Santa Reads The Doper Mailbag

Thank you, Fran, I was hoping someone would get to Rue, and I couldn’t think of anything funny enough. You were perfect.

Dear Santa,

All I want is a hat with a feather in it. You know, to match my purse (or is it a satchel) and my cane.

Masculinly yours,


Dear Santa,

One thing. That’s all I ask for Christmas. IMHO Prom King/Class Clown.

Enough Said,


Dear Santa,

I would love it if you could bring me
something for my huge, gravitational head.

Joey H

Dear Santa:

Please make my husband’s sex drive stop. I’m tired.

Love, Persephone

Dear Santa:

Please, please, for the love of God, make all the Hot Doper Wimmens chase someone else. I’m tired of being treated like a piece of meat.

Love, UncleBill

Dear Santa:

If it’s not too much to ask, would you give me cooking lessons? I’m tired of Jack In The Box and frozen waffles.

Love, JavaMaven

Dear Santa:

Please find me a 65 year old man with no man-boobs, and no sex drive. I am tired of hot young things buzzing about and interrupting my dream-catcher-making time. Also, bring me some fried chicken.

Love, MamaHen

Dear Santa:

I would like for the sports channels that broadcast to my area to just go away. They get in the way of my figure-skating watching time, and I am not following Oksana Baiul’s career closely enough.

Love, Weirddave

Dear Santa:

I would like some new velcro gloves this year.

Love, Scylla

Dear Santa:

Please bring me an unlimited supply of freaky cyber-stalker dudes from the middle east. I can’t get enough of them. Also, cleavage would be nice, if you have room in your sack. Oh, and a job that allows me more time to spend at the Straight Dope, too.

Love, GingerOfTheNorth

Looks like Santa came early this year, eh? You should know better than to tempt a man wearing Scarlet and Grey [sub](okay, so it’s red and fire-place ash, but still…)[/sub].

Dear Santa:

All I want for Christmas is my foreskin back.


Jack Dean Tyler

Damn you! Damn you straight to the fiery depths of hell, MEBuckner!!

Dear Santa:
All I want is catnip, lots and lots of tummyrubs, and plenty of caviar.

P.S. and can you get my friend Wind Sorceress a spell-compatible computer? Thank you very much :slight_smile:

Dear Santa,

I wanna be a big movie star. Telenovelas and space operas are OK and all, but I have to think about my career.


Dear Santa,

I want Kenny merchandise. You know, I killed Kenny, I have explosive diarreah, all that stuff. Thanks.


Dear Santa,

Please don’t give me Arcanum, Kessen II, Civ III, Diablo II Expansion, or any other video games. I am trying to finish school here.


I know, all night long I’ve been wondering how you, you of all people, could have been such a good boy all year that Santa would reward you in spades like this.

All I can say is, thank god Bunnygirl asked Mr. Cranky and I to come over for dinner last night. If she hadn’t, Mr. Cranky would have actually attended that game. Talk about a waste of an afternoon…

Dear Hanukkah Harry,

All these Doper birthdays and all have taken their toll on my baking stuff. Can I have a new set? I’m not picky, but I prefer Calphalon.

Thank you in advance,


Dear Hanukkah Harry,

I know I already asked for baking stuff, and while that would be nice what I really meant to ask for is a certaian Airman who shall remain nameless. He doesn’t have to be gift wrapped, in fact I prefer him naked.

Thank you in advance again
Ms [sub] Lusty [/sub] Robyn

[sub] Please don’t kill me Robyn [/sub]

Dear Santa

How are you ? I am doing well. I would like to discover a new type of beer. It should be a dark beer, one that tastes great, is less filling and is totally counteracted by one cup of coffee no matter how much I drink.


[sub]Inspired by his IRC quit line…[/sub]
Dear Santa

Please bring me more pubes. These two are getting lonely.
[sub]ducks & runs[/sub]

Band name!

Hey, hey, HEY! Let’s leave my butt plug out of this, shall we? The Butt Plug of Doom is good enough for any man, woman or beast, thenkyewveddymuch.

[sub]Geez, thinksnow, you’ll scare the chilluns.[/sub]

Man, ya throw one little ChiDope or two and people think they know ya…

And, since I’m in this thread:

Dear Jewwy Claus,
A billion dollars and a Danny Elfman soundtrack for my next movie, please. We’ll talk, babe. My people can pencil yours in for lunch. Also, let every, single 14 year old with a crush on Seann William Scott get into my R rated movie.
Love your work, and I mean that.

Just a motherlovin’ BREAK, dude! PLEASE?!

Yo, big dude!
Nuttin’ here, man. I’m all cool. Just some peace and love and for people to chill the fuck out and shit.
Peace out, yo.

I’ve tried everything. I’ve flirted, I’ve improved myself, I’ve made sacrifices and concessions. I’ve befrinded his friends, even.

Please let Maeglin finally notice me for the love-monkey I am.
P.S. You’ve gotten a bad deal on your translation. I’ll take care of that if you hook me up.

Dear Santa,
Only one request, heal my nroken heart please? Oh and a life time supply of batteries wouldn’t hurt either :slight_smile:

Dear Santa,

Don’t give SPOOFE my underpants. I wouldn’t be the same without them.


Including the ones that can’t spell.


sturmhauke said:
"Dear Santa,

I wanna be a big movie star. Telenovelas and space operas are OK and all, but I have to think about my career.


LOL!!! How did you know, dear? :0)

Dear Santa,

Please disable the :smiley: function on Persephone’s computer. Thank you in advance for your prompt attention to this matter.




Dear Santa,

Please send me a fairy godmother who can with a wave of her magic wand instantaneously clean my house up for me before folks get here for the Dopefest in January. Thanks.


It’s like Colibri said, I’m either psychic or psychotic. Perhaps both. I believe the matter may best be settled by a vote. The unitiated should refer to Collounbury’s most unsatisfactory Pit thread. Just remember to keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.

He would be more than welcome under my menorah! If only I didn’t have to share him with the USAF…