Alright, here’s what happened:
On Thursday morning, I came into work as usual. I said hello to the two people–the lab manager and another post-doc–in the lab and settled down behind my desk for a long day of work.
The lab manager, who we shall call B., asked if I was having a bad hair week. (I’ve been wearing headscarves all week). I remarked, “No. I’m just fighting the humidity. And I’ve been too lazy to do anything with my hair.” There was no cheer or bubbliness in my voice because it was early in the morning and because the question was a bit irritating in its personal nature, but I was neither rude or terse with my reply.
I become engrossed in my work for the next hour or so. The next thing I know, B. is gone. I ask the other post-doc about his whereabouts and she doesn’t know. We scratch our heads about it all day. It’s strange for him to just pick up and leave without letting anyone know. We wonder if maybe he’s sick or dealing with a family emergency.
She calls him on his cell phone to ask a general question, and in doing so asks if he’s okay. He says he isn’t doing okay, that he may never return. When she tells me this, we try to guess what happened. We can’t come up with anything. We depart at the end of the day deciding that he’s just having another bad, melodramatic day.
Friday morning, I come to work to find a letter on my desk. It reads:
I wish I could say this is bizarre, but it is not. This has happened multiple times (like at least once a month). One moment will we will be laughing and talking, and then the next moment (without exaggeration) he will be accusing me of hating him or being angry at him. I have NEVER been angry at him, and I have shown him nothing but kindness and workplace-appropriate friendilness. When I insist I’m not angry at him, he never believes me. What he doesn’t seem to understand is by constantly asking why I’m angry, he is MAKING ME ANGRY. No one else in the lab has this problem with me. I’ve been told I have a reputation for being sweet and nice, not mean and hostile.
This is the first time he hasn’t come to work because of this shit. And also the first time he’s ever put his off-the-wall feelings in writing.
We had a perfectly normal day on Wednesday. We talked, laughed, worked just like we normally do. The two of us ate pizza together for lunch (with a group of other people), and when we went back to the lab, we entertained ourselves for a few minutes by looking up “pesto sauce” and “silverfish” in Wikipedia. Just for laughs. Nothing weird or bizarre or awkward happened on Wednesday. Nothing happened weird or bizarre or awkward on Thursday morning. How can I be creating a hostile work environment when we’re always talking and laughing?
He did not show up on Friday, which was just fine with me because his letter frankly disturbs me. The other coworkers that I talked to about this agrees that B. has lost his mind, that he’s perceiving a reality that does not exist, and that he is fixated on me in ways that are unhealthy and inappropriate for the workplace. We believe that he has sexual feelings for me and that my lack of reciprocation is causing this. Which increases the creep factor one-hundred fold.
I’m scared. Yesterday, when I was walking to my car, I kept expecting him to pop out and jump me. I don’t know if he has violent tendencies, but he’s a big burly guy with an explosive temper.
My coworkers think I should sit him down and talk to him about this. But, as I said, this is not the first time we’ve gone around this mulberry bush. We’ve had a “sit down” before. Usually, I end apologizing for whatever is he thinks I did (even though I know I didn’t do anything) and I promise to do better just so that the conflict can be resolved. And this works for maybe a couple of weeks. Well, I’m through with this shit. I’m tired of apologizing and being made to feel guilty for stuff I haven’t done. I’m tired of dealing with these heady emotional issues at WORK. This is harrassment and I’m ready to go to the boss with this.
But there’s something that’s holding me back. B. is a valuable employee. The boss has employed him for years and years–which is unusual in an academic setting. B. knows everything about running the lab. During the two days that he was gone, the lab fell apart. The boss kept calling with questions that none of us could answer, and none of us post-docs knew what to do with the technicians. It was a mess. If I go to the boss with this and B. gets fired, I’m going to feel really really bad. The lab is going to be very chaotic without a lab manager, and I’ll feel responsible. I’m not sure I want everyone in the whole department (because word travels fast) to know that B. was canned because of monstro.
On the phone on Thursday, B. implied that he might to quit, but he is ALWAYS making such threats. He has done it at least three times while I’ve been here. If he doesn’t quit and the boss doesn’t fire him, I’m going to feel very uncomfortable working in the lab. How do you work with someone who’s obviously obsessed with you? My job requires going out in the field with this guy…I’m not sure I’m brave enough to be alone with him in the lab, let alone out in the middle of nowhere. My ability to do my job is being threatened by this craziness. But I still don’t know what to do. I feel like nothing good can come out of this.
I didn’t hate B. before this, but I sure hate him now.
