Santa Reads The Doper Mailbag

Dear Santa,

I’ve sent along a catalog that really only you should look at. Please note that the shackles on page 24 are NOT padded, and do not bring the shackles pictured below them which are.

Also, do you whip the reindeer? Or do they obey you without any prodding? If so, where’s the fun in that?


Arden Ranger

Dear Santa,

As I peruse my closet I see that I’m completely out of fuzzy bunnies AND duct tape. This will make birthdays and welcomes very difficult, and because I’m a student, I am strapped for cash right now. Could you help me out?



Dear Santa,

I’ll make it short. Send me a curvy, tan beach babe with a kick ass camel toe.

And a case of beer.

And a carton of smokes.

Yours in Christ,


Dear Santa

For Christmas I would like a Big Ass German guy, who knows how to smoke, only I don’t think I can wait till then.


Dear Santa,

I believe Anna Kournikova would slide down my chimney quite nicely.

                                      Yours in heat,

Dear Santa;

Nice coat.

As my bunnies were first vacuumed and then lagonapped, I find I need some more. Please make them cute and fuzzy. I also need some more body paint and massage oil.

Love and kisses,
alice in wonderland

Dear Santa:

I’d like a copy of How Things Work.

Wildest Bill

Dear Santa,

This Christmas I would like a Nobel Physics Prize.


Dear Santa,
I’ve been a good boy all year, can I please have a medium size knob polisher with perky headlights, a five speed gearbox and a plush seat. (any color)

If that’s too much to ask, I’d like 365 donuts.

Thank you,

Dear Santa,

Enough hormones so that Dionaea muscipula will grow large enough to eat Cecil Adams and all these other scumb…



Dearest Santa,

I’m looking to round out my collection and it seems all I’m missing is puce. I’d really, really like a puce Vibro-O-Matic, 2000, please.

Tremblingly yours,

Yo, Sants,

Check dis, I needs to git my crib phat. Drop me some spin-sets, yo. Some mad-fly turntables, bra.


Santa, darling,

It has come to my attention that there is a new, bigger, product available. If you could see it in your heart to bring me the New, Improved Butt-Plug of Ruination, I’d be ever-so grateful.


Dear Santa,

Any chance your elves know auto repair? If you could lend me one of them fellas for a few hours and have them fix the air-dam on my car, that would make my Holiday a good one.

I blame Chicago,

Dear Santa,

What I’d really like this Holiday Season are my files back. If you could get into my hard drive and do that for my, I’d give you what you’ve been asking for for months: cleavage on the webcam.

Think about it,

Dear Santa,

Please bring snow. Lots and lots of snow.
That is all.


ts Your writting to the wrong man, everyone knows . . .
*The snowman brings the snow . . . . *

Santa? Santa who? Sorry, wrong number.

Chaim Mattis Keller

No no no. Everyone knows it’s The Snow Miser. Sheesh.

Dear Santa,

You know what I really want this year: Peace on Earth, Goodwill toward Men.

Since that obviously ain’t gonna happen, how about a lifetime membership in the Massage of the Week Club?


Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a real pit thread. One with real self-righteous, overblown indignation and full of false claims and exaggerations and misstatements of fact. Something meaty, with my name on it.

Ever yours,


Deer Santa,

bring me brain. thank very much. If brain too much to ask for, tuna.

–Roger (Briminator’s roommate’s cat)

Dear Santa,

I know you’re going to find this a strange request, but I don’t know who else to turn to. I just want my roommate back. I want the bitching, kvetching, sarcastic, cranky PMSing, cramp-riddled housemate I’ve come to know and love. The person who is living here now looks like her, but she’s not complaining. There’s something not right. Please contact the body snatcher or aliens who took the real one and make them give her back. Lord, she is missed.


magdalene’s roommate

Dear Santa,

We’ll make this brief. We’d like an even bigger server, more common sense among the teeming millions, and an anonymous donor to make our subscription program unnecessary.


The Mods

P.S. We love the hottub from last year, but would it be too much to ask for another? We’re getting sick of sharing with Uncle Beer, who seems to find it hilarious to fart in it.

P.P.S If you do bring the new hottub, how about thong bikinis for the lady mods?


If you’re bringing thong bikinis for the Lady Mods, could you also take a webcam over? Thanks loads.

–The Teeming Millions

Dear Santa,
Please bring me a an autographed copy of Carl Sagan’s Demon Haunted World, and perhaps a slide rule if it isn’t too much trouble. BTW, do your reindeer fly in an infinitely recursive, or fractal growth [sym]F[/sym]-spiral when delivering presents?

Dear Santa

i would apreciate it very much if at some pointe in time you could find it in your heart and sould to do such a thing as consider me an maybe even decipher what i write here and help me to write comprehensibly.



Dear Santa,

I’d like a pre-paid subscription to Truckin’s SUV Magazine.

I would also like to SCORE!

May I have a pot and kettle? Both black?


Dear Santa,
Could I please have a lifetime subscription to O Magazine (you know, Oprah’s Magazine).

Love ya,

Dear Santa,
Could I please have sex, lots of sex, lots and lots of sex.
No wrapping needed.

Thanks in advance,

Dear Santa,
I need a stun-gun, Model X-56 to use on all those dopers that harrass me and follow me all over the board.

Love that hair, big guy,


Dear Santa,
Tuppaware, lots and lots, all shapes and sizes.

Yours truly,

Dear Santa,
A new hit record, well, first of all, the band that goes with it.

Singing for you,

Dear Santa,
Don’t let the board go to pay. This is all I want for Christmas.


Dear Santa,
Please let me grow up to be just like Ultress.



Dear Santa

Forget what I asked for before. In fact, you can forget bringing me anything at all for Christmas if you just do this one thing for me: please don’t let Ohio State be too humiliated this weekend.



Dear Santa,



Cara Santa,

Pervolam gladium perscitum et micans.


Dear Santa,

I’m a easy-going kind of guy. I could ask for some new pants or something. But it’s christmas, so they’d have to be special pants. Well, fairly special pants. I mean, I wouldn’t want you going all-out for me. You hardly know me. Lets not rush into things here. Sheesh.

Rue, Letter Guy
PS. The Little Woman[sup]TM[/sup] would like some stilts.