Hollywood can kiss my ass.

The BBQ Pit
1

RRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I am so livid, I must vent. I live in a beautiful, historic part of Boston. There is currently a movie being filmed on my block which stars Martin Lawrence and Danny DeVito. Not only are there big white trucks and trailors in every parking space for a 3 block radius in a neighborhood with more parking permits than spaces to put your car, but Martin Lawrence’s personal gym-in-a-truck is parked directly in front of my house.

I have now realized why Hollywood movies cost billions of dollars to make. If I had a dollar for every lazy asshole sitting around on the sidewalk in a folding metal chair doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING all day except harassing the neighborhood residents and getting paid a union wage to do it, I would take that money and pay to have them all exterminated.

My personal beef is with the fat pig-fucking piece of disease-ridden intestine who’s job it is to guard Martin Lawrence’s precious gym. Every day I have to walk by this dickwad to get to my front door. I have never seen him do anything other than precariously perch his pasty, saggy-assed, morbidly obese body on a metal chair that defies the laws of physics by remaining intact.

Two days ago, as I was walking past this pus-bucket, he gave me one of these “Hey, baby…” and a leer. Now, it is my personal policy to never walk away from men who hassle me like this without saying something. I usually tell the guy to look in the mirror once in a while, explain to him that he is a piece of shit who will never find anyone to love him, or mention that I would rather drink a cup of lard with a hair in it than ever run into him on the street again. On this occasion, however, I took into account that this…man was going to be sitting in front of my house for an indefinite period of time until they are done filming and decided to tone it down a little. I simply asked in an icy tone if he was speaking to me, and lowered my sunglasses to the tip of my nose so I could glare at him.

“I said ‘good evening’.”
“I see. Good evening.”

This glorified maggot then proceeded to call me a “RUDE CUNT” as I was walking away. That’s right, folks. A RUDE CUNT. Now, I have never been called a cunt by a man. By a woman, yes, but not a man. I wish I could finish this OP by telling you that I then told this foul-mouthed puddle of bile to stick it up his ass, or whatever, whatever. Unfortunately, I was so shocked (and slightly fearful) that I froze. After standing there for a few seconds I simply turned around and walked into my building.

Oh, the SHAME!!!

Why could I not pick up my courage and really lay on the abuse?! Why of all the moments was this the one that words and gumption failed me?! Oh dear, I’m exhausted now…

2

I give you an A for vitriol.

3

Well, thanks Magdalene. I have found from experience that it is always best to know ahead of time what you would say in a given situation. That way, when said situation arises, you don’t find yourself stuttering or at a loss for words.

4

Well, let’s think of withering responses to “Rude Cunt”, shall we?

I think we need Byzantine, Hamadryad, CrankyAsAnOldMan, Falcon, Swimming Riddles, Tiggeril, and Ayesha’s help on this. This Olympian group can be expanded (Black12 is a potential candidate, IMHO), so my apologies if I’ve left anyone out.

5

If any of the High Priestesses of the SDMB had been there in my place, they would have had to identify the charred remains of this waste of space by his dental records.

6

Black12, my condolences on your experience.

I too have never been called a cunt by a man- I thought they only called us that when we weren’t around, out of fear for their very lives…

I guess the situation on your street is a perfect example of why certain drug kingpins in NY charged Spike Lee protection money to film in their neighborhood- they knew it was going to be a pain in the ass, so why should the NY Governor’s Film Office (or whatever it is) get all the money?

I too might not have a ready response to the “rude cunt” comment. I will contemplate it and ask a few of my girls too.

7

Put a brick in your purse. Next time he leers, smack him with it :slight_smile:

8

It is dickless assholes like that, that give the rest of us men a bad name.

WHen men were rude to my mother, she would step on their instep with her spike heels. Then exclaim: “Oh, I’m so sorry.”

High heels being out of style, what you should do is during the night scatter a carton of roofing nails along the area that they will be parking the “Mini-gym.” It would be fun watching the security guy trying to explain why all of the tires are flat.

9

You could:

Carry a cup of urine (disguised like you’re drinking it) and “accidentally” spill the whole thing on the son of a bitch next time you walk past.

Put speakers up to your window, find your most annoying CD, put it on repeat, turn the volume way up, and leave for the day.

Call in a bomb threat to the shoot.

At night, heat up some cooking grease (everyone has some of that under their sink, right?) until it is nice and runny, Then dump it all around the area where he sets up everyday. Should make for an insect-o-riffic kind of day for the colostomy bag.

Or, my personal favorite (I’ve mentioned this one before around here) Get a box of wooden toothpicks. If they ever leave any of the cars/trucks unattended, put a toothpick into the keyhole halfway, and break it off. Repeat for every keyhole in sight for offending assholes. Cheap, easy, and a hefty locksmith fee (as well as much wated time) is in their future.

Not that I’m a bitter person or anything.

What?

10

Mouthbreather, have I mentioned how much I like you? I like you a lot. I would never not like you no matter what. I really mean that. I think you are a totally totally totally cool person and I would never do anything that I thought you might not like. Not that this has anything to do with anything. I mean, I just thought I’d mention that I think you’re a fabulous person and, you know, well that’s it. Just so you know. :smiley:

11

“Rude Cunt.”… rude, indeed.

Where the hell do asslicks like that guy get off insulting the people they inconvenience? Does he actually think you’ll be impressed by the fact that he gets to tongue-wash the skidmarks off of Martin Lawrence’s tighty whities? Did this walking ball of unwashed, bloody pubic hair actually think that you’d be attracted by his macho and oh-so-suave demeanor? Dear God, this walking Jell-O mold (in special “semen” flavor) actually makes Joey Buttafuoco look like James fucking Bond!

My suggestion for a reply should you run into our nun-munging (happy, Spoofe? :wink: )hero again: (in a fawning tone) “Excuse me, you were the person on duty [insert duration of time] ago, weren’t you? Do you know Martin? I just looooove him! I just have to tell you… (bitch tone time) I think you and your ‘cunt’-sniffing boss should roast in the pits of hell and be forced to fellate the Devil himself on a regular basis. No, not just suck him off… you should swallow… then allow him to felch you with a Krazy Straw made of barbed wire… heated, electrified barbed wire. Even then, you wouldn’t be worth one hair off the head of one of Wilt Chamberlain’s whores. This movie’s going to tank… and you’ll be begging Guido over there for just one sip of him when you’re starving on the streets. A good evening to you.”
Ooooh, that felt GOOD!

12

Call the cops next time he is outside and then swear that he has been exposing himself and physically threatening you. Then you get a restraining order on him.

This cretins actions are inexcusable, he is a bully and most likely a coward as well.

13

You’re actually at an advantage knowing that he will be there for a little while and that he has a regular job. I would go up to him and say very calmly “If you ever insult me again, I will personnally have my friends come down and beat the shit out of you”. If he says anything go and report him to his manager. If they don’t do anything raise a big stink with the city and the papers. Talk about being harassed by movie crews on your own lawn and such.
Of course I would just wack him upside the head with a tire iron, but that’s just me.

14

Don’t you get it, Black12? You’re supposed to be SO THRILLED that those big, important, famous people from gasp Hollywood are around, you’d put up with any inconvenience! I mean, what an honor that they chose your neighborhood! And maybe, if you’re really lucky, you’ll get a GLIMPSE of someone who is grabs chair for support FAMOUS! FAMOUS by virtue of the fact that their face gets projcted on large screens! I’d drop whatever else you are doing, boring stuff like reading the news or finding a cure for cancer or whatever other mundane unimportant crap your life calls for, and instead start hanging around the set all day!!

And damn, girl don’t you realize you are supposed to have the urge to just grab Mr. Rude Cunt and shove your tongue down his throat as an invitation to do the nasty?! I mean, what an HONOR to be able to say YOU screwed one of the entourage of a famous person. You’re not even the eensiest bit GRATEFUL that this guy deigned to leer at you? You should have fallen right over on your back, then and there, legs akimbo, and told him to have at it. And while he’s sawing away at that rude cunt of yours, you could be practicing how you’ll breathlessly tell every detail to your girlfriends (especially those of us on the SDMB) so we can hang on EVERY WORD! Golly! Black12 came THIS CLOSE to gettin’ nailed by someone famous!! Maybe if you’d asked really nicely, he’d have let you sniff Martin Lawrence’s sweaty gym shorts.

Talk about a wasted opportunity. Some people just don’t know how to appreciate their good fortune. But you know, you might be able to make up for it. Quit your job, sell all your stuff, tell your family to go to hell, and take up the life of an obsessed fan. Hollywood here you come! Don’t forget to buy a polaroid camera for all those snaps you might be able to get of the Cool People.

15

Oooohhh. Good one!

16

I am at a loss for what to tell you. No man I have ever met has ever had the misfortune of calling me a cunt. However, a girl once called my friend one and my friend responded, “You fellate your father with that mouth?” I thought it was funny at the time. Maybe you could alter it to match your needs. Then hit him. Really hard. Twice.

17

[slight hijack]tiggeril, I am printing that out and memorizing every last word. You rock. You Truly Rock.[/slight hijack]

18

Tiggeril, you get the prize. I give you a 9.8 for including semen-flavored Jell-O. :smiley:

Cranky, your sarcasm is a specimen of the purest quality. Will you come live with me?

Evilbeth: with a little word tweaking, your suggestion may be the most pragmatic. Something quick and simple with minimal effort. Unfortunately, I would have to wait for him to say something to me first.

Fuck it. I’ll go with Oldscratch’s tire iron.

19

Whoaaaaaa Tiggeril & Oldscratch

Repeat after me “Magdalene = Friend. Magdalene = Friend. Magdalene = Friend.”

We need Valerieblaise (sorry I left you out of the Insult Olympiad) and the others and we should have quite a few good responses to “rude c—”.

20

WooHoo!!! Sometimes the simplest methods are best. Glad I was able to stear you onto the right path Black12. :smiley:

It’s like the 27 yearr old creep that was trying to get into the pants of a friends 12 year old (very advacely developed) little sister. Sure, we could have spoken to the cops or done somthing like that. But, it was easier to just approach him calmly with some friends and announce that if we ever found out he was within so as a 5 block radius of her, we would find him and castrate him. He left her alone after that.