Chief - thanks for the thought, but let’s have Santa hold off on that helping of respect. I got a reputation to uphold.
This year I want a temporary gift. Just for a while, maybe two or three weeks, I want to know what it feels like to be hung like John Holmes. After the gift period expires you can add the extra back on and I’ll never complain again.
And for the Chief - bring him a one year supply of Kiwi shoe polish, no holes.
The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. – E. Grebenik
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -with amazing calm -call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on
the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays because he would have to get under
every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can’t possible be a man:
Men can’t pack a bag
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened…having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don’t answer their mail
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowl full of jelly” * Men aren’t interested
in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them -Finally, being responsible for
Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men…
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. But St. Nick, not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, and faith , and Elvis’s “Blue Christmas” it
probably makes little difference what gender Santa is… But WE know the truth!!!
But a friend of mine had a good rebuttal
Santa must be a guy:
What gal would stop enjoying a cup of milk and hot cookies by a warm fireplace in a cozy home for the opportunity to travel through a blizzard in an open sleigh? What gal would think going down a chimney is fun? What gal would be dumb enough to play on a roof covered with snow?
The reindeer are more like a man’s dog. We don’t shoot our own dogs. (However, the neighbor’s is another story, which is why there is only one Santa.)
Regarding the suit: Obviously, being married to Mrs. Claus is a package deal. I wear the ties and shirts my wife buys me, no matter how outragous.
I know I went over the edge a while ago concerning posters with multiple names, but some of them are pretty funny. This is one of them. Too bad it didn’t run longer; it had great potential. I was more pissed at the jerks who use additional names to defend themselves.
Now, can you tell us who is posting as “God?”
“There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.”
~P.J. O’Rourke~
So, will this post bring you to the brink of madness? Notice how cleverly this screen name disguises my identity! You will never guess which other screen name I use, also in this thread.
“There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.”
~P.J. O’Rourke~
That isn’t quite right though is it? Jacques Raymond? Raymond Jacques?
How do you expect Santa to find you if you keep changing your name?
“There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.”
~P.J. O’Rourke~
Then I registered using A. von Winkelried. Right afterwards, I read that the name (of the swiss independence guy) was Arnold Winkelried, not Arnold von Winkelried. So I had to do it a third time. The username JRK was deleted by webmaster@straightdope.com
What makes you think I want Santa to find me? I have an electric heater, so I have no use for lumps of coal.
Quand les talons claquent, l’esprit se vide.
Maréchal Lyautey
“There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.”
~P.J. O’Rourke~
I’m so confused. Santa is a cross-dresser and Satan is getting his/her mail?!
Well, ptui, I spit. First people are agitating for the elves to unionize, then we get into gender-bending and religious wrong addresses.
Hey, it’s a goddamned festive holiday and Santa is a commerically touted icon! There was even a blurb in what passes for our newspaper that Holland, home of a certain drunken, bent and loquacious poster. Seems the Dutch traditionally have some guy in a bishop’s hat or something medieval and even they are succumbing to our crass old coot in moldy red velvet and a fake beard.
And now you’re saying he is a she and he (she, damn!) is probably a pedophile and…
That does it. I’m a gonna sit right down on Santa’s lap anyway (squish!) and talk over my wish list.
The fact that Zette may be helping with the correspondence for Santaon this board does not mean that Santa isn’t a real person with a separate identity.
Santa is very busy this time of year, and can use all the help he can get, especially with these newfangled computer thingies. But rest assured that these responses are coming from the authentic Saint Nick himself–Zette’s role is limited to checking the spelling and typing them in for him.
Zette – thank you for helping Santa. Can you tell him I’m sorry for my post? I thought he was calling me a “ho” I now understand that this is how he laughs. You don’t even want to KNOW what I did to that “red light” of Rudolphs…
So, if he will accept my apology, I’d like just one little thing this year: Control over time and space. Yeah, I’m not asking for much, but I haven’t been all that good this year. But this little item would really come in handy right about now! Thanks!