So the time has finally come. My dear Mum died in June (aged 96) and I don’t think my Dad is far behind her. The funeral home has promised to keep her ashes for as long as we need, and honestly I haven’t given them a thought in the flurry of admin we’ve had to deal with in the last few weeks, but at some point I’m going to have to do something with them.
I may wait until my father passes so I can do something for them both, but what? I have visions of driving to their favourite seaside town where they went ‘courting’ and scattering the ashes in the sea. But how? Do people actually do that? Is it even allowed? Have you done that? Was it comforting or awful? I just can’t imagine it. I can’t even imagine holding the urn right now.
My parents were cremated and we buried their ashes in a cemetery with a tombstone. Except for a small portion of my mother’s ashes which were put in a pendant that my daughter wanted to have…
Never actually had to do it myself. I went to the spreading of my sister’s ashes in the mountains outside of Anchorage, but that was her children taking care of that. My son’s ashes were interred, as were my mother’s and my cousin’s. It’s a very messy business, I can tell you. My niece was covered with ash when a breeze sprang up. Our pets’ ashes are in small containers on a bookshelf, next to their photos.
I’m sorry for your loss. It’s hard losing parents, at any age. I like the idea of holding on to your mom’s ashes and someday scattering both your parents together on the beach. My father’s ashes were scattered at one of his favorite places, Half Moon Bay in Northern California. My stepfather’s (a Navy man) ashes were put half in Puget Sound and half in the Chesapeake.
Great grand dad’s ashes buried in the rock garden of their old house in Miami Beach area now known as little Haiti still there I imagine. Grandmas ashes were carried by a coast guard cutter then released in the Atl O.
If you’re considering burial at sea, this information from the US Environmental Protection Agency may interest you.
ETA: Sorry, I gather from your spelling and word choices that you’re not Amercian. You should be able to find information specific to your country online.
I’m sorry for your loss, @SanVito. I’ve done it twice. I was the coordinator once. Both times was in California
For my uncle I coordinated the event and it was not legal to do. I informed the group. We did it surreptitiously, and quickly. For my ex-wife’s grandmother I’m unaware if the group got any kind of permit but I doubt it. It was alone in the woods, far from anyone. I think we just did it.
Mom is sitting on the mantle next to the dogs. That was Dad’s decision, not anyone else’s. When he passes and is cremated I suppose my siblings and I will bury them somewhere.
My sister has both our parents’ ashes, in urns. At least I assume she still has them, we haven’t discussed them since my father died. I didn’t want to have them around, and I didn’t want to pay for someplace to put them. I wonder, as I write this, if she has plans for the disposition of them on her own demise. Probably leaving it up to her daughter, who is her executor.
She mentioned something to me about incorporating small amounts of the ashes into a glass ornament of some kind. She may have done this herself, she asked me if I wanted such an ornament and I said no thanks. I don’t need knickknacks to remind me who my parents were and what our relationship was, I live with that every day.
Dad was a veteran, so part of his ashes and part of my mom’s ashes are together in a columbarium in a national cemetery. We kids, grandkids, and spouses scattered the remainder of their ashes together in an undisclosed location in the Rocky mountains. I think this is a fairly common thing, i.e. scattering a loved one’s ashes in a place that held great meaning for them.
There is a temple in Japan that collects cremains from many people and molds them into statues of the Buddha:
Googling a bit, I see there are any number of artisans who will take your cremains and incorporate them into statues, glassworks, ornaments, or pretty much whatever you want and are willing to pay for.
My friend had her dad’s ashes turned into rocks (the funeral home arranged it all). Now she’s going around putting the rocks in all of his favorite places.
We have two sets of ashes right now, and we’re still trying to figure out what to do with them, since we never wanted either set.
One set of ashes is from our deceased cat. For some reason they sent the ashes to us, rather than whatever the vet customarily does with them. We’ve still got them in a cardboard box in our basement.
The other was a cousin. His wife sent them to us for some reason. We’re not sure what to do with them, or what can legally be done with them. Several family members have suggested a midnight clandestine trip to the cemetery to deposit these at the site of his parents.
We emptied a friend’s ashes into the lake at a park he frequented. Initially I asked if it was allowed, but the park employee told me no, but if we were discreet, nobody would bother us. Yes, a breeze came out of nowhere when his wife was dumping out the ashes.
In most states, cremation counts as “final disposition of the body,” as does burial, and the the cremains don’t count as a “body” under the law. They’re treated much the same as wood ashes or similar. There are some states that are exceptions to the general rule, including Indiana and maybe California. In general you legally can scatter the ashes at sea or on public property. If you are the landowner or have the owner’s permission, you can scatter or bury them on private property. See if you can track down a book called The Law of Death and the Disposal of the Dead by Hugh Bernard or Caring for the Dead by Lisa Carlson, both of which I seem to recall have state-by-state rundowns of applicable laws.
My FIL wanted his ashes to be scatter at sea. Turns out there are laws, and you have to go some number of miles out to sea before it’s legal, and there are actually boats that do that for you as a business (pay xx dollars and they’ll do it for you, xx+yy dollars and you can go along).
MIL didn’t want to have a big thing where all the kids come in from out of town for it, so that’s not happening.
When my mother passed, we buried the urn in her plot; we kept a very small portion of ashes (as in a pill bottle) and my brother scattered those surreptitiously in a place she loved.
My husband and I have joked for years that when his time comes, he wants to be cremated, and use a Pepe le Pew cookie jar as his urn.
A friend of ours found one online - the day my husband had knee surgery. The friend came to pick us up at the surgery center (I’d had wrist surgery and could not drive) - and my husband had given her the wrong street address number. She wound up in the parking lot of a FUNERAL HOME - 2 hours after purchasing the urn-to-be. Hilarity ensued.
The OP is not an American. But the general point remains that local regulations may limit your options. And local regulations can be flouted if you’re willing enough.
A couple years before my terminally ill first wife died, we bought a spot in her church’s crypt facility. It’s big enough for two urns. A couple weeks after her death that church performed her memorial service, and immediately after, the interment of the urn (box really) of ashes in the wall of the crypt. The space has the usual stone faceplate engraved with her names and dates.
A bit later her Mom died and I was her legal representative. She had not been a member of that church, but had attended services there occasionally, and had been impressed with how nice a job they did for her daughter. Despite a lifetime of protesting she wanted no celebration and her ashes to be dumped under a tree someplace, now she wanted the big fol-de-rol and to be interred there as well when her time came, but no actual arrangements had been made. Turns out they were willing and so her ashes are now in a different but otherwise identical crypt a respectful distance away.
I cannot fathom keeping the ashes or even a portion of them around the house. Not out of creepyness, just out of avoiding “Now what do I do with them?” my own life circumstances evolve towards elder and infirm.
I also cannot fathom burying them on my land, since I’ve moved so many times. For folks with truly ancestral estates that might make sense. But even if you now as an older adult are living on your Granddad’s farm, I think it’s a pretty good bet your own grandkids won’t be living on your farm by the time you or your kids need buryin’.