Hollywood Gossip -OR- Is this news to anyone besides me?

Cafe Society
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So a legal assistant with whom I have lunch every now and again is back in town. We’re going to lucnch today (hooray for Indian food!!). She always has some celebrity gossip for me.

You should know that I rarely watch E! and never read the tabloids or magazines like People so I never know what’s going on in Hollywood unless it infiltrates shows like the Today Show, Late Night with Conan O’Brien or The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Anyhoo, my buddy drops off some magazines on my chair, Us Weekly and Hello!, to be exact. In the first five pages of Us Weekly, JuanitaTech learned:

Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy are no longer dating.
I knew they started dating after filming Just Married. Now I know, sadly, such a promising relationship has ended.

Britney Spears made $39 mil last year.
I’m so in the wrong line of work…

Simon Cowell’s been spotted smooching some chick other than his girlfriend.
I thought he was gay. Go figure.

LeAnn Rimes is selling her $2.5 mil home in LA and moving back to Nashville.
Again, I’m really in the wrong line of work.

Colin Farrell’s buying his soon-to-be baby’s mama a house.
Wow. I don’t know what to say to this one. Isn’t he dating Spears?

Jay-Z and Beyonce are dating…maybe.
Fair enough.

Tippi Hedren is Melanie Griffith’s mom.
I didn’t know that. I also didn’t know she and Banderas were still together.

Rosie O’Donnell has a longtime (5 yrs.) girlfriend.
I didn’t know this. Her name’s Kelli Carpenter and she recently changed her name to Kelli Carpenter O’Donnell. How sweet.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s dating the lead singer of Coldplay.
News to me.

Drew Barrymore’s dating the drummer from The Strokes.
More news to me.

So there you have it. You’re now caught up on everything I know about (American) celebrities and you didn’t even have to be embarrassed about reading a rag.

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Not only that, but Tippi looks better than Melanie.

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That isn’t exactly difficult.

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Well then you and I are in the same boat, actaully you’re in a better boat since I have no idea who half those people are. That and I really don’t care. But at least you know that there are people who know less then you about Hollywood Gossip.

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Is Tippi still running an animal sanctuary? She’s all about the jungle animals.

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There are also rumors that Rock Hudson might be gay, Errol Flynn likes young girls, Judy Garland has something of a substance abuse problem, and Fatty Arbuckle may have been involved in the death of a young girl at an orgy. More details if they become available.

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Anything but birds…

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I hear there was a spot of unpleasentness aboard Hearst’s yacht as well…

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I heard Howard Hughes may be a bit “off”.

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Who cares? They’re both dim-witted morons.

Yuck!

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I actually had a friend who ran up to me at a bar and breathlessly told me he just heard Princess Diana had died in a car wreck.

This was two days after the world-televised funeral of Princess Diana.

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Shambala.

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Colin Farrell broke up with Brittney ages ago.
He presented an award at the Irish Meteor Awards, and was introduced with the memorable line:
“When he broke up with Bittney, it was like we ALL broke up with Britney…Mr Colin Farrell”
Cue rapturous applause…

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JuanitaTech writes:

> Rosie O’Donnell has a longtime (5 yrs.) girlfriend.

This became public at the same time that Rosie announced that she was lesbian. Kelli had a baby last year who was given a last name of O’Donnell.

> Gwyneth Paltrow’s dating the lead singer of Coldplay.

They’re engaged, in fact.

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Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy are no longer dating.
I didn’t even know they were dating. In fact, I’m not 100% sure who he is… Name sounds familiar, though.

Britney Spears made $39 mil last year. My feelings on this one were exactly identical to yours.

Simon Cowell’s been spotted smooching some chick other than his girlfriend. Simon who? Is that the dude from American Idol? I’ve never seen that show.

LeAnn Rimes is selling her $2.5 mil home in LA and moving back to Nashville. I didn’t know she’s ever moved to LA. Or bought a house.

Colin Farrell’s buying his soon-to-be baby’s mama a house. Colin who?

Jay-Z and Beyonce are dating…maybe. Jay who?

Tippi Hedren is Melanie Griffith’s mom. Oh goodie! One I knew!

Rosie O’Donnell has a longtime (5 yrs.) girlfriend. I knew this one, too. I’m not sure how I knew, though…

Gwyneth Paltrow’s dating the lead singer of Coldplay. Coldplay?

Drew Barrymore’s dating the drummer from The Strokes. The Strokes?

Oh dear. I’m embarrassingly ignorant.

I did, however, recognize Otto, Kasuo and Scumpup’s contributions… So maybe I’m not so much ignorant as just old.

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I agree fully about Melanie’s dim-witted moronity; but Tippi Hedren?!

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Oh, I love Tippi! She really handled it like a lady in “The Birds” when the mean mother-in-law to be was giving her the business. She’s quite fetching, too!

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She brought you a copy of HELLO!? My favorite British gossip mag!

I miss it dearly…

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Still…can’t…wrap…head…around…Spears…39…million…

What if she managed to blow all her money and somehow became completely unmarketable in showbusiness? Where would a 40 year old with no college degree who made 39 million a year at age 21 work?

I’ve always wondered that about people in showbiz. Not that a lot of them need backup plans but surprisingly few of them seem to have backup plans.

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He plays Michael Kelso on That 70s Show, and has been in various movies, such as Dude, Where’s My Car? and Just Married.

Only the second sexiest man alive! (after Elijah Wood, of course.)

He’s a rapper, AFAIK. I knew this one, btw.