Work Rant: People are fucking insane AND stupid!!!

Someone send me an extra-large bottle of sanity at my place of work. Or something.

This is really a collection of random rants that have been simmering for some time.

PHONE RANTS
Slow down when you give your goddamned phone number!!!
I’ve stopped counting how often someone is leaving a voice mail (which half the time is rambling, overlong, and incoherent anyway) then, when they get to their phone number, say something like “my phone number onetwothreefoursixeightninethree” which, if I’m lucky, I will decipher after rewinding the v-mail about 14 times.

Even worse are people who you are speaking to directly, in real time, who do this then get pissed off you didn’t catch the number the first time. So after sufficient cajoling they repeat themselves - even faster

Real simple concept here - if you don’t leave contact information in understandable format I can’t call you back.

Do NOT use your cellphone to record a new voice mail message It will sound like shit.

REVIEW your fucking phone message. I am apalled at the number of v-mail recordings that sound like someone is underwater being deep-throated by some large sea animal. DO NOT eat while recording. DO NOT go “er… um…uh…” like the fucking drooling idiot you actually are.

MANAGEMENT RANT
Don’t fucking yell at your secretary her first day back from vacation. If you really couldn’t function without her those few days you shouldn’t have authorized time off. If you didn’t ask the person covering for her (me) to do something that isn’t HER fault - it’s YOUR fault.

The silent treatment. Don’t fucking do this to people. It’s worse than yelling at them. At least when you yell at them you’re acknowledging they exit. Treating someone with less consideration than the furniture or the rent-a-plants is just fucking low.

GENERAL STUPIDITY
Don’t wear a wool suit when it’s 100 degrees out. That’s just fucking stupid. You don’t look professional when your hair is soaking wet with sweat and you smell like a dead sheep with a serious need for deodorant. If you MUST wear a suit at a meeting carry that fucker to work in a garment bag and change there, but for Og’s sake don’t attempt mass transit + wool garments + Chicago summer, m’okay?

If the CEO has to carry a fucking ID card so do you

I love the imagery! :smiley:

Thank yew!.. thank yew!.. I’ll be here all week folks!

Probably got a half dozen others cooking on the back burner. Frankly, I’ve had a baditude all week. I’m having to wait on the leisure of three hundred other people (so it seems) and I can’t finish anything that’s been started.

I am tired of desparate people calling me from airports going 'GET ME HOME!!!" as if I had some magical pull with the airlines or the weather gods. If the fucking airline says you’re delayed due to “mechanical problems” I have no way to confirm or deny that - even if I was standing in front of the goddamned airplane I am not qualified to diagnose and/or treat the ailments of large passenger jets. If you have “SSSS” on your ticket I’m sorry - prepare for strip-search. Please don’t sob - it not only looks unprofessional, but it makes me feel bad, too. And I’m working as fast as I can on teleportation but unless you up my salary funding levels will simply not increase on that extra-curricular project, sorry.

I am tired of this GOD DAMNED HEAT!!! This is supposed to be the fucking frozen north. It ain’t. I’m tired of people being bitchy cause they’re overheated. I’m tired of ME being bitchy because I’m overheated!

I want to throttle the bitch who uses half a can of hairspray every hour in the ladies’ room.

Why the fuck don’t people call maintenance/building manager when there’s a fucking problem? They’ll bitch and bitch that the coffee maker is leakig or a toilet is clogged but will they fucking TELL someone who can DO something about it? HELL NO!

Do. Not. Steal. My. Lunch.

Do not indulge in personal hygiene on the morning commuter train. Granted, the man who used to shave on the train has not been seen for some time (thank Og), but nails - finger or toe - hair styling, and other happy horseshit should be done at home. Or at least in the bathroom on said train.

Anyone who bitches about people taking a shit in a public toilet - go fuck yourselves. It’s a toilet. If I feel compelled to make a noon day deposit where do you suggest I leave it - your desk? If you weren’t so anal-retentive you’d understand that normal people shit. By the way - yours stinks, too.

If you must adjust your underwear do it where no one will see it.

When entering an elevator, being in excess of six feet of height or greater than 300 lbs does not grant you the right to mow down and trample smaller occupants of said elevator.

“Getting a cup of coffee” does not mean “one hour excursion to Starbuck’s”

Well, don’t just fucking STAND THERE staring at this post like it’s a three-car accident involving nude midgets, four cats, and a firetruck - ADD YOUR OWN!!! I want to see a bitchfest, a pissing-and-moaning party.

Thank you! I get at least three messages a day with with something like “please call me back right away at fouroneohsixoneseventwosomethingsomethingsix; it’s vital that I talk to you right away!” If they’re in the office, I can usually reach them through their company’s main exchange (and thanks so much for forcing me to look that up), but when they’re traveling and want me to reach them on a cell phone, it’s impossible.

May I add:

If it’s long and complicated, maybe it’s better to send an email. I try to get the details right, but when you try to explain the components of a six by nine mail matrix in a voicemail message, I’m going to misinterpret something (and you have nothing to check to show that you told me correctly to begin with). If you don’t think email is as “important” sounding as a voicemail message, you can just leave me a phone message saying you sent an email and could I please take a look at it.

Who ya gonna call?

Hint: it’s not Ghostbusters!

"Are you crazy? You can’t cut the cheese wherever you please!

That’s just nasty!"

<hijack>

“SSSS” = “Strip-Search So Sexy”?
“Strip-Search, So Shutup!”?
“Smuggling Sativa: Strip Search!”?
“Sex-Starved Security Sylph”?

</hijack>

[cue ringing cell phone]

SCL: “Hello?”

Caller: “Is this A#@$@% Cats of Columbus?”

SCL: “No, this isn’t. I worked with that organization several years ago, but I am no longer involved with them.”

Caller: “They won’t answer the phone and they don’t return my calls.”

SCL: “I’m sorry, but I no longer work with that organization.”

Caller: “I’ve left a bunch of messages…”

And so on. I had one woman keep me on the phone repeating “I don’t work for them” for 10 minutes.

I realize they don’t answer the phone. I am very aware they are not returning phone calls. The boss of that group is an egomanical retired cardiologist with delusions of benevolence. He is extremely intelligent but not totally sane. I DON’T WORK THERE ANY MORE!! And don’t call me for the fourth day in a row (this was the third) and pretend you didn’t call me yesterday! And the day before…

MEMO
TO: All those who call me at work
DATE: Everyday
SUBJECT: Piss off

Dear All,

I know this may be a hard concept for you to grasp but perhaps you should keep trying? Specifically to you Mr. twoonesevensixfivezeroeightninenineonesix…please, for the love of pete, if you do insist on leaving voicemail, do it in a clear concise manner. Also, leaving a v-mail message that sounds like you’re being fucked by mutant frog whilst travelling through a tunnel, is of no use to me and I won’t even attempt to call you back.

To you, Mister & Missus Overseas Telemarketers, don’t call me. Ever. You waste approximately half an hour of my day. If not more. Thats a minimum of 2 and a half hours a week that I could be using for a wide variety of other things. I’m aware that it’s your job to call people, but our number is on the No-Call List. I’ve asked you all to kidly remove the number. Do you? No. And not to be racist but I CAN HARDLY UNDERSTAND A FUCKING WORD YOU’RE SAYING. On top of that, during business hours, nobody here will be buying a holiday, raffle tickets or heck, even a set of knives. Because we’re working. Not shopping.

To Mr Executive. If I ask you to repeat your name, number or why you’ve called, it’s not for my enjoyment and it’s not becuase I’m dense. It’s because I haven’t heard you over the sound of your secretaries fake orgasm (this is happenin whilst you’re signing her application for promotion of course). Be calm, don’t “tsk” me. That’s not going to help. That will make me leave you on hold for an extended amount of time before casually letting you know that the person you’re looking for is in a meeting. Dittums.

To Said Executive’s Fake Orgasming Secretary. I don’t like you. No, it’s not because you’re giving your mouth workout under the bosses table during one of your little “meetings”. No, it’s not because you wear clothes that expose your bra, g-string and anything in-between. No, it’s not because all the other exec’s in the building pinch your ass and stare at your breasts while you sit around the lunch room with your legs open and snatch staring us in the face and complaining that you can’t eat carbs because carbs make your vagina depressed. I hate you because you’re a skanky, high-and-mighty, lazy, pretentious, barbie wannabe, 2 bit whore and when you call me and act like you’re the queen of all that is glory, it makes my skin crawl. Fuck off.

To Friends of Friends. Yes, I may have called you once or twice for information or any other reason for that matter from my work phone, under no circumstance gives you the right to jot down this number and call me at any other instance than previously arranged. I work. Hard. I don’t need to interrupted during an urgent task by your voice on the other end of a telephone asking me if I knew the name of the girl that your ex boyfriend was seen at a bar with over the weekend. What makes you think I’d know or care? Don’ you have better things to do with your time than ring me AT WORK for such trivial bullshit? No? Go fuck yourself then.

:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

To: Those within the same freaking company who call/e-mail me 20 times a day
Re: The stupid questions I’ve already answered

I sent out an e-mail to all of you last week. I sent a reminder e-mail on Monday. So stop e-mailing me with stupid questions. I’ve gotten the same questions from three of you today, and if you’ll kindly review your Outlook Inbox, you’ll find the answer. IN THE ORIGINAL E-MAIL THAT I SENT ALL OF YOU! And under no circumstances are you to call me to ask the same damn questions. Actually, don’t call me at all. If you do, I will put your call straight into my non-existent voice mail.

Once again: The new company policy is THIS.

We will not deviate from THIS.

There are no exceptions from THIS.

I will not drop everything to accommodate your “special” request, because the president of the company will come over here and bitch at me if I do so. I don’t feel like getting bitched at because you’re illiterate and/or stupid.

You do not sign my paycheck; the CEO does. So I defer to him, not you. You are not my boss. Get over it, and learn that he will back me, every single time.

Send them all to Sat on Cookie’s house! :smiley:

When I’m covering the switchboard, and I tell you I’m sorry, I can’t see if someone is at their desk - BELIEVE ME. I’m not making it up. If I could see, trust me - I’d walk back there and yank them bald-headed to make them take your call solely so I could shut you up.

Re: the above. We have at least 27 Pamelas - including myself - working at this company. Not to mention the 47 Mikes, 72 Bills and at least 132 Pattis. Which one you want, sister?

Re: the above II - if you’re one of said 132 Pattis - for Christ’s sake - leave your LAST name with the person when you call!

If I tell you it will be X number of days before your new employee’s computer will be ready, don’t make 14 calls to the IT department asking the same exact question you just asked me. I work hard to maintain a good working relationship with the IT department and just because you can’t understand the King’s English, I don’t want said relationship wrecked.

Yes, I’m the office manager, but it’s not my week to know where Susie Q. Public is. Probably outside smoking like she is 76% of every hour.

When management is generous enough to bring in lunch - please don’t bitch because it’s not pizza/sandwiches/Italian/Chinese/Atlanta Bread Company. It’s FREE for God’s sake. You don’t like it - don’t eat it!

Re: the above - if you didn’t get the email, then your department wasn’t invited.

I’m sorry it was so hot & humid the day of the company picnic. I have absolutely no say in the planning of that event, but I’m sure it was done just to annoy you.

There’s no need to come running to my office, demand I come to the ladies’ room to “see something you will not believe - it’s awful!” and then get upset when I get upset because you’ve shown me an overflowing toilet. (A) Send me an email - I don’t need to see it firsthand and (B) don’t make me panic because we have several pregnant women and the first thing that goes through my mind is that someone must have miscarried!

Whew. I feel much better now!

VCNJ~

Suckering Suckatash, Strip Search!
Shit, Sucky Strip Search!

Apparently, I work with Susie Q. Public too. It’s amazing she is as big as she is considering the 26.3 miles she walks everyday for her pack of cigarettes. As in she smokes a pack of cigarettes during an 8 hour shift. :eek: And takes a different path for each and every cigarette break.

And yet, still, clueless managers wonder why their employees always exit.

I have a coworker who does this when she’s mad at people. Not in the silently glaring way. In the “Did anyone just hear the wind” way. She spent around three weeks getting two inches from my nose just staring at me because she was mad at me. :confused: If I said anything, “I thought I just heard something.” She even actually said to my assistant manager “Tell Harborwolf that I’m not talking to him and he isn’t as funny as he thinks he is.”

I should add that she is likely in her 40s and a little old for such behavior.

Yes, our recordal notices say to call us if your file had mistakes when we recorded it in our database.
No, that does not mean we can correct the mistakes over the phone. Our software doesn’t work that way.

Some customers just don’t get this! I once had a guy screaming at me because his brain was incapable of processing both statements. At one point we were disconnected–not my fault (really!)–and he called my boss to scream some more. He even told her that I hung up on him!

Preach it. At least several times a day people come into my office to announce something is broken. Then they stare at me with the slightl aggrieved, expectant look of somone who just sacrificed their pet goat on a stone altar. Well, they’ve done their part, now when’s the miracle gonna happen?

Lights need new bulbs? Toilet’s broken? Then tell the maintenance guy.

Dear Customers:
Don’t randomly delete my access to your databases, and then expect me to be able to still send you data files to those databases.. When you do delete my access, expect to get an email from me asking why, followed by yet another database access request, that, yes, you do need to approve before I can send you your data files. Why yes, this approval process is a BigHugePainInTheButt, and yes, it would have been easier to just click the little button that says “extend access”. I don’t enjoy having to re-request access to your stupid databases every time you hit the “delete access” button instead of the “extend access” button, either. Don’t bitch at me because you aren’t getting your files on time - you’ve been through this enough times to know that the process still takes at least three days. It won’t go any faster if you leave the access request in your inbox for a week while you yammer at me about “why have you not sent me those files yet.”
Listen carefully. I CAN’T SEND YOU THE DAMN FILES BECAUSE YOU DELETED MY DATABASE ACCESS, YOU MORON!!!
Got it this time?

Another mass transit tip: Noticing that the train in the station isn’t your train does NOT entitle you to dawdle. If you do, it should be legal for the people behind you who are trying to catch it to leave their shoe prints on your sorry ass.

I usually get “Hello… er… um… I’m calling about a case…” [What, you aren’t calling me at work just to talk and say hello? I’m crushed!] “…case number… onetwothreefourfivesix… you can… call me back at… fivefivefiveonetwothreefour.”