MOST of the time, there’s no need to be mean to be honest.
The only time that “mean” honesty is justified is when the person you’re addressing is doing something dangerous or harmful (to himself OR others), and you know that he won’t listen to sweet reason.
What you have to ask yourself is, will SOMEBODY besides you be better off as a result of what you say?
MAYBE you might have to get in the face of a beloved friend or relative and say, “You’re 100 pounds overweight, and if you don’t do something about it NOW, you’re going to an early grave.” IF you really believe that’s what it will take to get through to that person, and IF you really believe that person will be better off hearing those words, then you should say them.
That’s a far cry from insulting the person, or sneering “Put down the potato chips, lard butt” and then pretending you’re “just being honest.”
If you’re shopping with a good friend & she tries on an unflattering outfit, it’s OK to suggest another size, color or style might work better. Unless you’re really close, phrases such as “like a hippo” ought to be avoided.
If you’re at the party of the year & your friend shows up in an unflattering outfit, you tell her she looks great. In that setting, if the problem is broccoli stuck in the teeth or toilet paper attached to the shoe, tactful honesty is the best policy.
I have spent most of my adult life trying to be that kind of person…
But I think the job is too big. It’s like a Christian trying to be “Christ-like.” It really isn’t within our reach, at least for most of us.
“Not having ugly thoughts” is a lot harder than, say, brushing your teeth after every meal. It goes deeper than bone deep. It means making fundamental alterations in your core character.
I’d say, rather, that one should try to have fewer ugly thoughts. Try to improve your character; try to be a better person today than you were yesterday. But aspiring for perfection? I dunno…
“Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for?” Robert Browning
Without any specific context, I say yes-- by being tactful.
However, this doesn’t mean the person on the receiving end is always reasonable or open to an appropriate response to the situation.
Communication works both ways. There is a greater chance of a positive outcome, when one person can be tactful and the other is receptive. Knowing when to engage or disengage, avoiding the use of trigger words, etc. is also part of this. But yes, it’s very possible.
Honest doesn’t equal mean, it’s just that people use honesty as an excuse to be mean.
Did you ever see the episode of “All In The Family,” where Mike decides to play a game about honesty, with Gloria, Lionel, Irene, Frank and Edith. Then he winds up getting slammed by everyone and he can’t take it.
Then Mike asks Lionel to be honest with someone and tell them something they never have said, but wished they would. So Lionel tells Edith how scared his family was moving to the neighborhood and how grateful they are for Edith.
And Mike can’t understand why this is true. Mike is equating honesty with mean, while Lionel realizes even nice things can go unsaid.
Yes it is. I have this problem. I will tell people directly that I can’t stand them, or at least I used too. However, I’m often told that I’m very rude. So now, I just ignore them, or avoid them. It’s just they keep talking and talking, oh my God. God bless iPods, iphones, music. No one cares about other people’s problems. Seriously.
Why tell someone directly that you can’t stand them? What possible good could it do? If you can’t stand them, then quietly wander off and leave them alone. You are very right to have learned to just ignore or avoid people you can’t stand.
Talking never bothered me much. I enjoy listening. Sometimes, I learn stuff!
What don’t we want to talk about? That some people explain away their mean-spiritedness by calling it “honesty”? That many people do not know how to communicate effectively and politely while still being truthful? We have open discussions about everything in our culture, what makes you think the topic of “honest but not mean statements” is off the table?
It can be done, but like any other social skill it takes practice. My husband and I practice on each other. It helps that we do not want to hurt each other’s feelings, but need to be able to trust each other’s opinions. It took a while for him to understand that when I asked how this dress looked that I really, really did need him to tell me whether it was flattering or not. Of course there is a big difference between saying “that dress makes you look like you swallowed Greenland” and “that style doesn’t do you any favors”. It helps if you follow up with something like “maybe a different skirt length/color/etc.”
It’s basic tact, respect, and an understanding of context. As was mentioned before, you can make helpful, tactful comments when it is possible to make a change, as when you are shopping, getting ready to go out, etc, and making them when there it is too late (at the party, after the important presentation at work).
I do not think tact, as I understand the word, is necessary.
I often have to tell people the unvarnished and unpleasant truth. I do not tap dance, or do a good news sandwich, or any of that. In a patient and respectful voice, I tell people what the problem is. Then I thank them for their time, and assure them I will be available to answer any questions.
People do not enjoy this, but no-one has accused me of being mean.
