HO!, Ho!, Ho!
Well, kiddies! I think I can fill all your stockings with your special Christmas wishes (except Byz who will be getting a “special” surprise this year). Ho, Ho, Ho!! (That’s a special hello for all the “hos” out there)
Santa
No special order for me Santa, Im just gonna enjoy sitting on your lap 
I opened the door, and look who I found. Damn I’m good
I want:
- A minimum wage for elves.
- Overtime pay for the aforementioned elves.
- Regular government inspections of your workshop for safety conditions.
- Non-discrimination laws for draft animals to be drawn up and enforced immediately. Current reports of prejudice against certain nasa characteristics must be investigated, and the perpetrators must be given a fair and impartial trial.
- Equal rights and importance must be given to Mrs. Claus, who has traditionally been relegated to a subservient role.
- Equal labor opportunities for the south pole. The north pole monopoly of holiday craft employment is yet another indication of the bias inherent in the system.
- End of holiday prejudice. Other religious/secular holidays that traditionally require gift-giving will be supported by “Santa, Inc.”
Please comply with these demands immediately.
Quand les talons claquent, l’esprit se vide.
Maréchal Lyautey
Change that to
- Non-discrimination laws for draft animals to be drawn up and enforced immediately. Current reports of prejudice against certain nasal characteristics must be investigated, and the perpetrators must be given a fair and impartial trial.
Hey! Who told???
-Melin
I stole Santa’s magic snowball, so I know if you’ve been good or bad.
Meat flaps.
You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.
Santa,if a guy named Squirlcub comes by,don’t let him sit on your lap!
Dear Santa:
I want a boyfriend who is:
Loving, supportive, intelligent, cooperative, wanting to have children, honest, open, reasonably free of hangups, artistic, reasonable about money (neither chintzy nor a spendthrift), responsible, attractive to me (& I’m not expecting Sean Connery) and finds my zaftig figure sexy.
If you can’t find him on such short notice, I’ll settle for getting laid!
Hell, I’d be happy to get kissed by a drunk in a bar right about now.
I promise, I’ve been good all year - of course, I haven’t had a chance to be bad…
Zyada
Ha! Ha! Ha!.. Er… I mean Ho! Ho! Ho!
Santa will see what he can do, but don’t get your hopes up.
Dear Santa,
I can explain…
Dear Santa…I want my old metabolism back!
MaryAnn
No, stupid, it’s a boat!
Santa, I want a million dollars. Well, either that or the movie Undercover Blues.
Your Official Cat Goddess since 10/20/99.
“I get along well with everybody.” --I.M.F.
Santa, I ain’t been so good this year, but I’m gonna ask any way. Nuttin’ ventured, nuttin’ gained, yadda yadda…
I would really like a new set of instruments for home surgery. The old kitchen knives and vise grips are gettin’ a bit hard to sterilize these days.
Thanks. Oh, and where’s that cold Pabst Cheif Scott ordered for me? My glass is getting a bit empty.
“There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.”
~P.J. O’Rourke~
Santa,
Please don’t drink and drive your moped like you did the first time you came to my home, a home far away from here. I saw you ride away in your santa suit from the window.
sunbear,
Santas fat ass hasn’t fit on that moped in many, many years. These days I ride around on a big old Harley. I’ll try not to tear your lawn up too bad.
Santa
Santa, I’ve been really good this year. What can I expect from you?
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge…others just gargle.
Santa, I want to snitch on a fellow regular, Zette. She’s been very naughty. Don’t give her any presents at all.
Quand les talons claquent, l’esprit se vide.
Maréchal Lyautey
Let’s play ‘which Straight Dope regular is playing S. Claus?’, who registered on Dec 10 & has no Bio [Oh come on, S. Claus HAS a bio, duh, but this one don’t]…hmmm. My guess its a guy.
Handy, the cat is already out of the bag.
http://www.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum4/HTML/003280.html
“There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.”
~P.J. O’Rourke~