Homemade Revenge Glurge...suggestions wanted

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This thread inspired me to come up with my own holiday glurge so I can respond to glurge that’s been sent to me. The trick is, it has to be just stupid enough that the glurge-sender suspects they’re being mocked, but it can’t be so sarcastic that they’re certain.

My first try:

Little Hands, BIG Heart

Little Cindee Perkins loved her daddy and mommy more than anything in the whole world. But, like so many folks these days, especially around the holidays, things were so hectic that they didn’t have a chance to tell her how much they loved her. Then, suddenly it was too late.

The Perkins family had a special Christmas tree ornament that went on top of the tree. Cindee loved that angel and every year wanted to help put it up. She went to her father.

“Daddy, I looove you this much. Can I help put our special Angel on the top of the tree?” Cindee told her father, spreading her arms apart.

“Hmmm? Cindee, daddy’s busy paying bills right now. Go tell your mother. Thanks.”

So Cindee went to her mother and said “Mommy, if the whole world weighed a million billion pounds, I love you a trillion times more than that! Can I put our special Angel on top of the tree?”

But mommy was busy: the turkey for tonite’s dinner was cooking and mommy was busily hanging decorations “Mommy’s very busy dear” she said, distractedly. “Why don’t you go play.”

So Cindee went into the kitchen and began playing. Unfortnately she became tangled in a dangling cord for the electric carving knive and was killed, sliced down in her tender youth.

The Perkins parents sobbed and cancelled all their holiday plans, regretting the time they didn’t spend with her. The tree remained half-decorated and Cindee was buried with her special Angel.

On their bleak, meaningless Christmas morn, the Perkins went down to find that the tree was completely decorated and Cindee’s special Angel was at the top! There was a note “Dear Mommie and Daddy. Jesus cared enough about me to let me put my special angel on top of the tree. I love you. Cindee”

The Perkins realized that if Jesus was willing to go out of his way to let one little girl have her holiday wish, they should do the same. Every year now, they go out and buy lots of Christmas Angels and go to orphanages, helping orphans put angels on the trees.

In this busy holiday time, let’s all try to be like Cindee and remember our own special Christmas angels!

Whatdaya think? I’m not thrilled with the ending, and the moral isn’t soppy enough. Suggestions, changes, comments?

Fenris

2

::dry heaves subsiding::

See, Fenris, it’s not evil enough. What makes it different from actual glurge? It needs to be darker.

You also need the standard “If you do not forward this on you are a heartless bastard. If you do, the light of baby Jesus will shine on you” guilt trip at the end.

3

In my opinion, I think that instead of carving herself to death she should try climbing some tall furniture or something (like a bookcase) in an effort to put the angel on by herself anyway, but then falls to her death. Seems more tragic that way.

4

Yeah, and then she could be impaled on the top of the tree! But you definitely need a better moral.

5

I definitely like the idea of having her fall to her death trying to put the angel on top of the tree. Or maybe she could get electrocuted by the Christmas lights!

And the ending definitely needs work, tho I don’t have any good ideas at the moment. I’ll be back if I think of something.

6

Not evil enough, eh, magdalene? Try this on for size…

(Bonus points to anybody who can identify the author and work I have shamefully plagiarised.)

There was once a poor widow who had an only child, a little son named Billy. She had no money to buy Christmas presents, no tree, and nothing for Christmas dinner, but she wanted to make the day special for Billy. So she did the only thing she could – she sang Christmas songs:
Away in a manger, no crib for a bed,
The little Lord Jesus laid down his sweet head…

“What is that song about, Mommy?” asked Billy. He was very young, you see, and didn’t understand all the words.
“It’s a song about how the baby Jesus was once a very poor little boy, like you, and he grew up to be our Lord and Savior.”
“I want to learn how to sing about Jesus, Mommy. Will you teach me the words?”
The widow thought her son was too little to learn and remember all the words to “Away in a Manger,” but he begged and begged her to teach him, and at last she practised with him until he knew every word.

After Christmas vacation was over, little Billy went back to kindergarten at the local public school. He sang “Away in a Manger” all the way to school, and in the halls, and even in the little boys’ room. Two sixth graders heard him singing. They were heathens who did not believe in the baby Jesus, so Billy’s song made them angry.

“Shut up, you little punk,” said one of the sixth graders.
“No!” said Billy. “That song is about the baby Jesus, who is my Lord and Savior. I will never stop singing it!”
The next day, the sixth graders brought a gun to school. They shot Billy’s head off and left his body in the little boys’ room.

When Billy didn’t come home from school, his mommy knew something was wrong. She went to the public school and looked all over for her little boy. The teachers and the principal knew what had happened, but they were heathens too, so nobody would tell her anything. At last she heard a faint, far-off voice singing “Away in a Manger.” She followed the voice into the little boys’ room. There sat Billy in one of the stalls, with a smoking black crater where his head used to be. Even though he was dead and didn’t have a mouth, he kept singing “Away in a Manger.”

The widow called her pastor and they carried Billy’s body into church, where the whole congregation gathered to hear the miraculous melody. Then they went to the evil public school and slaughtered the two heathens who killed Billy, and all the others who knew about it and tried to cover it up. Then they burned the public school to the ground so that it would no longer be dangerous for sweet little Christian boys.

Did this story touch you? Make you angry? I hope it did. This holiday season, whenever you hear “Away in a Manger,” think of all the Christians who are under siege in this secular world. Perhaps you think you cannot slaughter an entire school, but remember – there are hundreds of little things you can do to make the world safe for children to sing about the baby Jesus! Perhaps you can bomb an abortion clinic, or smash a Hannukah bush! Whatever you do, remember little Billy and be proud that you are not like the heathens who destroy innocent children.

7

Re: Cindee’s Christmas Angel

I dunno, I think the ending works:
A) the main item (Christmas angels) is reiterated;
B) the guilt trip (lack of time spent with the child) is re-emphasized with the necessary atonement [points for including “if Jesus could do it, so could I”];
B and a 1/2) double points for the guilt trip for the "bad parent - didn’t keep an eye on the child); and
C) orphans - definite pull at the heartstrings, especially at Christmas.

I like the “falling off the bookcase” idea, since that is something a child would do anyway. Electrocution might be a little much, even for glurge. Impalement on the Angel might be quite the irony.

Kudos for the alternate spelling of Cindee - excellent choice, showing the child’s uniqueness (or the parent’s trendiess).

I’m not sure about the ‘million/billion/trillion’ Mother section - seems kind of overly-forced. Needs something of an plaintive understatement, like with Daddy (arms outstretched, foreshadowing how Jesus opened His arms wide to show how much He loved us and died for us - good touch).

Pardon me while I get some more Pepto-Bismol.
Urp.
::runs out of room::

8

[QUOTE]
Originally posted by Fenris *
**
Great points, everyone. Thanks. Lemme try again.*

Take Two

Her Special Angel, Her Special Heart

Little Cindee Perkins loved her daddy and mommy more than anything in the whole world. But, like so many folks these days, especially around the holidays, things were so hectic that they didn’t have a chance to tell her how much they loved her. Then, suddenly it was too late.

The Perkins family had a special Christmas tree ornament that went on top of the tree. Cindee loved that angel and every year wanted to help put it up. She went to her father.

“Daddy, I looove you this much. Can I help put our special Angel on the top of the tree?” Cindee told her father, spreading her arms apart.

“Hmmm? Cindee, daddy’s busy paying bills right now. Go tell your mother. Thanks.”

So Cindee went to her mother and said “Mommy, I love you more than all the fishies in the ocean and all the bread in the world! Can I put my Son top of the tree?”

But mommy was busy cooking the turkey for tonite’s dinner was cooking “Mommy’s very busy dear” she said, distractedly. “Why don’t you go play.”

Cindee decided she loved her parents SO much that she would help them at this busy, hectic, workaday time. So she dragged the ladder from the garage and, working stealthily, began to decorate the tree. Oh, the tinsel was put on unevenly in bunches, the ornaments hung crookedly and the lights blinked unsteadily, but it was a labor of love. The tree, resplendent in the gown of light Cindee had dressed it in was finally ready for the final touch. Carefully, carefully she unwrapped her Special Angel and looked at it with love. The angel’s hands were pressed together in prayer above the angel’s alabaster brow, it’s wings unfolded, and glistening white.

Cindee kissed Her Special Angel and began to climb the unsteady ladder. She was young and innocent enough that she didn’t believe that the “Do not stand above this step” warning applied to her. Suddenly, the ladder shot out from underneath her and she tumbled. But, since the angel was made of heavy stone, it fell faster and Cindee was impaled on it’s prayerful hands. Her parents rushed in and with her last ounce of breath, whispered “I guess you’ll have to put My Special Angel on the tree by yourself this year.”

She died later that night.
The Perkins parents sobbed, wracked with guilt and cancelled all their holiday plans, regretting the time they didn’t spend with her. The tree remained half-decorated and Cindee was buried with her special Angel.

On their bleak, meaningless Christmas morn, the Perkins went down to find that the tree was completely decorated and Cindee’s special Angel was at the top! There was a note “Dear Mommie and Daddy. Jesus cared enough about me to let me put my special angel on top of the tree. I love you. Cindee” It was Cindee’s last gift.

The Perkins realized that if Jesus was willing to go out of his way to let one little girl have her holiday wish, they should do the same. Every year now, they go out and buy lots of Christmas Angels and go to orphanages, helping orphans put angels on the trees.

At this hectic time, it’s easy to forget about the things that matter, like love and family and ladder safety. Spend time with your family, decorate the tree together and above all, pass on this message. If you do, you may be saving thousands of families, just like Cindee’s. If you don’t, you’ll have crushing guilt every time you hear about a holiday accident. “If only I had forwarded that message!” You’ll think as you lie awake at night, your conscience an agonizing weight on your shoulders…“If only! The message might have reached those families and their children wouldn’t be dead from a Christmas related accident.”

Save yourself the grief and guilt and forward this message, and at this busy holiday time, let’s all try to be like Cindee and remember our own special Christmas angels!

Better? (I still think magdalene’s right though, it’s still not dark enough, but I’m afraid of making it too obvious. Like I said, I want to use this to get revenge on glurge-spewing bastards and the best revenge (that’s legal anyway) is to make them wonder if they’re being mocked.)

Fenris

9

I think I would be more likely to send the offering set forth by Fretful Porpentine. It starts off like classic glurge, but then it turns EVIL. The problem with Cindee’s Angel Story Thingie is that it contains too many glurge elements right up to the end. Porpentine’s starts off just right to hook the sappy reader, so the twistedness is an extra special surprise. I can see myself receiving “Her Special Angel, Her Special Heart,” from someone clueless enough to miss the sarcasm. It just needs more overt evil and sarcasm.

10

IMHO-
Reads much better.
Fishies and bread is a good’un.
Tree description is precious - ‘unsteadily’, ‘bunches’, ‘crookedly’ - great words
‘love and family and ladder safety’ - cool

couple of small points:

Stone Angel? Perhaps an antique handmade tin (maybe from her great-grandmother - brings in the nostaglia factor - nice irony, died by member of her own family) - in any case, a sharp object in a child’s hands = bad parenting

Son? Where did this come from?

Hey! Start this as a glurge and see if it ends up on Paul Harvey!
What? What? Quit glaring at me like that!

11

Freakin’ great! I can’t wait to see if I get a forwarded copy from my landlord, who LOVES this stuff!!

12

Porpentine, that was awesome. The decapitated head singing Away In A Manger - I am so sending that to all my glurge perpetuators.

Fenris, second try is better, but think darker.

“ladder safety” - an excellent touch.

13

dragonlady, and excellent idea!

If we forward Fenris’ and Porpentine’s offerings to our pukey acquaintances and family members, how long before they enter the larger glurge stream?

14

I like that:

A sturdy, if crude tin angel made by her grandfather during the War. He hammered the tin angel as he waited for the next wave of enemies to come over the hill. When they shipped his body home, the angel would always remind Gramma of her lost husband. It’d been passed down to Cindee.

The “Son” thing came from an (pardon the word) aborted “Jesus is God’s Son” comment. It didn’t work.

And No! on the Paul Harvey thing. :wink: there’s enough of this glurge going around without me adding to it. This doesn’t go out until it has a higher mockage factor. Juniper2k is right when he says it still sounds too much like real glurge. What if I snuff the dad too? Or instead of killing the kid, put her in a coma on a dialasis machine and, in addition to everything else, ask people to collect pop-top-tabs and that a new letter will follow, telling them where to send the tabs. Then never follow up.

Fenris

15

Mami Ibn-Rashabin was walking home from school one day, very hungry. His parents and he were Ismlamic, so they were celebrating Ramadan. This holiday makes the followers fast and refrain from other normal things. Mami rounded the corner when he saw some people walking down the street.

“who are you?” he said.

“We are from the church down the road! You must be that crazy Islamic kid. Jesus died for your sins. We learned from Jack Chick that you worship the moon!”

“You must be mistaken,” the boy said. Surely these people would be accepting and loving, like their saviour! “Aren’t you supposed to be helping the poor instead of berating little children?” he remarked.

Mami was trying his best to be polite. However, the Christians just kept bothering him. They got angry when he said that remark.

“You should be with us!” they said. They grabbed him and took him back to their church. Then they force-fed him food to break his fast.

“Allah will have mercy on me” the boy said.
“Your god is Satan! You should be dead, but God was nice and didn’t kill you! Now go home and tell your parents!”

Mami went home and told his parents indeed. They contacted their uncle Osama and had the church blown up. The fundies had no place to worship.

The moral is that you should never trust those stupid muslims! They just worship their moon god and pray to Satan!

If you do not send this to everyone on your address list, you will be just as bad as them! Jesus will cry for you when you are in hell!

How is it? Not too bad for a tired person. I like the twist in the end. Maybe I should send it out.

16

http://www.rinkworks.com/peasoup/
You should like this…

17

First of all, I love the revenge glurge! Can’t wait until the product is complete. Nice job, Fenris.

Okay, here’s my thought. I’m not sure if it’s better than the ‘impaled on the angel’ bit or not or not, guess that’s up to you to decide. What if you had her fall and her lovingly placed Christmas tree lights become tangled around her neck. Unable to cry out for help, her feet mere inches from the floor, she could die a slow and torturous death, within sight of both her parents who are working away in adjacent rooms, too busy to look up and see their little daughter hanging in the tree.

That’s pretty dark, isn’t it?

18

…Then suddenly the light cord snaps, the live electrocuting her and the fall impales her on the angel’s sharp hands folded in beatific prayer.

Good one!

19

The post number for my last post (about the wire snapping and the impalement)…

…was 911.

20

Oh, great stuff, guys. Y’all are twisted, sick and evil - that’s what I like about you.

Fenris, think for just a moment. These are people who BELIEVE AND FORWARD GLURGE. I’m not sure it’s possible to make it too obvious.

These are people like my co-worker, who had to check with me to be sure that the FREE MONEY VIRUS email I sent was a joke. I mean, I know she’s computer-illiterate, but toasters and refrigerators throwing themselves screaming out of windows?? And she wasn’t sure if it was a joke!!!

I think you’re over-rating your intended audience. Go with the ‘strangled by the lights & then impaled on the tin angel inherited from her grandfather’ (although my office-mate voted for electrocution by tin-angel-cum-electrical-cords). You might consider dropping the last sentence of the first paragraph - no need to let on too early that this is a heartrender rather than a heartwarmer.
Keep up the good work, everyone! I think I’ll have to send these to a few select souls, myself. :smiley: