Santa Reads The Doper Mailbag

Dear Santa,

Could you drop off a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People, please? I’m so terribly shy, I am really hoping to try to come out of my shell next year.


Dear Santa,

A second nipple.


Dear Santa,

My life is soooooo boring, could you bring something, anything, by the house to give me something to occupy my time? I just have too much time on my hands!

[sub]PS: Bring diapers! For god’s sake, bring diapers![/sub]

Dear Santa,

Hope this note finds you well. Regarding this year’s Christmas request: how’s about I give you a present; namely, those ten extra pounds that are currently making me very unhappy? I’d desperately like to be a size four, and ditching that last ten just might do it.

So whaddaya say? Ten more pounds won’t make a difference on you, dude; you’re already a big fat guy!

Thanks and Signed Most Sincerely,
Creaky Haverhill Blackwood

Dear Santa,

I’d like a new Squiggle Wiggle Writer this year; the old one is all worn out. Also, I could use some Indian cookbooks, a Hindi phrasebook, and a car. Especially the car.

Much love,

Dear Santa,

The entire contents of the DVD section, and make it snappy. Also, I really don’t think the 17-inch LCD monitor, harman/kardon speakers, and PalmPilot are too much to ask. Oh, and a new gas gauge for the Jeep, please.

Thanks in advance,

P.S. If you see Hannukah Harry, could you ask him to bring a new hat for my sweetie? The old one’s seen some wear if you know what I mean.

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas this year is to have that creepy guy next door stop peeking through my windows. He’s scaring the cat.

Thank you,

celestina Durnit! I was going to use the one about Persephone!!
Dear Santa,

 How *you* doin'?


Yo Fat Guy,

I’ve been mean, nasty and naughty this year, so I don’t deserve anything but a big lump of coal in my stocking.

Piss off,


Dearest Santa,

I want interchangable taget pistol grips that match my fingernail polish, skull Carl Perkins, skull Jonny Cash and skull Jerry Lee Lewis to go with skull Elvis (I want to complete the skull Sun Sessions set), ninja throwing stars, a Conan style broadsword and a masonry drill so I can install hooks to display it on the wall.



I want a chain for my driver’s license that I can attach to a body piercing so I don’t lose it and have to go through the whole Midnight Express thing the next time I fly to Los Angeles.


Dear Santa,

I would like an old Jeep. Or a Hudson Hornet. Or a '56 Ford. Or a Mercury Marauder. Or a Superbird. Or a Nash Metropolitan (I could carry it around in the trunk of the Hornet as an escape pod!). Or a …

Y’know, nevermind. Just give me SOME kind of old car, that’s not this piece of crap. Please?



Just one perfect kiss.



Just please leave me alone this year? All I want is for my computer to work. Well, that’s all you can give me that I really want and ain’t getting myself.



Dear Santa,

Nice suit. Did I ever tell you red looks good on ya?

I have been a really good girl this year and it would be faaaaabulous if you brought me a new kitchen, a BMW Z3 and Alice from the Brady Bunch.



Dear Santa,

Please bring me the Harrah’s Automobile Collection. And if you put it in the dorm lot, please make sure the cars all have resident student stickers so Public Safety doesn’t tow them.


Your friend in fins,


Dear Big Red,

I would like a one way ticket to Ohio.



Dear Mr. Claus:

A '66 Eldorado in Emberglow, with a white leather interior and white top. And a week in New Orleans. With [REDACTED].

Thanking you in advance for your kind courtesy and cooperation I remain,

Very truly yours,

Zappo, Esquire

Hey rat bastard,

Do you even read your goddamn mail? I specifically asked you NOT to get me Civ III. So what do you do? You give my wife the idea to go out and buy it. It’s not even December yet, for god’s sake. Fucker. I’m gonna get your reindeer all nice and liquered up on the 24th, especially that Rudolph. You know he’s an alkeeholik, just look at his nose. Oh yeah, and I’m sending your elves copies of everything Marx and Lenin ever wrote.


Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go impress upon England and Rome the benefits of my superior French culture.

Gorgon Heap said:
“celestina Durnit! I was going to use the one about Persephone!!”

I’m sorry I beat you to it, Sweetie. I couldn’t resist. :D:D:D

Dear Santa,

Please send me a year’s supply of my favorite beer and Vernor’s. Thanks, man. [hiccup. brrrrrraaaaaaaaapppp] :smiley:

Uncle Beer

Dear Santa,

Please let the Bears whup the Packers asses good the next time they play so that I can make Hamlet write a 10,000 word essay that he must post to the SDMB.

Thank you.


Herr Klaus,
I’ve been very good this year, and all I want is a torn ACL. But I want you to give it to Bret Favre.


Sinter Nikolass,

I’m getting tired, so very very tired. Could you please bring me a cart or something to help carry around my Thousand-Mile-Long-Penis[sup]TM[/sup]. Please, Sinterklaas, it’s getting stepped on and stuff.


Dear Santa

I want no gifts this year, as the love of Fierra is the greatest gift I could ever receive, and all else would be a mere flickering candle of joy next to the brilliant fire of ecstasy I feel in her arms.

I’m good, Santa. Give mine to someone else.


Dear Santa,

I’d REALLY love it if for Christmas Unca Cecil would give me a virtual hug. [giggle] I think I’d just swoon right there in his virtual arms. [sigh] I know the likelihood of him acknowledging my presence or even giving me a virtual hug is remote, but I have to ask. I know I don’t really have anything special to offer him. I can’t offer to have his virtual babies because I’ve got to have Collounsbury’s first. I really can’t offer him anything out of the ordinary that any other Doper wouldn’t be willing to offer. But, damnit, I want a virtual hug from Unca Cecil anyway because I’m cute and silly and special. :smiley: Still, a girl’s gotta dream, you know. So if you could put in a good word for me, I’d be so happy. Okay. That’s all. Take care, you sweet man. And keep on spreading love and cheer to all the kids, little and big, out there.


Dear Santa,

Could I have that Osama guy’s head on a platter?

I realize this isn’t your usual M.O., but I dont’t think anyone would mind a little change,especially, in this case. If it gets bad you can always pin it on one of the reindeer that don’t have their own TV special.

yeah, I know its not very Christian, but neither am I.

Miss Creant

Dear Santa,

I have been very good (no matter what those mod. type people on the SDMB tell you) all I want is to know why there are no Beef, Bean and Cheese Burritos.

Do not move or ignore this letter or I shall feel the need to write you several more asking for the answer to this all important question.


Dear Santa:



Cougarfang, the laughing, it hurts.
Dear Fat Man,

Please send Julia Roberts.


Dear S. Claus,

The ugliest building on Covington Pike, Memphis, would do nicely. Also, a woman in an evening gown with a frying pan. But I’ll take her sister, too.


A clone of myself. I don’t have time to email my friends, especially the ones who’ve seen my in my underbeerwear.