I scattered my father’s ashes in a river and was very thankful the wind was blowing away from me. I did not expect some of his remains to be that fine of a powder. Ashes to ashes indeed.
My grandfather was a WW2 veteran and, as such, was entitled to be buried in a national cemetery, which made his wife also eligible. She passed first and was interred in Calverton National Cemetery on Long Island. We took him to live with us in Massachusetts, but he made us promise to take him back to Calverton because he wanted to be next to is wife. He wanted this more than anything. There was no question about granting what amounted to a last wish. It was going to happen unless the world ended first and, when he did pass, that’s exactly what we did.
I don’t think I’d honor any request that was burdensome or would hurt someone (at least not without good reason). Not that my mother would do this, but if her last wish was that my sister not receive the china she loved so much then I wouldn’t honor it.
I would honor any reasonable requests. If it’s something that’s difficult financially or would be a burden for the living, I think it’s fine to not do it.
My family has the opposite problem. We never did anything with my dad’s ashes. My mom died this morning. 
She’s going to be cremated, and I think it might be nice to put them together, but the rest of my family don’t seem to care what happens. I don’t think they should be in a drawer forever.
If my wife would die tomorrow, (not likely, thankfully) I would be in a sticky situation. She comes from a family that does religious funerals, with open casket, etc. She hates that and doesn’t want any of it. She wants her ashes scattered in a special place. However, her mother is still alive and would be deeply troubled if we didn’t go the “traditional” route. Losing her daughter would be terrible of course, but then learning we weren’t going to bury her in the family plot after a religious funeral would seriously upset her. But, I would honor my wife’s wishes.
Well damn. I’m sorry, @MagicEyes.
Yes. I am sorry you are dealing with this and that she is gone.
Hope your father-in-law’s last days are as peaceful as possible.
My dad died in 2013, and my mom died in 2019. I’ve got five biological kids, and Mom wanted to do something for them as part of the distribution of her estate. She set up a trust and made me the administrator, and transferred all her monetary assets into that, with the stipulation that a set amount would be paid to each of her grandchildren on their 25th birthday.
Now, we’re not talking life-changing money here; my folks weren’t rich, by any stretch. Her intent was to leave each child with several thousand dollars – basically enough to buy a new car, if they so chose.
As her health declined, though, I was obliged to tap into the money in the trust to pay for her care. When she finally passed, there wasn’t enough to pay the amount she intended to each of the kids.
When the oldest three turned 25, I used the money remaining in the trust to give them each about half of what Mom had planned. I’ve got a few years remaining before the last two turn 25, so I’m investing my own money to provide them with an equivalent amount the older three received. It’s my hope to be able to give each of them the full amount Mom intended, but that may never happen.
On one hand, it’s frustrating to have this financial burden hanging over me. On the other hand, it’s a way to honor Mom’s wishes. And it’s for my kids, so it’s not like I’m being asked to come out of my own pocket for strangers or something.
This is wonderful parenting.
My own wish is to either die in hospital, so that I can donate all my organs, my skin, my corneas, everything but my well-abused liver.
Or, donate my body to medical science for disection. Let some medical students get some value out of me.
The remains are just medical waste and go into the same furnace.
I am not at all religous, but I would kind of like a wake, though, I should put that in my will. Because I am a cynic, I would request Nick Cave/Kylie Minogue song “Death is not the end”
It depends on what the last wishes are , how expensive they are and how much money was was left to cover them. My father’s only wish as far as I know was to have his wake at a particular funeral home ( I don’t know why) - that was easy enough. My mother - she may or may not tell anyone exactly what she wants but I have a pretty good idea and she won’t be getting all of it. She will want the most expensive casket and grave liner and at least a two day wake, but we will be lucky if she leaves enough money/insurance to pay for opening the grave.
I am not going to criticize this, but it did leave you with a financial burden, which I am sure your mother wouldn’t have wanted. I hear this sort of thing a lot - someone leaves some money to a relative but they only get it after they die/some other distant milestone. Why not give them the money now and see the loved ones enjoy/benefit from it while you are still alive?
My mother-in-law wanted to be scattered off the swim dock at her tiny lake house - for the rest of the summer there was a smattering of bright white ‘gravel’ on the lakebed just there…we never checked on the actual consistency, but much of her cremains were significantly coarser than dust… It wasn’t grotesque, but we never mentioned it to anyone else for a few years.
Yep. I’ve had more than one person tell me Mom bypassed me to leave money to her grandchildren. I understand the thought, but Mom didn’t realize the care she would require at the end of her life would be as expensive as it was, or last as long as it did. She (and I) thought I would get the lion’s share of the money she and Dad were leaving behind, with a not-insignificant amount going to her grandchildren.
In reality, the grandkids were the only ones with specified amounts named as part of the trust. Theoretically I could have told all my kids “tough noogies, there’s not enough left for you to get any” but that didn’t seem to be the right thing to do. She picked their 25th birthday as the date of distribution for each so they’d be more mature; she wanted to avoid them getting a “windfall” (such as it is) and blowing the money on gum and cookies, I think.
I agree with you, though; it stinks to feel this financial burden, as unintended as it may have been.
I’m sure my mother would have preferred to do that but it’s a good thing she didn’t . She made some bad financial decisions and had she given away her money 20 years ago, when it might have made a difference to her children , she just would have run out of money sooner. Which is why although I am giving my children some money now, it’s not a whole lot. I could live another 30 years ( or more - 90+ is not uncommon in my family)
My late wife was, ironically enough, an estate attorney.
Any bequest of a specific amount, unless its trivial, is a mistake. Give percentages. If you’re worried about your estate getting huge and the percentage to some minor interest becoming a too big amount of money, then write it as e.g. “2% of my trust balance, not to exceed $50,000” Any estate = wills & trusts attorney will know about these issues and shoudl be able to help you (any you) avoid the rookie mistakes.
As to why to leave money to kids or grandkids to be paid upon your death, rather than gift it to them earlier so you can watch them enjoy it, and enjoy it sooner, well … there are two main reasons.
Reason one is exactly what @Sauron experienced. There is no way to know how long you will live or how expensive that will be. Unless you’re pretty wealthy giving away material money in your 70s is a great way to die in penury after a linger decrepitude. And perhaps impoverish your kids trying to pay for you after they spent your windfall on fun decades ago as you’d wanted them to. Oops.
The other big reason is taxes. If Aged Mom bought a bunch of stock in the 1970s that has massively appreciated since she has a choice: Cash in $10K of stock, pay about $2,500 in taxes and give the kid $7,500 cash to spend now. Or wait until she dies, and the kid gets the whole $10K with no taxes. And gets it as stock, which encourages them to grow that wealth themselves by holding it, not just blowing on a vacation or a new Xbox.
This. My opinion is that you should honor any requests regarding especially the funeral and the final disposition of the deceased’s remains, as long as they are practicable, affordable, and don’t run contrary to the law and good morals.
I once read of a man, IIRC in England, who had been an avid fisherman, and, wanting to give back to the fish that had given him so much joy in life, directed that his ashes be mixed with fish feed and fed to the fish. His widow honored his request.
I read this as “Ann Margaret” at first, as in Ann-Margret, and I found the sentence most puzzling. Anyhoo…
I take a pretty dim view towards honoring most last wishes. If it’s something modest or reasonable, I may do it, but otherwise - sorry, they’re dead and they’re not here to see or care.
I’m afraid I don’t entirely agree with this platitude. Yes, they are for the living but - and my opinion here is very much YMMV - but IMO only to the extent that the deceased allows them to be. Funerals IMO are every bit as much for the dead as for the living, even if the dead are no longer conscious to witness them. Ultimately, it’s the dead person’s funeral, not the survivors’. I think you should have the right to be commemorated and buried according to your wishes. For example, if you are of a certain religion, you should have the right to receive the rites of that religion. If you’re an atheist and don’t want to be associated with religion, you should have the right to have an entirely secular funeral. And so on and so forth.
For what it’s worth, French law agrees with my view to a very high degree. Article 433-21-1 of the Penal Code maintains that:
“Toute personne qui donne aux funérailles un caractère contraire à la volonté du défunt ou à une décision judiciaire, volonté ou décision dont elle a connaissance, sera punie de six mois d’emprisonnement et de 7 500 euros d’amende.”
My translation: Every person who gives to a funeral a character contrary to the wishes of the deceased or to a judicial decision, of which wishes or decision they are aware, shall be punished by six months’ imprisonment and a fine of 7500 Euros. **
** Two disclaimers: First, herein I neither endorse nor condemn the severity of the above provision. Secondly, this is not legal advice. I don’t know if the penalty quoted would literally be the minimum penalty in all cases (I somehow doubt it) or if French penal law would allow a reduction in, suspension of, or probation for, the sentence stated.
That’s how they get ya!