Work Related Mini-Rants

The BBQ Pit
1

Customer #1-1000: No, we won’t replace your damaged, out of warranty product for free. No silly, I’m not required to sit on the phone and argue with you forever. I don’t care how much time you have, at my level, I’m perfectly entitled to hang up on you if you’re an ass.

Oh yeah, and don’t give me this “Doesn’t (company) support their products?” crap. We have a warranty period just like everyone else. Call Toyota up and demand they replace your 1985 Camry for free, then throw that “Don’t you support your products?” crap in their face. Let me know how that turns out.
Customer #1001: You lost over $1000 of our electronic product that you’ve purchased over the last few years and we were nice enough to give it all back to you. Then, depite bragging about all the backup software and other crap on your computer, you somehow failed to back up all that stuff we gave back to you. Then, when it disappeared a week later in a very suspicious manner which we are not able to explain because we don’t support your computer and all the sundry other crap on it, you threw a tantrum and threaten to sue us when we told you that we will NOT give it to you again - that you were well informed that when we gave it back to you last week it was a ONCE IN A LIFETIME exception and strongly advised you to BACK IT UP.

This is not our fault or our problem. You’re a dumbass.

Hey, threatening me personally and threatening to sue our company won’t help either. It should not have shocked you when I told you that OUR conversation came to an end the minute you asked for the number to our legal department.

Customers #1003-1050: I don’t support your network servers and I don’t know their settings. If you don’t, consult your IT person. If you claim to be the IT person and you don’t know them, you’re either too stupid to be the IT person, or you’re lying.

Customers #1051-1060: No, I can’t put you in touch with our Billionaire CEO, or get him on the line because you want to complain to him directly. Are you really that stupid that you think I can?

Customer #1061: Just because you read something on the Internet doesn’t make it true, and NO, I cannot put you in touch with some other internal department of our company because you insist on working with them to fix some problem that you read about on the internet. I’m sure they have the problem well in hand (assuming it exists at all), they’re not looking for Joe Blow to wander in off the street and miraculously tell them how to fix it.

Customers 1062 through 1900: No, our product warranties do NOT cover you dropping heavy objects on it, throwing it against the wall, dropping it in a pool, running over it with a car. Any more than you car warranty covers you running into a street light or your DVD player warranty covers hitting it with a baseball bat. I don’t give a flying fuck if you didn’t mean to do it, it’s still not covered.

Customer 1901-2000: No, we WILL NOT compensate you for the time you spent working with us to troubleshoot our product, or the time it took to repair it, or the time you spend worrying about it. Your car dealer doesn’t pay you to sit in their waiting room, neither does your Doctor. They don’t compensate you for the time your spent making the appointment, or the time or gas you spent driving to their offices. Get the fuck over yourself.

2

Co-worker: Shut the fuck up. I understand that you, like any thinking human being, get frustrated with the shit our boss and mutual co-workers sling at you. However, I don’t want or need to listen to a constant stream of “Fuck this!” and “Screw that!” directed at your email reader. The same goes for finger drumming, fist pounding, and hand slapping perfomed upon your desk. Find some other way of burning off that frustration.

Same co-worker: Seriously, shut the fuck up. I understand that you like to sing. Really, really like to sing. However, it’s not necessary to burst into song, beginning in the middle of a phrase and ending before the cadence. If it doesn’t stop, I swear I’m going to shove a tennis ball into your mouth during one of your vocalizations just to get some peace.

3

Sadly we have to deal with cuntomers as well…they are just plain stupid when it comes to electronics sometimes and drive me nuts, I wish we could do without them.
Like,
“NO, I didn’t put a password into my user account” since I did not break into your house and set it up last night and don’t fucking assume, that we fix it for free for you…

“No, we do not give you a Brand New Laptop because Acer, Toshiba etc has your Laptop and they take to long to repair your Laptop”…call them and complain there.

“NO, we do not tell you how to fix your Computer, that you bought somewhere else, for FREE.”… bring it in and we charge you for it. Are you fucking paying my rent? Can you fix my plumbing for free?

4

Conversation I had that started yesterday and is still not resolved:

Time Stranger (TS) : What time do you need me to come across the city to the training to help set up Important Thing?
Crazy Woman (CW) : Anytime Thursday is fine. We are done at 2pm.
TS: How about 11am?
CW: We need more than an hour, lunch is at 12.
TS: 10am?
CW: Maybe in the afternoon?
TS: 1pm?
CW: That still only gives us an hour.
TS: WHAT TIME DO YOU WANT ME TO BE THERE?!
CW: Whenever is convenient for you.
TS: ARGH!!!

Just give me a time! Obviously all the times that are convenient for me are not acceptable, I have to do this, so just tell me a freakin’ time and I will be there!

5

Awesome username/post combo.

OK mine! OK lady, if you want me to help, you should tell me more than ‘the scan to email isn’t working’. I realize you’re next to your computer, NOT the damn konica like you should be, but when I say go look at the machine GO look at it!!! Don’t keep parroting the same thing to me over and over again like I’ll automagically get more information out of your mumblings.

6

Seriously, if you want to do M&A in the US so much that you hire two of us to do it, then please let us buy some freaking companies. All last year we made 3 acquisitions. All the other proposals we made were turned down either at the corp office, or by the seller, because we were being too cheap. Now I find out that we “may” do 10 acquisitions globally in 2010, but China/Japan are the focus. The handwriting is on the wall, and I am seeing it, but there is no where for me to go. Fuck.

7

Customers 2001-2100: “I refuse to do any more troubleshooting. Fix this.” Sorry, I’m 1,000 miles away from you talking to you over the phone. I can’t wave a magic wand and fix it, I can’t push the buttons for you. I cant see what you see. If you’re not willing to do anything but sit there and bitch, then we’re done.

Customers 2101-2150: Your product is 6 months out of warranty. We have no record of you EVER calling us about ANY issue. Declaring that we HAVE to replace your product because you’ve been having this issue with it since the day you got it isn’t going to get you anything. I have no record of you calling us about this problem IN warranty. If it was such a serious issue, I would have expected to see that. But NO, you never called us until well outside your warranty period. So we’re not replacing anything.

8

I’d say you and I sit next to the same twat but you didn’t mention the incessant chomping of the gum.

Bitch, stop popping your gum if you’d like to continue to have teeth. Here’s a hint; if the rest of the room can hear and smell it, you need to shut your fucking mouth when you chew , or better yet, don’t chew it at all.

And is it really neccessary to pound on your keyboard like a retarded gibbon with a toy piano? That aint the Underwood you learned to type on in 1965.

And I know it’s not your fault you grew up in Philly, but learn to fucking speak like you have more than a third grade education; I’ve heard others do it.

9

Cuntomer: I got this Virus on my Laptop that I got from you 6 months ago.
Doughbag: OK, sure we can remove that and clean up you Laptop
Cunt: Thx…Surely, that’s covered by warranty, right?
DB: Sadly, NO.
Cunt: Why, surely, it must be… we got AntiVirus on the Laptop… that should protect me against that, right? You would assume so, right?
DB: Well, it does…to a point, but if you use Bittorrent, Limewire, Frostwire, emule you propoerly get infected at some point.
Cunt: We did not use these programs or installed them, you must have…
DB: (sure we do, you stupid cunt, and we downloaded an Eminem song for you 3 days ago as well, I have a habit of doing that) maybe your kid, just wanted to download a few songs.
Cunt: You leave me with not many options, I’m not happy
DB: If you get a puncher in your car from a nail, do you get it repaired by your car dealer under warranty?
Cunt: NO
DB: A Virus is the same thing.
Cunt: Well, ok fix it then. Call me when its ready…OK! How long will it take?
DB: Earliest would be tomorrow, before it’s ready, but sometimes it takes 2 days.

15min later

ring! ring! … Is the Laptop ready?
DB: Sorry, what is your name?
Cunt: I just dropped in the laptop with the Virus. Is it fixed?
DB: NO, but I will call you as soon as it is ready for collection.
clang

40min later
ring! ring! … Me again, just calling to see if the Laptop ready yet?
DB: …NO, I’ll call you

after another 30 min
ring! ring! …is the Laptop ready yet?
DB: (recognizing the phone number at this stage) NO, and calling me every 30 min or so doesn’t help me to work on it.
Cunt: But I do need my Laptop for work asap
DB: Then let me fix it.

she hasn’t rang in the last hour or so…hope she won’t again today

10

Hey, quit hanging around the SDMB and fix my laptop already!!!
:smiley:

11

Yesterday, in class.

Teacher: blahblah you have five minutes to read this six-page socioeconomical report, do you think that will be enough? You have five minutes and when you’re done, depending on what you say, I may give you more time or not but you should already be reading it, you know, why are you looking at me? blah blah
German student in my group: [something in German]
Austrian student laughs quietly.
Israeli student: Ich nicht versteeeewhatever, what did you say?
German student: I would be reading if she only did shut up already!
PS: stoopit Chrome, stop trying to correct my Spanish spelling, the fact that your menus are in Spanish does not imply that I’m writing in Spanish!

12

LOL

13

I recently realized that if you have a dumbass for a boss, you will have to act like a dumbass yourself in order to impress him.

14

No my bottle is not full of beer, urine (seriously?) or anything else you wouldn’t bring to work. It’s tea. It was tea the last time you felt like cracking jokes, too. I realize nobody in this building drinks anything but coffee or soda, but there are other options.

I promise.

15

Complaining about a minor issue that requires repair will NOT fool the repair department. If it comes into their shop in pieces, it isn’t covered under warranty and they’re just going to ship it back to you. At that point, we have it fully documented that you tried to commit fraud, and you aren’t getting any further help with that particular piece of product.
Look, I understand that you don’t understand technology very well and that you’re terrified of making a mistake. But arguing with me for several minutes at a time that you cannot see something I know damned well is right in front of your face doesn’t help. It won’t make me suddenly come up with ways of fixing the problem that don’t involve you doing anything. It will just irritate the fuck out of me and waste both of our time. When you do this repeatedly on the call, every time eventually finding it, you only show how much of an uncooperative dumbass you really are. Stop saying “I don’t see it” and just fucking find it already.
Just because I support product X, and it works with products Y and Z doesn’t mean that I support products Y and Z and am an expert in their use. You call us because we have (usually) free phone support and they don’t. I recognize that. But becoming angry with me because I don’t know intricate details of product Z that have fuck all to do with our product is an incredibly petty and stupid thing to do. Call the company that makes that product and PAY for their fucking support already, you cheap piece of shit!
You know what, Boss? The very moment that you know that we’re having a particular holiday off or not, we the line workers would very much appreciate knowing that. And hey, even if you don’t know it, it would go a very long way if you told us as much rather than leaving us in the dark. It pisses people off and hurts morale when we don’t know if we’re going to have a major holiday off until less than a week before it happens. People have families and friends. People like to make plans. Stop fucking with our private lives by being so uncommunicative about our schedules.

16

I do understand owing medical bills and not having the funds to pay them in full is disconcerting. However, it is my staff’s job to call you and let you know that you have an outstanding balance and you will be asked to make a payment the following day when you arrive for your appointment. Most people appreciate the courtesy call so they are not caught off guard.

Coming in and complaining to everyone that will listen including other patients that you just made a payment six weeks ago and that should be enough does not endear you to anyone’s heart. Stating you are being “insulted” when asked to sign an agreement to pay a small portion per month until the balance is paid in full is unreasonable. Refusing to sign the agreement to prevent these phone calls is just foolish. My staff is trying to give you an interest free loan for a year. I suggest you take it in the spirit it was offered. No? You want to keep yelling and being disruptive? Congratulations, you just shouted yourself into having to find a new medical provider.

17

Damn you, fruit flies!! Have sex! BREED!! I NEED TO EXPERIMENT ON YOUR BABIES!!!

18

Well that’s not very sexy! Have you tried lowering the lights? Putting on some romantic music? A little (spritz of) wine, perhaps?

19

Place an overripe banana in the vicinity of wherever it is you want them to get it on.

20

Yeah, if I have an overripe banana in the house, I always have fruit flies breeding, whether I want to perform Mad Scientist experiments on their babies or not.