Being honest without being mean is easy when you only associate with people who have no faults.
All too often, it is.
There are no such people.
I understand why you might think that, but let me present an alternative point of view. One must understand what one’s role is in a situation. The poster upthread who was concerned about direct statements in employee evaluations, for example, is in a situation where one should be honest, but for career security such communications are best delivered in a way that management is likely to accept. Couching such comments in bureaucratic terms, or presenting them from a management point of view often is more effective and safer than the most direct communication.
If one is mindful of one’s role, one can reserve comments about other people’s perceived shortcomings for appropriate occasions, and phrase comments in a positive way that strengthens friendships and is none the less very effective.
See, isn’t that better than saying “You’re wrong, you stupid jerk!”
“Oh, well bless your little heart darlin’ I know you try your best…”
Yeah, I know some ladies like that.
Some southerners know how to use “bless your heart” and its variations in such a way as to make the n word or c word look downright respectable by comparision.
It’s one of those things that really, really depends on the situation. The majority of the time, it’s possible to speak the truth in a diplomatic manner. On occasions when you know the truth is going to be painful, you’ve got to judge your relationship with the other person, the timing, and how important the truth is.
Insulting someone and then saying “I’m just being honest!” or “Wow, you’re sensitive” gets people permanently added to my asshole list. I don’t care to waste my time and energy interacting with people like that.
Honesty is one of the most abused virtues. For example, if you’re angry with someone you can point out his faults to him in the most blunt way possible for the purpose of hurting the person, and when challenged on your behavior you can cover yourself with the excuse that you were “only being honest.”
Honesty can also be abused by people who forget they are fallible. Just because you have an honestly-held belief doesn’t mean you’re right.
If you want to be honest, the most important person to be honest with is oneself. Before you say something that might hurt someone’s feelings, be sure to think about your own motivations and faults.
I agree that honesty when it comes to your opinions is different than honesty when it comes to facts.
You should (almost) always be honest about facts. You shouldn’t always be honest about your opinions. A wise man recognizes that opinions are not fact, and should not be treated as such. If someone asks for your “honest opinion” then give it. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut.
In certain circumstances, when a person is being self-destructive, or possibly hurting others inadvertently, an uninvited honest opinion can be appropriate. It is very possible to be “honest” about the facts, and keep your opinions to yourself. If you HAVE to respond with an unkind opinion, do so only after protesting a time or two.
Example 1:
“What do you think of this hat?”
“Oh I don’t know…”
“Come on, do you like this hat or not?”
“It’s not really my style.”
“Yes but does it look good on ME?”
“No, I don’t really like the way it looks on you.”
VS
“What do you think of this hat?”
“I think the hat looks like shit on you.”
Both are honest, and one is mean. It’s not rocket science.
Courtesy costs you nothing. I don’t mean lie, I don’t me smother someone with flattery, I don’t mean “sugarcoating.”
“Does this hat make me look like a dork?”
Use humor: Nah, dorks aren’t wearing berets this year. Dorks are more into derbies.
Redirect: It’s not my style, because if I wore it, I’d look like a dork!
Soften your reaction: I really like that color, it’s great on you.
In all three responses, you never came out and said, “Man, that POS has dork all over it!” Do you LIKE to stab people figuratively in the heart? Why? What harm would it do to NOT be insulting in the name of honesty?
People like to say they are “brutally honest.” I happen to think someone who brags of being “brutally honest” is a lazy jerk. Too lazy to consider the feelings of others, too lazy to find a way to turn the situation around, too lazy to be nice.
Niceness has gone out of style. Let’s bring it back.
Because it doesn’t cost you a damned thing, and you can make the world a better place.
~VOW
Exactly. “I’m just being honest” is generally just an excuse to say what you want with compassion or curtesy.
When honesty descends into meanness, it loses its effectiveness. I see that a lot on dog sites. That we slaughter millions of dogs a year for lack of homes upsets many people including me. I like to spread the blame further than some, but most agree ‘‘oops litters’’ are part of the problem. I find the ignorance of may dog owners amazing. ‘‘My puppy is bleeding from its vagina?’’ These people deserve all they get in my opinion. However, being mean to people may cause them to dig in and hold their ground rather than change their behavior. Yelling at people doesn’t change behavior.
People who are “brutally honest” usually enjoy the brutality more than the honesty.
(I don’t remember who said this.)
I think maybe you left something *out *of this sentence?
Trying to be compassionate & courteous while still being honest.
Perhaps, indeed, I did. :o
There you go!
Totally agree.
If you’re a genuinely supportive human being who doesn’t have ugly thoughts then being honest isn’t hurtful in the slightest.
Have you tried that?
Sure. There are always ways of being honest – about anything – without being cruel or mean about it.
Cruelty and meanness are separate traits from “honesty”. If you are cruel and honest it is because you are CRUEL and HONEST.