How about another mini-rant thread?

The BBQ Pit
61

Unrelated mini-rants:

  1. Leatherfaced-80s-Hair-Woman-With-The-Perpetual-Scowl-At-Work (not her real name)- I know that you’re in the process of a divorce. I know your ex-husband was unfaithful to you. I know that it’s hard adjusting to life in a new house as a single parent and all that. I know that your ex-husband’s the biggest prick on Earth who’s probably had affairs with animals and his mother on the same day and left both cussing him. BUT COULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT JUST FOR ONE GODDAMNED DAY!!! You’re the best argument for quitting smoking there is because I’ve worked here for months and EVERY DAMNED TIME I GO SMOKE THERE YOU ARE WITH YOUR CRONIES GOING ON AND ON AND ON AND ON and calling your ex-husband every kind of “motherfucking son-of-a-bitch” and “sorry fat-ass lazy piece of shit” you can think of (in the presence of students I might add, something I’d warn you about the first couple of times and then fire you for) and you just need to learn how to fucking deal with it because I’m sick and fucking tired of hearing about it and voices as grating as your’s are impossible to ignore especially when elevated. I’ll admit it takes some talent to be offered a slice of pizza and somehow twist that into how “That 22 year old cumbucket he’s with now’s gonna ditch his 280 pound sorry ass when I get done with him and I’m putting the kids in the most expensive private school I can find just to make him pay cause I’m gonna leave him BROKE! YOU HEAR ME! THAT MUTHAFUCKER’S GONE BE BROKE!” all while eating said pizza, but enough already. I’ve never met your husband and not only do I think I’m beginning to understand his affair a bit more but I’d personally grant him sole custody of the kids, the dogs, and drilling rights for your kidneys if it would just make you SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONE SINGLE DAY!!! Get counselling, swallow hot coals, kill your ex and his girlfriend and go to jail after a three state high speed diaper wearing astronaut chase, but PLEASE SHUT UP!!!

  2. Foreign-guy at the Charter Cable- ahem- tech support line: I know you’re just doing your job, and that’s why I was polite, but when I’m calling to report for the fourth time in two days that my High Speed Internet is out and you guys still don’t have even an estimate of when it’s going to be up again and you’re still billing me for the digital box that I brought back three months ago and you’ve just spent 20 minutes convincing me to upgrade my service to include cable telephone only to conclude with “oops! So sorry… not avairagablle in your area… should be by 2008…I can put you on leest!” and I’m still being polite but curt, does that really sound like a good time to try to upsell me to a 4 HBOs/3 Showtimes value pack? I think not. (And related rant: WHY GIVE A TECH SUPPORT NUMBER WHERE THE ONLY OPTION IS TO PAY YOUR BILL!? MY BILL’S NOT ONLY CURRENT BUT I HAVE A $2.10 CREDIT SOMEHOW AND YET THAT’S THE ONLY OPTION AND THEN IT TELLS ME “PUNCH 9 TO END THIS CALL”!!! Bitches. I totally understand why so many Charter customers are leaving you to shack up with that 22 year old cumbucket, bec… oh sorry, wrong minirant.

  3. Really lame: I understand that those clip-on earpieces are convenient when you’re talking on your cell phone. But hon, they’re not fashion accessories… take them out when the call’s over. You just look kinda retarded walking around with one when there’s no call.

  4. Sister, darlin’: I know you’re lonely and you don’t have many friends and to the extent I can be sorry for something that’s not my fault I’m sorry about that. But STOP. FUCKING. CALLING. ME. EVERY. DAMNED. NIGHT. AND. THREE. TIMES. ON. WEEKEND. NIGHTS. and then acting offended and hurt that I don’t talk three hours every time. And believe it or not I’m really not screening calls all the time (only about 50%-67% of the time)- sometimes I’m honestly not there. Love ya, but you’ve got all the money and all the free time most people dream about- get out and make some friends or learn to live without 'em, but do it without having to call me and ask about my blood sugar or tell me about your husband’s gout 12 times in 48 hours. I’m 40, you’re not yet 50, we’ve really got a few years before we’re into the “Texas Hold-Em: Health Problem Round” (“I’ll open with constipation and a possible blood clot”- “See and raise a striated hernia and a bleeding hemorrhoid”) of conversations. I loved our mother and miss her very much but I can’t honestly say I’ve ever once thought “Damn I miss hearing about Mama’s bowel movements… like the time she kept me hanging on whether the softener ever allowed her to pass that hard golfball sized one that wouldn’t come out… my that wa a story.” While yours aren’t quite as bad and while I appreciate your concern about my health, we really don’t need to be going to where not even our old relatives got til they were a good couple of decades on us.

  5. Rosie O’Donnell… shut the fuck up and go… do something that rich lesbians do.

  6. Dogs, don’t make me have to start crating you again. We’ve talked about this…

62

Oh, and… debit card users: if the clerk can’t get an acceptance on your debit or credit card, even when s/he’s tried it twice, take it up with your bank. The onus of proving its validity is upon you. Don’t hold up a line insisting there’s money available there- the clerk really doesn’t have access to your bank records, just get out of line and if there’s an error call up the bank and see what the problem is. I use my debit card all the time, I’ve had it refused when there was plenty of money in it- usually it was as simple as the bank’s computers were down, but it’s not the clerk’s fault. Don’t try to argue it, don’t tell him to re-run it sideways for $.30 at a time, don’t give him your financial records from 1997 to the present- just leave the line. (This sounds like a once in a forever thing, but it’s happened SEVERAL times- they want to stay there and bitch like the customer is just making shit up when he says “I can’t get an authorization”.)

63

My doctor and the hospital: That’s twice now that you’ve given me a urine pregnancy test and I’ve told you over and over that I’m not pregnant and I haven’t had sex for years, dagnabbit.
It’s absolutely impossible for me to be pregnant, and since I’m over forty years old and I’ve been a responsible adult for quite a long time, I think you ought to take my word for it. What, I might really be pregnant and I get some kind of weird kick out of the idea of having an endometrial biopsy and a D&C while pregnant, because wouldn’t that be funny? Seriously?
I’m not pregnant!! You’re charging my insurance company an average of $20 bucks each time you do it, too, you bloodsuckers.

64

you with the face,

I am one of these “Hello?” people of which you speak. My explanation?

I have poor number recognition skills. Often names don’t appear in a caller ID, and all you get is numbers. Common numbers, I recognize. Or sometimes the caller ID will say something like DC SUBURB and I’ll think, “My sister is from a DC SUBURB”.

But occassionally, I guess wrong. Like, I work with a person who just moved from a DC suburb and she hasn’t changed her cell phone number. One day she called me and I saw DC SUBURB on the caller ID. So I picked up the phone and said, “Hey, gurrrl!” And my coworker was all, “Um, do I have the wrong number?” And then I realized my mistake and felt embarrassed.

So that’s why I’m formal when I pick up. I don’t want to make any ASSumptions.

Also, I’m so used to saying “Hello?” that it’s jarring to say the caller’s name. Even when my boss calls the lab and I know it’s him, I always say the professional phone greeting because I don’t want him to think I address people based on what’s on the caller ID. I’m robotic like that.

65

A call I got yesterday at work:

(Background - this is a new office, ergo a new phone number for us.)

DIPWAD: May I speak to Vicky Lee?

ME: I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.

DIPWAD: Oh, so can I just leave her a message then?

ME: Wha-huh? No, I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.

DIPWAD: So, are you saying you don’t know who she is, or that she’s not there?

ME: MA’AM YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER. THERE IS NO ONE HERE BY THAT NAME.

ME (again!): (Hangs up phone.) Jesus CHRIST!

66

I’m talking about cellphones, girl. Cellphones that you can program with people’s names and numbers. Notice how everytime you call me on my cell, I never say “hello?” as if it’s some big mystery that you’re calling me? It’s because I know it’s you, that’s why. And I don’t have time for such foolishness.

I don’t get mad when you answer “hello?” because you’re one notch above the rotary phone and I understand this. So it’s okay.

67

Dear astronomy departments where Mr. Neville has applied for a job (you know who you are):

Make a fucking decision and tell us, one way or the other. It’s gotten so the waiting and not knowing is harder than knowing that he’s not going to get an offer from you. I would like to come to your department, grab you by the collar, and shake you.

68

Cool.

'Cuz I was about to drive up to DC SUBURB so I could kick your ass.

:wink:

69

{Amazon Women on the Moon}
“WHAT?!?.. There ain’t no FUCKIN’ Thelma here, man! Look, da bitch don’t live here!! Fuck you too!”{/AWOTM} :smiley:

70

Looks at the calender

It is now April 6. April Fools Day was 5 days ago. On April 3, a website that I like to read changed it’s message board to re-direct visitors to a forum that has absolutely nothing to do with the original topic. It’s just completely random. (Apparently the joke was that they changed it 2 days after April Fools. :rolleyes: )

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, it has been 3 days and still the joke board is up! April Fools Day is a juvenile holiday in it’s own right, but to continue the prank almost a full week later? :rolleyes: :mad:

71

Yes. I am much too into him/too much of a coward to bring up the subject myself and risk a breakup. :smack: I know it doesn’t matter who brings it up first if we’re going to end up breaking up anyway, but I still can’t bring myself to make the first move. Sad and pathetic, but there you go.

72

Ok, I Pit you with the face. What a fucking bitch you are! God, I’m glad I don’t have anybody like you in my life. Fuck!

73

Dear Guy yelling at the security screeners in the Vienna airport:

Look, I don’t even know what it was that you had in your luggage that was not allowed. I missed that part. However, from the way your conversation was going, I’m assuming it was some sort of drink.

When they say they can’t change the rules, they’re not kidding. They really, really can’t. Their bosses also can’t change the rules. No one can make an exception for you (also, what makes you so special that you feel that they should?) Anyway, I do understand that there was nowhere on the other side of the gate to buy a drink, and that really does suck- trust me, I was sick with a sore throat, and not having a bottle of water was killing me. But did I yell and scream at the security people? No. Because here’s a novel idea: It’s not their fault. They don’t make the regulations. They just have to enforce them and deal with idiots like you yelling at them for it.

So shut the fuck up. Learn the regulations, and pack for them. Yes, they do seem arbitrary and silly, and they suck, but they’re not going to change for you, so get used to it. Also, your yelling made my headache worse.

74

Huh?

75

Hello?

76

I pit you upstairs neighbors. You are fuckwits. I know that it is fun to party because you work 3 weeks straight and then get a week off. I would probably party a little on my week off. The difference is, I think I would go out, not invite 7 people to live with me for a week because, ya know, it’s kinda a small apartment (half the size of mine) and it’s also not in your lease.

Another thing, you fucking smoke inside. I don’t care when it’s contained, or when you do it on the porch, but when I can smell smoke in any room of my house, please stop. That is another thing the landlord specifically asked you not to do. I’m sure he doesn’t mind that there are 7 of you staying here and smoking. After all, he is giving you a discount since only 2 of you live there.

Yet another thing. When we moved in, we were given access to the driveway and told that upstairs dwellers must park in front of the house. That was not a big problem for you, the first few months, you got it fine. Now, please understand, I drive a Hyundai, it can fit anywhere. But Mrs. Small has (for a few more weeks) a full size Dodge truck. Our street is so narrow that when there are cars parked on it on both sides, there is only room for one lane of traffic. You need to fucking park better. I can give you a few suggestions. First, move the car that is actually sticking out in the driveway forward. There is no reason not to, other than you are an inconsiderate fucking prick. There is a ton of room. I know, I had to park my car there yesterday because I couldn’t get into my driveway. Second, do not park directly across from my driveway. It is difficult to pull in when there is no car there, but your friends can park anywhere on this street (and that is not such an unreasonable request. A car length would make a world of difference and there is not another car for at least 500 ft.)

Lastly, fuck off. I heard that you called our landlord about us. I know because he called and asked me about it. He’s not happy. Apparently, you are having trouble paying your rent* and tried to complain to get the price lowered. You told him that because my dog barked all night you couldn’t get any sleep. He didn’t believe you and I don’t either. She has never barked unless we tell her to or there are people on the porch and she is awake. This wouldn’t happen at night because we shut her in the bedroom with us, so she has no way of bothering you. I imagine that we could complain to him about the people running up and down the stairs at 3 am, or the 3 country songs you put on repeat and turn up loud every day when you leave. I’m not going to. From the way it sounds, the things he knows about will get you evicted, not my complaints. I hope you leave soon…

Next - ex-neighbor who still comes here. Fuck you twice. I noticed the other day that your large Lincoln that your mom bought you was parked in a handicapped spot on campus. Yeah, parking is a problem, but I imagine it’s a bigger problem for the people who are really handicapped and only have 6 spots there. Why do you take one up? I asked your girlfriend (who is in my class) because I thought, “maybe he’s on crutches or something”…

No, she said you were lazy. That it hurts your knees to walk all the way across the parking lot. You poor baby - I wish someone would just come by and crowbar you in the knees a few times. You don’t need the fucking handicap sticker, and I know how you got it. You took it from your grandmother because she doesn’t use it that much. I notice that you are still around my house a lot, even though you were evicted. I notice it hanging in your window every time and I just want to smash through a window and take it so you can’t use it. You have no right to it, and what makes you think you are so entitled? Honest, you got fired from your job and got evicted - plus you haven’t held a job since. Apparently, living in your grandparents basement is a good deal for you, and I can understand, but then why do you come in town 4 nights a week (and now that school started, you are here during the day when you should be in class) and stay at the apartment you were evicted from. I don’t like you. I know the neighbors might, but you take up a large amount of space on this Earth and have done nothing to deserve the air you breathe. I hope that life catches up to you and you have to grow up. I also hope you burn in a special level of hell for taking up handicapped spots that you do not need because you are lazy. I know you have no documented problems with your knees - I see you playing football out here once a week. Fuck off.

Brendon

77

Dear sinuses,

You suck. Wish I could blow. Can’t. I hate you.

Me.

78

I pit the combination of fresh air and my brain. Why is it that the moment I step out of the grocery store into the air, it activates the deep dark hidden region in my hippocampus in charge of the grocery list, to say, “Haha, rest-of-brain! You forgot exactly one item once again!”

79

Well, anyone who’s got such petty bullshit rules for her friends and who keeps going on about it over and over sounds like a real pain in the ass. Saying “Hello” when you answer the phone is a natural thing to do. People have been doing it (almost) since phones were invented. Maybe her “friends” do it just because they know it annoys the hell out of her. I think I would, if I knew anyone who had such a petty bullshit rule for me as a friend, but I don’t, thank goodness.

I wonder how many other petty bullshit rules she’s got for her friends, and I wonder what they all say about her behind her back.

80

Oh, for crying out loud. Get a life and then die. Please. It’s a fucking MINI rant. I already said it was a petty concern. Never have I demanded my friends do anything. It’s just a minor petpeeve of mine, you goddamn idiot bastard.

On edit: I’m extra snarky today because I just got two teeth pulled, which is why I called you a “goddamn idiot bastard”. If it wasn’t for the pain I’m experiencing right now, you would have just been called a plain ole regular idiot for taking a fucking MINI rant so seriously.