What are your feelings or opinions regarding another person’s last wishes and what you’d do about them? I’m thinking about run-of-the-mill requests as opposed to something really outrageous, tho you may feel free to address extreme examples.
I’m assuming answers run from “I’ll do everything in my power to honor their last request” to “Eh, they’re dead. Why would they or I care?”
Pretty soon, we’ll have to deal with my in-laws’ request to have their ashes spread in Cades Cove in the Great Smokies National Park. Some years back, they actually took my husband and daughter and showed them the exact spot they want to spend eternity. My FIL died a year ago and MIL is in the hospital with major heart problems, so she’s not likely to live much longer. A trip to Tennessee is in our near future.
Thankfully, that’s the extent of it. Neither of them cared much about their personal property, so my husband will decide how to deal with that. There are no heirlooms per se, but some items will be offered to the grandkids. And there are no pets that will require care. We will do our best to comply with their one request.
Are you facing or have you faced final wishes, difficult or otherwise?
I would have strongly guessed that scattering remains in a national park would be a huge no-no. Not so. Seems a very reasonable request to abide by.
I haven’t had to deal with any last wishes. My father left a will with nothing unusual, just a request that we peaceably and evenly divide his belongings amongst me and my brothers.
I think if I were to request my cremations be scattered somewhere specific, I might include funds from my estate to facilitate it. It may even be reasonable for the executor to bill the expenses of getting to the Smokeys, including lodging. If so, I would, and without much reservation.
Having this conversation with my husband last night. He started to say, “I want my ashes scattered on the peak of Mount…” but then my laughter drowned him out and I told him he’d be scattered in the back pasture where the pets are buried.
Seriously, I would make an effort to fulfill a loved one’s last wishes, but probably as a way to help heal my own grief. If it was something just too difficult, I’d soon get to, “Eh, they’re dead.”
I think it sort of depends on the last wish! My best friend’s grandmother wanted her dog euthanised after she died as she didn’t think the dog could survive the grief. The family ignored that wish and her daughter gave the dog several more happy years in her home.
My mother’s last wish was to have her ashes scattered by the sea. So when my Dad dies (can’t be long, he’s 96), I’m planning on hiring a big house near their favourite beach for a family get together/weekend. I figure it will be a nice way for the family to reunite as we are rather scattered, as well as commemorate my parents.
Sorry to read about your in-laws. After my mother died my father decided to spread her ashes in a beutiful spot on the Olympic peninsula in Washington. I am not sure if they discussed it beforehand. When he died three years later, we hadn’t discussed what he wanted, either, so the decison fell to me, and I took his cremains to the same spot where I put mom. I figured he’d want that (but not sure how mom felt about it), as they retired in that area and it was the last place they were happy.
Anyway, the take-away is to at least have the conversation so those still living have an idea of what you want (something my still alive in-laws refuse to discuss). I would try to honor someone’s last wishes as long as it’s feasible. Besides, what may ultimately happen to someones ashes after keeping them for years? May as well do what they wished soon after they’re gone.
Hey, at least you have a preference to work with. My mom is 88 and I have repeatedly asked her, and all she says is she doesn’t believe in wasting money on burials, strongly dislikes religious services, was on the fence on medical donation until she recently decided against based on some news articles, and so we can do what we want.
I guess those are indeed all last wishes, but largely expressed in the negative.
Am I a bad person for laughing out loud when I clicked on that link, and saw the first line which states:
“Obtaining permission to scatter ashes does not exempt you from the parking tag requirement.”
I doubt my last wishes will be fulfilled. I’ve requested my ashes be spread over an unsuspecting crowd of people, preferably members of congress or Yankee fans.
So long as the final requests are reasonable, I have no problem carrying them out. I have an aunt who wanted a funeral, wanted to be buried (no cremation), and didn’t want to donate any organs. She even left ample funds for a funeral, so it’s not like it cost us anything. No problem. If someone were to request their ashes be spread at Disney World, I wouldn’t carry through with it.
You’d be imagining correctly. Having to remove human remains from The Haunted Mansion is not a daily occurrence but it happens often enough that they’re used to it.
My sister and I honored Mom’s last wishes about re-homing her cat with a kind neighbor who’s been very happy with the new-to-her pet. We also complied with the burial site request.
There weren’t any other expectations, and my sympathy goes out to those survivors who have to cope with less reasonable demands. I’ve heard of people extracting deathbed promises from their soon-to-be-widowed spouses that said spouse would never marry again.
That seems too controlling, IMHO, and causes trauma for survivors who want to honor their promise to a beloved partner but don’t like the prospect of perpetual singledom that they unwillingly signed up for.
The OP was talking about any sort of request, not just ash-scattering. Trying to tack back to that center …
My wife died a couple years ago after a long illness. So the exact timing was a surprise, but the approaching reality had been obvious for years. She & I had a arranged for a niche at her church to hold her urn & ashes, so that part was simple.
I found the instructions she had left for her preferred music and scripture readings about 3 months after the funeral service. Oops.
Would I have followed her wishes had I known of them? Sure. Did I luck into doing anything correctly? Nope. Was the service a success? Yes. Do I feel bad about this? It’s a teeny negative bump in the overall negative experience of losing a spouse.
Regarding Disney, you’d think they’d view it as another money-making venture. Have your remains made into a brick that is built into a wall in the part. For a nominal fee, of course…
I helped with a friend’s distribution of cremains. He wanted them “spread” at a lake where he fished and relaxed. A park employee taught me that spreading ashes isn’t something you ask for permission to do, rather you do it quietly and discreetly. (when I asked for permission he told me he couldn’t give permission, but neither would he interfere. He said most places are like that)
It was a spring day, and of course it was windy. There were many tears, mostly from Joe getting in peoples’ eyes.
My son died shortly after his 30th birthday after battling cancer for 2-1/2 years. As a mother, watching your child suffer is the most helpless feeling there is. After 2 years, he knew he wasn’t going to win the battle. He only asked two things of me. He said, I don’t want to die in a hospital and I don’t want anyone looking at me when I’m dead" (funeral viewing). So I granted both of those wishes. He died at home and his cremains were at his memorial/life celebration. It was the only two things I was able to do for him.
