one who has the crazy ideas about religion, or politics, or the nature of the space-time manifold. You can’t believe that this motherfucker is for reals, yo. What kind of totally incompetent braindead nub could hold those views? It’s Just. Not. Possible.
They deserve it. Call them a troll. It encapsulates all of your rage at having your worldview opposed, your utter disdain for the intellectual capacities of those who dare to disbelieve, and your fear and shock at having yet another fake community consensus-based circle jerk interrupted Full. Stop. like the internet equivalent of your mom walking into the room to see you with a feather duster protruding from your rectum, just as you blow your not-quite-Emeril-style essence all over the picture of Bea Arthur in last month’s copy of Redbook. (Alternatively, it could be your little brother busting open your door, accompanied by his entire soccer team, at the vital moment of your marathon Jewel CD, unicorn poster, bodice ripper tossed to the floor like the shredded remains of a fat woman’s chocolate wrapper, pillow humping “me time”.)
I understand your pain. There are a lot of utter fucking retards. Some are even right here on this board. They say stupid things, and worse, they mean them! It’s enough to make anyone crazy. But you, you smug bastard, you need to shut the fuck up with your cries of “Troll!” as shorthand for your own argumentative shortcomings. It’s doubly arrogant to pull out the T-word; you’re accusing them of saying stuff just to be disruptive, because it is inconceivable that someone could honestly disagree with the absolute platonic perfection of your outlook on the world.
You know what’s fucking annoying? A bunch of people hanging out in the pit, participating in the latest big fucking group hug – “A guy in line at the cafeteria was mean to me, let’s all post little testimonials about psycho rednecks so we can feel better about ourselves” or “Those fuckers who put the toilet paper roll in the wrong way, let’s commiserate, and like attendees of an AA meeting in the mission district, we’ll overcome together and turn it all around”.
Hell, we get these biscuit parties in the middle of actual debates. Sometimes, someone needs to step up and say what needs to be said, usually: “Quit whining, you inbred hemophiliac crybaby, and take it like a man or do what the other adults do, which is to drown your troubles in a bottle of cheap booze. Pardon me while I cry myself to sleep over my 6 figure student loan debt, as I don’t want to minimize the impact of you having to include your estranged mother’s frankly sub-median income on your FAFSA form.”
But it’s not until 5 or 6 of the usually moronic suspects step in to deliver their supposedly droll pronouncements of sentence that things take the turn. One by one, like a fat ponytailed army of acne-ridden GURPS players that wondered into the Adult Entertainment Expo by mistake, you step up to take your best shot. And the predictable result occurs: “I’m, like totally into GRUPS. If you buy Ass Pirates: the Quest for the Golden Booty, episodes 8 through 19, I’ll be able to afford a trip to Boise to play D&D with you while wearing an outfit that totally shows my boobs!” Cue sales. (Usually followed by sotto voce exhortations to one’s fellow mutants that one would not “hit that”, as she probably has a disease – yeah, and I am totally fucking turning down that Nobel Peace Prize next year.)
Well, maybe not. After all, your one-line troll accusations (always “served” with the classic pairings: go home, move out of your mom’s house, STFU, you’re worthless, you’re not really an X) don’t even have the ability to move last years porn titles and save a busty yet petite blonde from having to make that movie where she has to fuck a few ugly guys with small cocks just to keep the dream alive for the fans.
Nope, your little cries of “Troll!” are literary speedbumps. And when I say speedbumps, I’m actually using the slang term for herpes. Here’s a solution: either ignore these “trolls” or argue with them. Because your vague drive-by dismissals are doing nothing more but annoying others while you demonstrate that you can’t even hang with the J.V. when it comes to posting something other people want to read (I realize a lot of you actually do want to read affirmations of how right you are, but you douchebags are the subject of another, though related, post.)
Step up and put your tits on the anvil (I was going to say balls, but that might be sexist), or sit down and shut the fuck up, you troll-calling peanut-gallery goat ropers. If you can’t say something nice, say something fucking hideous. Or say something intelligent. But please, if you can’t come up with more than a one-liner about trolls, there’s no need to prove how smart you aren’t.
