Here’s he situation. My husband and I live with and take care of my mother in law who is 91 and mentally slipping (I believe it’s early alzheimer’s but she’s not diagnosed). About a year ago her 40 year old Maytag washer broke (rusted through) and we purchased a new washer. Since then she doesn’t do laundry because she can’t figure out how to work the new machine. Actually come to think of it, she rarely did laundry when she had a washer.
So, here’s my question: How diligent should I be in encouraging her to put things she’s worn in the hamper so I can do her laundry? How bad is it that she wears things again and again and again and again without ever washing them?
I check her hamper each week and wash whatever is in there. Usually some dish towels and maybe a couple pair of panties. I’ve never seen a bra washed ever. She does sometimes wash her panties by hand and hang them in the bathroom. If I see her wearing something that has obvious stains or is soiled I’ll ask her to give them to me to wash and she’ll usually do that if she remembers. Sometimes I just go through her closet and pick out anything that looks dirty/soiled.
She’s mostly independent in that she doesn’t need help with any of her daily functions or grooming etc. so I’m reluctant to get in her space too much about the laundry thing. Still, I feel like her clothes should be washed but maybe that’s my personal bias. She does almost nothing all day. Sits in front of the TV. Does the housework when she remembers so it’s not like she’s sweating or getting dirty. The biggest problem she has is dropping food on herself since she eats in front of the TV.
Should I push it and try to get her to give me her dirty stuff each week or should I just let it alone. How big a deal is it from a health perspective?
I think what you are doing is fine. She’s made it 91 years, she can coast for a bit. If she’s getting clean clothes at least once a week - I don’t think there are any health concerns - but that’s a guess based on the fact that 100 years ago - people didn’t wash either their clothes or themselves very often. I don’t think they died of dirty clothes.
Close relatives might have fainted form the smell, however.
Does she have skin issues? If so, I could see the cloth harboring or encouraging further skin infections. Otherwise, if she doesn’t flat-out reek, she’s probably OK.
I’d be mostly concerned about under garments, altho if she’s washing her undies by hand, it’s probably not an issue. But if it’s not a big deal for you to do her laundry, why not offer?
Of course, if I made such an offer to my inlaws, they’d probably get insulted at the perceived suggestion that they were incapable of doing their own laundry, so I guess it could come down to personalities.
Thankfully, there’s not a problem with personal hygiene. She never smells bad so I guess that’s a good thing.
But just to clarify, her stuff isn’t getting washed once a week. I’m not really sure how often she changes her panties or washes them out by hand. If they end up in the hamper and I wash them there’s never more than 1-2 pairs in there (I do laundry every weekend) not a whole week’s worth. I guess that’s my biggest concern, her wearing soiled underwear. Not sure if that could cause health issues.
Her other clothes just don’t get washed, ever, unless I ask he to give them to me to wash. She never and I mean never since the old washer died, puts items of clothing in the hamper. The only time they are washed is if I ask her to give them to me to wash. Hence my concern.
But I hear you, back in the old days people seldom washed their clothes or themselves. I guess if she’s not offensive I should probably leave well enough alone?
I think if she is sitting around, not working up a sweat and doesn’t smell then don’t worry about it.
Maybe you could tell her you are short a few items for a full load and she’d be doing you a favor to let you wash a few things.
On the last episode of Alaska: The Last Frontier, they did their spring laundry. They don’t have indoor plumbing and it’s too cold to wash outside in the winter. They work hard every day through the winter with no ill effects from dirty clothes. They did say that clean clothing is a real treat in the spring.
Interesting. We just moved all of the summer clothes to the basement closet and all of her winter stuff to her closet upstairs. Maybe I should consider this a good time to do the “spring cleaning” on all of her summer stuff that hasn’t been washed all summer.
Similar to what FairyChatMom said, I’m somewhat reluctant to be to assertive about it. I can tell it embarrasses her and I don’t want to insult her.
My grandparents both have Alzheimer’s and are in their 80s. I notify them when it’s time to shower/bathe and wash their clothes. They claim that they ‘wash up’ with a washcloth every night. So, their clothes get washed about once a week. However, if I see their clothes are dirty I’ll tell them to go change. I think that this is more of an authoritative stance than you want to take but they are used to it by now and it matches their current level of functioning.
I’ve always heard it’s a good idea to wash seasonal clothes when they’re put away, to keep stains and such from getting a permanent grip. Maybe you can frame it that way with that category, at least, and it might be better in diplomatic terms.
I know you may not have seen her wash a bra, but is it possible she washes those by hand as well? It’s certainly less stress on them then the washer puts them through, I know that!
Otherwise, I like the ‘Hey, I’m short for a full load; can you help me out?’ idea. I think it’s a good idea to let her keep her dignity as long as you can, so if it’s not causing a smell or health issue, just keep asking, or snagging what you can find lying around, hehe, and be sneaky about it until it gets to the ‘obvious issue’ stage. If you do notice a specific shirt she’s spilled on, I think you’d be ok mentioning that you can throw that specific piece in. She may or may not be noticing that things are getting noticeably dirty.
Or…she may have a problem with laundry soaps smell or feel or somewhat. Had an ex who never used laundry soap. Just…didn’t use it. Didn’t cause him or his clothes or his general image any problems at all, so it might be worth an ask.
Not a problem from a health perspective, but fresh feels better than not-fresh, so I’d continue to encourage her to give you things to wash. The “I need more so I’ll have a full load” should work, without hurting her feelings.
Does she have a good supply of undies? If she only has three or four, maybe she’s reluctant to put them in the wash. A sneaky way to buy her some would be to bring them home, then “Oh dear! I’ve taken these out of the package and they don’t fit. I can’t return them. I think they’re your size. I’ll just put them in your drawer.”
Yes, I did get a look in her dresser drawer and she’s got plenty of panties. Some still in the package from who knows how many eons ago.
Problem is that I’m not home in the day and that’s when she’d do her hand washing so if I don’t see it hanging on the line in the basement or hanging in the bathroom I don’t know that she’s been washing.
but for now I guess I’ll just continue to take the stuff that’s obviously stained and make sure it gets washed.
Thanks for your thoughts and advice. I really appreciate it.
If she’s not smelling bad, her skin looks good and intact, and she’s not suffering from infections in the private bits then don’t worry about it. The notion we must wear clean clothes every day is a fairly new notion in history. If she doesn’t have incontinence issues then wearing a pair of panties two days in a row isn’t going to hurt her, for example. She’s not exerting herself, so not getting sweaty.
In other words, if there isn’t an actual problem don’t make one. Keep an eye on her. Offer to wash her stuff with the “I’m just short of a full load - do you have anything I could add?” line if you feel better for doing it. Otherwise, let her do her own thing.
I was just looking at a new line of denim jeans that are for sale for $130 ea. Their web site says to wear them three months before washing (of course, it could be part of their ‘raw denim, rough stuff’ pitch).
Why not talk to her about how you love that she’s independent and you worry that if someone sees her in clothes that aren’t fresh they might butt their nose in where it doesn’t belong. Tell her that we always need to have fresh undies daily and give her a opaque sack to put her undies and bras in so you can just wash the sack and won’t actually see them. You could easily make one, just buy a loose woven pillow case and put a zipper on the end (or just buy one of those cheap thin pillow covers with the zippers on them.)
Generally I don’t think there is a problem. The only thing I would worry about is if there is a problem with the lack of fresh undies, she might not even talk about symptoms until it is a bigger problem than it needs to be.
What Enkel said about the opaque sack made me think maybe that’s her problem with undies – if there’s any, um, discoloration on them, she might not want them seen by anyone. If there’s a chance of that, she might benefit from panty liners.
Here’s a bit of TMI from my mom, who had an issue relating to a hemorrhoidectomy – I’ll box it. I accompanied her to the hospital once for an outpatient procedure (on her esophagus). The nurse gave her the gown and asked her to take everything off, and mom asked if she could keep her panties on. She explained that sometimes she “leaked”. It was the first I’d heard of it. She always wore panty liners, and then I knew why.
Yes, when we go grocery shopping she buys maxi pads and one day I asked her why because I thought if she was having leakage issues there are better products but she said she wore them so her underwear didn’t get stained.
I’ll probably just leave things as they are. I’ll continue to ask for dirties each week and ask her to give me stuff I can clearly see is stained or soiled.
She takes great care in how she dresses. Makeup, jewelery, etc every day even though she never leaves the house. But she also doesn’t see well so if I see that she’s wearing something stained I’ll suggest she change and she’s pretty good natured about it. She knows her eyesight isn’t the greatest.
My goal is to keep her healthy and happy as much as possible.
