Hot Monkey Sex

Is apparently vastly overrated.

Mrs. Plant and I are watching the great apes at the zoo.
The male chimp repeatedly tugs at the female’s shoulder, as in “Come on, time to go. Stop looking at the silly humans.” but actually means, “Come on, Baby!”
He pushed her down, she says “EEK!” and shows him her teeth, which means “Mama told me not to come.” He has his way with her, dogg…er, chimp style for, oh, twenty or thirty seconds. She scampers off and he walks around with this bic lighter sized thing, waiting for the zoo keepers to throw fruit. I guess this is where the post coital behavior, “Make me a sandwich” evolved from.

Oh, you just saw it when they weren’t showing off.

Woman wanted some fruit, so she was bitchin’ about not getting fruit while she was getting probed.

You saw the monkey equivalent of the male monkey saying something like “You’re a nasty whore for daddy, aren’t you slut?”
…and the female monkey not digging it and calling an end to the festivities prematurely.

Damn them female monkeys.

Lots of teeth, though.
Lots and lots of teeth, teeth bigger than his whatsis.

Upon reflection, chimpanzes have in my experience never appeared to be respective of female sensabilities.

You damn, dirty (non) apes!
Yeah, chimps aren’t very discerning. They take the human male’s third rule and run with it to an extreme:
If there’s a hole, something’s going in it.

My bad. They are apes. They’re great apes.

Bad Trevor.

The only time I was at the Knoxville Zoo, my friends and I were exposed to the entertainment that is Gorilla Sex.

Like the obnoxious grad students we were, we laughed. Lots.

So, I’m watching one of those Walking with Dinosaurs things on TV where they have the really impressive CGI dinos, screwing and having babies and killing and eating each other? And they had an episode about the earliest “people,” really just monkeys that walked upright–so they couldn’t actually show them screwing anymore, though one of them did get eaten by this tiger thing.

But it got me wondering: when did cave people go from doing it monkey/doggy style to missionary style?

Eh, mediocre apes at best. :slight_smile:

Probably well before they were cave people and not apes. Even apes don’t restrict themselves to dogmonkey sex.

When we stopped being so damn Neanderthal ugly that we could actually stand to look at each other while doing it.

Yeah, but the primeval way is so much more fun.

Some of us never did.

:eek: You know far more about hot monkey sex, and are far more resentful to female monkys, than I really want to think about.

But to address to OP, well, “I want to fuck you like an animal” is a good line, but generally animal sex is pretty boring. We’re the only real perverts on this planet. And we’re the only ones who do it for fun. In other words we’re the only ones who do it properly (well, maybe the bonobos. You always have to make an exception for the bonobos. I think the chimps do it for domenience which is not quite the same thing as fun.)

And Eve, you know the theory that we have tits just to echo our asses and convince guys to turn us over? But no, I have no idea when that happened.

Slightly off topic, but I saw this example of a male dog’s rather uncouth coital behavior and thought it somewhat relevant:


Unfortunately, the URL might give it away. :eek:

Well, how many species’ females have the hip flexion to use missionary?

I believe that Quest for Fire was the first documented incident of this transition.

this sounds like a reasonable starting point:
when upright walking progressed to the point where there was enough range of motion in the hips.

and you make me giggle and giggle all day long…

I’m not so sure, myself. Anyone who’s ever checked a dog for ticks or fleas has observed the hip abduction possible–particularly in dogs with hip dysplasia. It’s not exactly something I think about much, but the resulting … anatomical position can be rather similar to the situation during vanilla sex.

[sub]Truly, this place is going to the dogs.[/sub]

:eek: You know far more about hot monkey sex, and are far more resentful to female monkys, than I really want to think about.

Patches…the 5 year old chimp that I had an affair with…she didn’t kiss it when I pulled out…sob