Hit me you smug goatfucker! Come on and HIT ME!

The BBQ Pit
1

Yeah, I saw you in your big fuckin’ white serial-killer van, making your illegal left turn against the light. I saw you heading right for me where I was in the crosswalk (crossing legally, mind), and I watched you finally pull your head out of your ass and slam on your brakes in time to avoid hitting me. Fine, I thought… shitty driver.

Oh, but then you made it worse. Gripping your steering wheel and peering over it (how short are you anyway?), you give me the dirtiest look you can muster through your flabby face and wave me impatiently on. Gosh, I’m sorry, was it my fault for being in a crosswalk when you decided to get yourself in a big hurry? Am I that hard to miss? I’m six-foot-six and 270 pounds last I checked… did you really just not see me in the crosswalk? Maybe you thought I jumped out in front of your van as a practical joke? Was I intruding upon your busy day of breaking traffic laws and raping women in your big white van? Was the body in back starting to decompose, and offend your delicate senses?

Tell you what, jerkoff… next time, just go on and hit me when you see me in the crosswalk. Just speed it up and roll right over me. Your imagination may be too small to see what would happen, but mine isn’t. Let me tell you about it.

In movies, when a car hits someone, the person flops over the hood and rolls up the windshield, and the car keeps going with nary a dent. You may be under the mistaken impression that this is what happens in real life too, but I’m no trained Hollywood stuntman and you sure as shit don’t have the skill of a trained stunt driver. I’ve seen the aftermath of vehicle-pedestrian accidents, and they’re never that pretty.

If a van like yours hits a big guy like me at speed, I’ll definitely be hurt. So will your van. Where the first impact would be, my hips and legs would probably be broken. The van’s hood would be smashed in, and quite probably the radiator too, along with anything else that happens to be in the way. My blood will get spattered all over the headlights (which will most likely be broken), the grill, and that ugly hood ornament. My head was just at the right height to whack into the windshield, where it would probably smash in the safety glass, causing a good gash on my head which would spray blood all over the glass, and hopefully all over the interior of your van and over your stupid, gawping face.

And people like you – impatient, rude people – never bother to think of the consequences, do they? And there would be consequences, believe me. Legal consequences… license suspended, heavy fines, maybe a some jail time if it was bad enough. But even worse, for you… you can be sure that I (or my wife and kids) would be suing your ass off. Medical bills, of course, and pain, and suffering, and lots and lots of “fuck you” money.

So yeah, next time you’re feeling like you own the road in your big, ugly, smelly white van, and you see me crossing the road in front of you, don’t even bother slowing down. Hit me full on and see what happens. I’ll do my damndest to make sure you taste my blood on your lips before we’re done, to make sure it splashes onto your eyeballs and makes you see red-tinged for the rest of your life. And then, just to fuck you a little more, I’ll sap you of everything you have and more. I’ll ruin you. It’ll be the worst day of your life. I’ll make sure of it.

Think of that, next time you get impatient with somebody you nearly run down. Fucker.

2

Last time that happened to me I was with my girlfriend. I slammed my boot through the grill of the car and walked away. But yeah …I hate it when people look at you like you are just in the way.

3

Don’t you just love petulant pedestrians? :smiley:

4

And now everybody thinks Wal-Mart parking lot rules / courtsies apply anywhere, cross walk or not.

Well, 6-6 and 270 can kick in grills if he wants to but…:smiley:

5

That is an excellent rant, brother. My revenge fantasies tend to entail wishing bloody bodily harm on the offender, but I like your twist. The self-sacrifice aspect, well, it’s very noble, and frankly it makes me a little weepy. :sniff!:

6

Kambucta…Perhaps I should have been a little more specific. My gf at the time was carrying her three year old son. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if I almost ran down three pedestrians (one of which was carrying a child)…I would not expect a friendly wave and a hand shake.

7

In other cities, I understand that they cross at green lights and don’t cross at red lights.

In Montreal we do it a little differently: we cross when there aren’t cars and don’t cross when there are cars.

I like our system better.

8

I like that system too. Unfortunately, even by those rules I would have been at risk yesterday, as I was well in the crosswalk before Mr. White Van whipped into his left turn.

Weird thing is (as I’m sure you could tell), despite the fact that I was really very nearly run over, I completely skipped fear and hit rage hard. This is rare for me… I rarely get angry so easily. What can I say, it had been a rough day at work. :mad:

9

Heh. Having been to Montreal several times, while your drivers and pedestrians aren’t the worst, they’re definately the craziest.
“How far is it across Rene-Levesque Blvd.? We don’t know. No one’s ever made it.”

10

That’s funny on so many levels.

11

Avalonian!

(I’m assuming you’re the same Avalonian from the KWFC)

I’m glad you are okay…

12

Raygun: I know. The last time I went to visit my Torontonian ex, it was very amusing.

Crossing the street in front of the bus station:

“What are you doing??!!”
“Uh, crossing the street.”
“But the light’s red!”
“But there aren’t any cars.”
“But the light’s red!”
“But there aren’t any cars.”

13

Try crossing the street in Belize City. No stop lights or speed limits to hinder the motorist…

14

I am, and thanks! I’m glad too. :slight_smile:

15

"we cross when there aren’t cars and don’t cross when there are cars. "

EHEHEHEH! That’s how I do it. It’s true in Greece too. Only…from what I’ve witnessed, people tend to cross just about anywhere.