Hope this note finds you well. Regarding this year’s Christmas request: how’s about I give you a present; namely, those ten extra pounds that are currently making me very unhappy? I’d desperately like to be a size four, and ditching that last ten just might do it.
So whaddaya say? Ten more pounds won’t make a difference on you, dude; you’re already a big fat guy!
Thanks and Signed Most Sincerely,
Creaky Haverhill Blackwood
I’d like a new Squiggle Wiggle Writer this year; the old one is all worn out. Also, I could use some Indian cookbooks, a Hindi phrasebook, and a car. Especially the car.
Much love, tsarina
The entire contents of the Amazon.com DVD section, and make it snappy. Also, I really don’t think the 17-inch LCD monitor, harman/kardon speakers, and PalmPilot are too much to ask. Oh, and a new gas gauge for the Jeep, please.
Thanks in advance, Tattva
P.S. If you see Hannukah Harry, could you ask him to bring a new hat for my sweetie? The old one’s seen some wear if you know what I mean.
All I want for Christmas this year is to have that creepy guy next door stop peeking through my windows. He’s scaring the cat.
I want interchangable taget pistol grips that match my fingernail polish, skull Carl Perkins, skull Jonny Cash and skull Jerry Lee Lewis to go with skull Elvis (I want to complete the skull Sun Sessions set), ninja throwing stars, a Conan style broadsword and a masonry drill so I can install hooks to display it on the wall.
I want a chain for my driver’s license that I can attach to a body piercing so I don’t lose it and have to go through the whole Midnight Express thing the next time I fly to Los Angeles.
I would like an old Jeep. Or a Hudson Hornet. Or a '56 Ford. Or a Mercury Marauder. Or a Superbird. Or a Nash Metropolitan (I could carry it around in the trunk of the Hornet as an escape pod!). Or a …
Y’know, nevermind. Just give me SOME kind of old car, that’s not this piece of crap. Please?
Do you even read your goddamn mail? I specifically asked you NOT to get me Civ III. So what do you do? You give my wife the idea to go out and buy it. It’s not even December yet, for god’s sake. Fucker. I’m gonna get your reindeer all nice and liquered up on the 24th, especially that Rudolph. You know he’s an alkeeholik, just look at his nose. Oh yeah, and I’m sending your elves copies of everything Marx and Lenin ever wrote.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go impress upon England and Rome the benefits of my superior French culture.
I’m getting tired, so very very tired. Could you please bring me a cart or something to help carry around my Thousand-Mile-Long-Penis[sup]TM[/sup]. Please, Sinterklaas, it’s getting stepped on and stuff.
I want no gifts this year, as the love of Fierra is the greatest gift I could ever receive, and all else would be a mere flickering candle of joy next to the brilliant fire of ecstasy I feel in her arms.
I’d REALLY love it if for Christmas Unca Cecil would give me a virtual hug. [giggle] I think I’d just swoon right there in his virtual arms. [sigh] I know the likelihood of him acknowledging my presence or even giving me a virtual hug is remote, but I have to ask. I know I don’t really have anything special to offer him. I can’t offer to have his virtual babies because I’ve got to have Collounsbury’s first. I really can’t offer him anything out of the ordinary that any other Doper wouldn’t be willing to offer. But, damnit, I want a virtual hug from Unca Cecil anyway because I’m cute and silly and special. Still, a girl’s gotta dream, you know. So if you could put in a good word for me, I’d be so happy. Okay. That’s all. Take care, you sweet man. And keep on spreading love and cheer to all the kids, little and big, out there.
I realize this isn’t your usual M.O., but I dont’t think anyone would mind a little change,especially, in this case. If it gets bad you can always pin it on one of the reindeer that don’t have their own TV special.
yeah, I know its not very Christian, but neither am I.